I keep finding myself in situations that I don’t want to be in or situations that I am just not ready for. But, why am I not ready for these situations? What’s preventing me from enjoying myself and allowing myself to be touched? What’s going on? FUCK if I know.
I was told not to go back to the room, his room, the room of the guy who pinned me down to the bed for fun because he enjoyed making me uncomfortable. I was told not to go back to his room. I was told, but I did not listen. obviously.
Yesterday, I went back. I told him the second that I walked into the room that nothing was going to happen. I told him that. I continued to tell him that. I said that we are just here as friends and nothing needs to happen right? Just friends.
Again, he pinned me down, but again I told him. Nothing is going to happen. I tried to stand my ground, but it’s hard when someone is trying to take both your bra off and pull your pants down at the same time.
He stopped for a while, claimed he was tired. I told him I was a virgin, and he proceeded to say that he doesn’t mess with virgins. Lucky for me right? Wrong. Well, I don’t know. All I know is that there is more to be done than just sex.
Again, I told him nothing was going to happen and again he pinned me down. I finally let him kiss me, but he began to become too handsy. Keep in mind he is stronger than me, so the more I moved his hand away the more forceful he became when putting it back.
Somehow, my bra and shirt were off. Keep in mind, initially I told him nothing was going to happen. I stopped saying it, but I didn’t stop thinking it. I did however continue to say the words stop & no throughout. I kept trying to push his hands away and push him off of me, but like I said he was stronger. At one point my hands were pinned together and I couldn’t move them to stop him.
Eventually, I gave up trying to push him off, I gave up saying no. I gave up saying that nothing was going to happen because something was already happening. Besides, it was too late right? I just let whatever happen happened.
The problem is this:
I still can’t tell if I wanted it to happen or if I just gave up trying to stop him.
Why did I go back to his room? Why did let him take my clothes off? Why wasn’t I stronger? Why don’t I know what I want? Why couldn’t he take my no for what it was? Why did something have to happen?
But, my biggest drawback and my biggest question: There is a difference between wanting something to happen and letting it happen, right?
Which one did I do?