Well there goes that… 

I’m no longer a virgin.

Well, technically not?

…Fuck, I don’t know.
The following information is:

NSFW

but it’s based on real life events. My life. It’s difficult to explain and pretty vulgar.

I guess I attempted, well he attempted, okay I guess it’s not an attempt because it actually happened. We had anal sex. I didn’t want to & it didn’t last long because it hurt too much. He tried twice. But, I still couldn’t take it, so eventually he stopped.

Prior to that however he tried to have vaginal sex with me, but I definitely didn’t want that. But, he was relentless and just kept saying it’s just the tip, it’s just the tip. Although, it definitely felt like more than that. It all happened so fast and he was almost fully inside, without a condom, and without me being on birth control. It was the tip and then some and that’s why I was so scared. I can’t get pregnant, because I don’t believe in abortions. I can’t get pregnant because I’m not married. And I can’t get pregnant because I don’t know him. And this day in age I am too smart to know how not to get pregnant. So if I did, I’m just stupid.

I made him put a condom on though before I turned over for him to go in the back way. Which probably made it worse because then there was less lubrication. I didn’t want it to happen, but he was already inside before I could say no. I did say no, and I did make it stop.

The hardest part for me is that I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I want. I know I don’t want to get pregnant which is why I didn’t have sex with him. Honestly, that was probably the MAIN reason I didn’t have sex with him. That oh and the fact that, I don’t know him, nor love him, nor is he my husband, nor did I want to. So I fought harder to make sure that didn’t happen.

I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. I wanted to twice, but I couldn’t. Because there was nothing to cry about. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t mad. I’m just confused. And now I’m hurt and bleeding.

My period isn’t supposed to start until next week. I woke up this morning bleeding. No other period systems, like chronic cramps, and fatigue. None of that. Just bleeding. At first, I thought it was spotting. And now it’s pretty consistent. I don’t know what to do. I guess it’s probably just my period. Which is good because that means I’m not pregnant. So I think I might just have to wait it out.

I’m sorry this is so detailed. But, I don’t have anyone else that I can talk to. When I get back home, (currently across the country) I’ll set up an appointment to meet a new psychologist for the third time in the life and go from there.

Date of delflowerment: April 26th, 2017

Alex.

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