I want to be I control at least once. I want to be the one calling the shots. I don’t want to be taken advantage of anymore. Although, I do like that aspect as well. So maybe I am in control of at least that. I like the fight. Okay. Let me stop, because I don’t know how comfortable I am sharing those inner most thoughts.

Back to the topic at hand. I have thought of so many ways to walk into his room and push him down on the bed (just like he did me) and get on top of him and take charge. But, every time I get the opportunity to do so, I lose my nerve.

Last night, I wanted to knock on his door, but by the time I finished working out and washing my hair it was 9 o’clock. Which actually isn’t that late, but you know me any excuse is a good excuse.

We only have a few more days together, so that doesn’t leave much time. I don’t want to have sex. For a few reasons. I don’t know him well enough. I’m not on birth control. I’m saving myself for marriage or at least for someone I love. Besides, like I said before he claims he doesn’t mess with virgins. So there’s that.

I don’t know what I want to do and that’s my main issue. That’s why I’ve been so hesitant. I simply do not know what I want.


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