I’m Not Alone, But I Am

I know that I am not the only person in the world who has gone through a traumatic experience. I get that. I truly do. But, I am the only me who has gone through one. When people say that they are there for you, I believe them I know that they are, but it’s not the same.

I have tried reaching out to support groups or people who have gone through something similar, but that’s also not the same.

What people fail to realize or simply what they fail to tell you is that, no matter how often someone says they will be there for you, it’s not the same as you being capable of being there for yourself.

If that makes sense.

Until, I can wrap my head around the fact that some days will just suck and I have to move forward regardless, it’s going to be hard for me to fully accept support from others.

This past weekend was the closest I have come to in a while when it came to self harming. For the most part, I have been able to distract myself or just not have triggers for a while now. I have just been that busy, which is good. However, this past weekend I felt as if something was wholly off and I wasn’t able to feel like myself.

Long story short, I made it through the weekend without a slip up and I am really proud of myself mainly because as much as I reached out to strangers it was truly to strength from within that kept me safe.

I tend to think the most about my incident when I am in my room on the weekends because for the most part I stay in my hotel bed all day. I also tend to think about what happened when I am at the gym because there was a point in time where I kept running into him. I also tend to think about him whenever I meet someone new that even remotely resembles him. I tend to think about it whenever I hear the words sex, or rape, or backdoor, or virginity, etc. Or even whenever I am out for drinks with friends I tend to think about it. I also think about it at work whenever I am going to the bathroom because I feel as if I am going to be attacked in the stall. I think about him/it whenever I am walking down the staircase. I think about him/it when I am listening to my audio-books or when I am watching TV.

Moral of the story: I think about that night a lot. More than I would like to admit. More than I can admit, because it hurts too much.

What they fail to tell you is that there is never NOT going to be a time when I don’t think about it. And even now when I do I still get that pang in my stomach of just hurt and realization that this truly happened and I wasn’t able to stop it.

See here’s the thing. I know that my friends will always listen to me if I have an issue or a problem, especially when it comes to this, but the problem is they haven’t experienced it. I pray to God they never will.. But, because of that, they don’t get the leaps that my mind takes whenever I am triggered. And let’s be honest, it’s not big triggers, it could be small, but I don’t know how to let them in.

I don’t know how to tell them that even though I may seem fine and I am fine…. enough, that I can still feel not 100%.

I know that I am not alone, but it does feel that way a lot of the time.

Alex

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It’s Been A While

When it’s good, then it’s good, it’s so good ’till it goes bad
‘Till you’re trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, never again
Broken down in agony just tryin’ to find a friend

I feel like I’m on the verge

Questions That Need Answers

Please bear with me as I work through some thoughts and emotions that are weighing me down.

I think I have developed a fear for dating.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I want to just rip the band-aid off and meet someone in person.

But I am afraid that they are going to hurt me.

In fact, for the most part. I am now afraid that any guy I meet is going to hurt me.

That feeling comes and goes, but when it’s intense it’s intense.

And I simply cannot stand it.

Currently, it’s intense.

I wonder what life would be like right now, if this didn’t happen to me.

I feel like I was robbed of so much.

I feel like I can’t enjoy my down moments fully because I am constantly thinking about what ifs.

Who would I be if this didn’t happen?

Would I still be the same me I am today?

Who’s to say that for sure?

I was doing so well and that was all taken away from me. He stole my joy, he stole my fitness, and he stole the biggest part of me.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about what happened.

There also isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t ruminate over the different effects that that one night had on my life.

So many other days have been ruined as a result of that one night.

How do I tell my friends that I’m not always okay and I don’t know if I fully ever will be?

Alex.

 

Is it an Anniversary or Not?

Is it weird that I’ve come to think about today as sort of an anniversary?

Tonight will mark two years, two years since I lost a part of me. Two years since that part of me was taken away to a point where I know for a fact I can’t get it back. I have been thinking about this date for a while now. Trying to figure out how I was going to react to it, considering the fact that I’m currently in California again right now.

No, I am not in San Diego again. But yes, I am on a project. So, I think that’s what makes it different. That’s what makes me wonder how I am going to be this year. I am currently in San Francisco, so Northern California. At first, I was nervous because I thought that he was going to be here as well and since this is a longer contract I didn’t know what I could have done to avoid him for so long. But, Thank God, he’s not here. I found that out early on.

But there is a guy here that I can’t tell how I feel when I am around him, I can’t tell if I feel uncomfortable or not. But, I’ll go into that a little later.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand, if you can call it that. I have been patiently awaiting this day for some time now. A couple of weeks ago, well closer to a month really, I self harmed again. This time is was more aggressive but less destructive? If that makes sense. I didn’t use my normal means, but I did leave marks this time, which I normally don’t do. And I also felt as if I couldn’t necessarily control myself? I just got so angry with everything, but also just angry for no reason. I was also just overwhelmed with everything being put on me. And I felt like I had a lot more random bouts of crying and I just felt so alone. I thought about reaching out to my friends and asking them to at the very least talk to me, but it was hard to make that step, because they’re so busy. And I know that they said and constantly say that no matter what they would drop what they were doing, so to speak, for me but, I can’t seem to wrap my head around that.

So, instead I get stuck in my head, and stuck in my thoughts, and essentially stuck on a loop that never seems to be ending of how I am,

  1. Not worth their time &
  2. I don’t know how to explain why I am feeling the way I am feeling. So,
  3. What’s the point of bringing it up anyway?

I think for me that’s been the scariest part of these two years. There are times where I am so overwhelmed and consumed by emotions that it literally terrifies me. Even writing this, I am afraid of how I am going to feel afterwards because I don’t know if this will be cathartic or destructive.

It doesn’t help that my friends are in a time zone 2 or 3 hours ahead. And that’s why I felt so stuck last time. I had no one to talk to. I was alone and the people that could’ve helped were asleep. It sucked.

For now however, I am going to start the day like a regular day. I want it to be regular day. I don’t want to be consumed y this anymore. I just want to enjoy my Friday while I look forward to the weekend.

I am not defined by this. I know that. Not just because I have been told that, but also because I am so much more! I just need some time to make sure that solidifies in my head.

Alex.

Same Story, Different Day

Where do I even begin?

A part of me doesn’t even want to write this because what’s even the point? I write, I feel worse, then I feel better, but at the end of the day who reads it?

There are so many emotions and so many thoughts that are going through my head that I don’t know where to start, and when I finally do my fingers can’t keep up.

I guess I’ll start with highlights?:

  1. I just got back from vacation in Japan. It was absolutely amazing. There were a few hiccups getting there and I didn’t get everything I should have while I was there, but all in all, it was a great trip.
  2. I start work again in a couple of weeks. I haven’t had a paycheck since September of last year and before that it was June. I have been living off of my savings for the past few months and it’s been extremely stressful.
  3. I have gained a lot of weight so my fitness journey has been severally altered.
  4. More so before my trip, but also since I’ve been back I have been thinking about harming myself. Not because of something specific that happened, I mean yes, but not really.
  5. I have become a lot closer with my older sister.
  6. I have solidified the idea that I don’t have a best friend. I am very lonely and I don’t feel like I am being listened to.
  7. I am afraid to be constantly complaining, so I keep things to myself as much as I can. Which is also why I tend to withdraw from situations.
  8. I guess I got my wish. I am going back to California in April. Only this time, it will be San Francisco.

So, a lot has happened. A lot will continue to happen and I hate that I am going through it all alone. You don’t know how lonely you truly are until you come home from a vacation and realize you have no one to share your stories with.

The other day, I opened up to my friends about a idea that has always been floating around my head about my views/stance on sex and my incident and they ignore it completely. Not even on person acknowledge what I said. For reference, here is what I sent them. Some background, we were talking about sex and the pressure we feel to wait and if our religious upbringing was a cause. But, also the feeling of it all just being taboo. Also, I was abroad when the conversation happened so I couldn’t respond until about 2:30am their time.

I know I’m late to the conversation and it’s late where you guys are, but… I definitely agree that we’ve put so much pressure on the event itself. A few months ago I wasn’t doing to hot and I was essentially fighting with myself again about what happened. Unpopular opinion coming: I got to thinking that if I was more open to sex and essentially more willing or not waiting that what happened in CA, wouldn’t have happened. It would have just been another night. Chalk it up to the game, as they say. It sucks to think that way, but I do. I still think it’s something that’s special and it should be done with someone who at least likes you for you, and not for your body. But, I do agree that the narrative around it is semi toxic. But it’s also spared me a tragic downward spiral of sexual partners. So that’s good right? I do think that as a group we don’t talk about it enough. It’s a normal everyday activity that people think about and do. I myself have to stop shying away from the conversation when others bring it up, but it’s not taboo, y’all are right on that one.

Not one of them respond to a word I said. There are three of them. One of the girls at 10am posted a link about something irrelevant and to do with the royals. And that was that. The conversation was over. They all got to talk about and converse about the topic, but once I chimed in it was over.

This is why I have friends, but I still feel alone.

This is why I don’t open up.

This is why I feel like I am a better friend to them than they are to me.

This is why I don’t have a best friend.

This is why.

I am so tired of this. I am tired of feeling this way. And I am tired that no one is listening.

Alex.

My home isn’t the same anymore

This weekend I went to Chicago for a retreat and when I was on my way back from the airport a weird wave of emotions came over me. I didn’t want to come home. I didn’t want to  be here. But, most importantly, I didn’t enjoy the warm welcome I was given.  I was just overwhelmed.

Before I came home, my  mom called me and said that my uncle would be staying with us for about two to three weeks because he’s doing some sort of program in the area, but lives two hours away. We JUST had family stay with us for my sister’s wedding and I am tired.  But it’s not even just people staying with us that’s a problem. I am tired of cleaning up after people. I am tired of using dirty facilities. I am tired of feeling constant anger towards my father.

My home isn’t the same anymore because I am now the sole provider for this household. I am the one paying the bills, but I don’t have any income coming in. I haven’t worked since September and I spent about $10,000 since then. I am starting to become stressed out because I am constantly applying for jobs, but I am constantly being rejected.

I feel like I am stuck. I feel like everyone else is moving on with their lives around me and I haven’t made any progress. It is coming up on four years since I’ve graduated and I feel as if I have wasted my time. Yes, I got a job, but it’s not consistent. Yes, I got into a master’s program, but I didn’t go. Yes, I’ve lost some weight, but I gained it all back. Yes, I stopped self harming, but I relapsed a few times. Yes, I was raped and was suffering, and I got over it, but then I didn’t. I feel like I am doing all these things and not making any progress or even worse, going backwards. The only thing I can say that I accomplished this year is the fact that I read three books already. Yay?

My home isn’t my home because when I am here I don’t feel happy. I feel angry. I feel tired. I feel like I am a child living in an adult’s body. I keep giving and giving to others and doing things for others, but can I say they’ve done the same for me? I feel like a butler, a nurse, and an assistant, all at the same time. I want to move out and be on my own and have something of my own, but if I leave how will my parents afford this house?

I hate that this is the stress that I have to deal with at the age of 26. I also hate that I am all alone in it. I don’t have a partner to share the good things that happen in my life. Nor do I have one to be there to pick me up when I simply can’t go on anymore. I know I have friends, but I don’t know how to explain to them that,

  1. I am not okay.
  2. I am not happy.
  3. I am not the same person I used to be.
  4. I don’t like who I have become.
  5. I hate that I am angry all the time.
  6. I hate that I am not succeeding professionally or personally.

I hope that something changes soon, because I hate that my home isn’t my home anymore and I am tired of being here.

Alex.

I’m Tired

I am so tired of doing the same thing over and over again and not getting anything in return.

I have been applying for jobs consistently for the past 6 months and I have been getting nothing but rejection letters. Currently there are two positions that are looking promising, but there is not guarantee. I essentially just have to pray and hope that one of them come through. Otherwise, I am back to the drawing board. Which I’m basically already at. I apply, I get rejected and thus begins the cycle.

I just don’t understand why I have to essentially beg for a job. Like you know my experience, you know I am educated, just freaking train me and we would be good to go. The ones that piss me off the most are the rejections I get from jobs that literally say, requirements: college degree. I HAVE THAT! Then how am I not qualified? Why can’t you even just give me an INTERVIEW. That’s all I want. I want to at least be given an interview so that I just know that I was at least qualified enough on paper.

Because as is right now, what you are telling me is that I am not even qualified enough to pass your basic qualifications tests. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? I have experience in the field and you see that. You’re just being shitty people. 

I’m honestly just so sick and tired of this. I’m running out of money and I am running out of confidence that this is going to end soon. I am tired of living in my parent’s house. I am tired of cleaning up after people. I am tired of doing things for other people and never getting anything back in return. I am just so tired. This is utter bullshit. I deserve more. I deserve better. I am better. But why can’t they see that?

What am I supposed to do now? I can’t give up because I NEED a job. I can’t give up because there are so many people depending on me. I can’t give up because if I do, my money will run out and we will be homeless.

I just want, no. I NEED things to change. And soon. Like now. Because I’m tired.

New Year, Please Change

Something’s got to give.

Anything. 

I am so tired of feeling this way.

I am so tired of complaining about feeling this way.

When I get in my moods it’s hard for me to come out of it. It’s also hard hard for me to explain everything that’s going on in my head. I just want to stay away from people and not have any interactions.

I am supposed to have a call with my friends today, but I wasn’t feeling it since the morning and now I have a sort of out. I am going to the movies with my brother. I honestly just don’t want to do anything.

My parents already pissed me off this morning and that had put me in a sour mood all morning. I am starting to lighten up now that I am going to the movies, but still.

I feel like this is not going to end. I feel like this is my life now and I am so so very tired of it. I just want things to change. I want them to get better. I need them to. Because I’m tired.

ALEX

A Trip

I took a trip to to New York to visit some friends. I took a trip to get out of the constant feeling of always being needed to do something. I took this trip because I needed a break.

I don’t know if it’s helped.

I’ve been here two nights and each one consisted of nightmares. Well, technically not, but they were weird and bad dreams.

Two nights ago, my first night, I don’t really remember what I was dreaming about, but I know I didn’t like it. I also kept waking up every other hour which was frustrating.

Then last night, I had the type of dream where I woke up within the dream and started to become hysterical. I was hyperventilating and I started to cry. The more I cried the worst it got. My friend woke up as a result and tried to comfort me, but that just made it even worse. It got to the point where I couldn’t stop and was in a full blown panic attack and I finally woke myself up in real life, but in a similar panic of heavy breathing. My heart was racing and I felt like it was going to start all over again. But, I was able to calm down after about 20 minutes.

I’ve never had a panic attack, so I’m not entirely sure what it’s supposed to feel like. But that sure as hell felt like one and it was terrifying even if it was just a dream. It just felt so real and it came out of nowhere which I think is what made it worse.

Aside from the fact that I haven’t been sleeping well, my trip so far has been good. I’m halfway through and I feel relaxed and I’m even starting to hear back from jobs that I applied to. Positive things.

I hope the rest of the trip goes well and I hope the bad dreams stop.

Relapse

I don’t know what to do.

& I don’t know what happened.

But, I’m afraid that it’s going to happen again.

Long story short, November fucking sucked. My family was in an accident and I’ve been taking care of my mom, who fractured her back, and sister, who ruptured her Achilles tendon and consequently had a blood clot.

I’ve been the one waking up in the middle of the night giving pain meds. I’ve been the one making meals, cleaning, and shopping. I’ve been the one to take them to the ER and stay with them when they’ve been admitted. I’ve been the one to do everything.

I became a nurse and a mom overnight.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind it because it’s something that I just had to do. Well, I didn’t mind it. At first. But now. I’m tired. I’m tired of only being the one called. I’m tired of only being the one who cooks and cleans. I tired of constantly trying to make everyone happy. I’ve been taking care of them, with no one to take care of me.

I’ve had two breakdowns this month.

The first one, I was extremely tired and exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically just lost it after going to the gym. I called my friend to try and calm me down and she suggested I contact my doctor. I did. And it wasn’t what I expected and we ran out of time.

During that breakdown, I ended up self harming again. It was the only thing that I could do to get the thoughts to stop. It was the only thing I could think of to do to get my mind off everything that was happening around me. It was the only thing I could do for myself.

After that time, I had to snap out of it because I had responsibilities as a nurse mom and I couldn’t focus on myself, right? I had no time. So I pushed my emotions aside and got back to work.

Today, well yesterday. It happened again. I got overwhelmed with everything that was going on and all the responsibilities I have to do that don’t belong to me and I sat in my car and drank. For two reasons, 1. I didn’t want to go inside and be bombarded with requests to do something. & 2. I didn’t want my family to know that I was drinking, especially not that much.

When I got inside what do you know, I was already being asked about tomorrow. Can you do this, take me here, help with that. Like, can I breathe for one moment before you start the attacks.

All day I had been thinking about getting a tattoo that says, breathe or just breathe on my wrist. So when I came back today, I thought it would be a good idea to write it on just to see what it would look like. The pen turned into a razor I found and I ended up self harming again.. I think this might have been the first time I did it while drinking. But regardless, it happened. And I not to sure that it won’t happen again.

I just want to go somewhere where people don’t need me to take care of them, but instead I’m the one being taken care of. I want to go where people don’t know me. I just want to go somewhere. Anywhere. I just don’t want to be here anymore. At least not right now.

Alex.