I Said No.

Trigger Warning: Rape

I said no & I told him to stop, but he didn’t listen.

After a long conversation with a few people, I’ve realized that I did everything I should have done and he still didn’t listen. I said I wasn’t ready, I said I didn’t want to, and he didn’t listen. I gave up trying to say anything, because I knew he wouldn’t listen.

I think I was raped.

I didn’t want what happened to me to have happen. And no, I didn’t consent then to regret it later and call rape. No, that’s not what happened. I said stop. Numerous times. I said no. Numerous times. And he didn’t listen.

He took advantage of me.

Sexual Coercion is what they call it. That’s what happened. That’s why I feel guilty. “If you have said “yes” when you didn’t really want to, know that you may have been sexually coerced. Sexual coercion is when tactics like pressure, trickery, or emotional force are used to get someone to agree to sex.” And the scariest part is I never said yes. I just stopped saying no, because he wasn’t listening anyway.

I shouldn’t have gone back. I literally can’t wrap my head around what I feel, what’s going on or anything.

At times I’m numb, at times I don’t remember, but most of the time I keep playing that night over and over again.

Did I do something wrong? Did I lead him on? Did I cause this? It’s my fault? I must have wanted it otherwise I would have tried harder to get him off, right?

You know how when a car is coming hurling towards you and you know you need to get out of the way otherwise you’ll die, but you freeze from fright?

That’s what happened.

I went back to take control, and I lost it all.

So, isn’t that rape?

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