Trigger warnings are real & needed.
I always thought they were a joke. I always felt like people were being overly sensitive about specific issues. But, no. They’re oh so real.
I found that out the hard way on Thursday. I was watching The Carmichael Show and I couldn’t even get through the first five minutes of it.
Without any warning they were arguing about what constitutes rape and I think it was the first time that it actually hit me that I was raped. It was the first time that I allowed myself to feel it? I don’t know, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. That day was hard and filled with alcohol and tears. I just had a breakdown, really.
It only stopped when I found out that one of my close friends from school had a baby. A nice distraction, but a hard distraction because it reminded me of how close I was to being in the same situation. Regardless, like I said it was a nice distraction. But, I still spent all of Friday in the craziest funk.
I was supposed to go out with a friend, but that fell through. So I decided to go out by myself. I needed to get out of the house. Big mistake. I was in the crazy funk. I went to breakfast and ate. It was good & I’m fine with eating alone. That wasn’t the issue. The issue was I had to many things on my mind.
I didn’t want to go home so I decided to go shopping instead. I needed new running shoes and I wanted to check to see if the TJMaxx by me had a certain pair of shoes (Toms) that I wanted, they did. But, I couldn’t even be happy about it. I bought them and bought baby clothes, super cute baby clothes mind you, but I couldn’t even be happy about that either.
Before TJMaxx I went to Marshall’s and bought work pants (lots of them) and after TJMaxx I went to Belk and bought more baby clothes. Afterwards, I went to the outlets to find tennis shoes and found none. But, literally for the whole 3 hours that I was out, I literally couldn’t feel happy. I couldn’t really feel anything? It was as if I was going through the motions just to say that I did something. I had never felt that way before and it was kind of scary. I just didn’t care. I spent over $200 on Friday and I just kept telling myself, it doesn’t even matter.
Yesterday (Saturday) was better. I didn’t think about it as much. And I even was able to go out with my mom and feel something. I went to my favorite store Bath & Body Works, bought a few things, and felt happy.
So at least I am making progress, right? I’m getting better. I’m drinking less, or at the very least feeling the urge to drink less. Although, today was kinda hard, I wanted to get drunk. I didn’t though. Plus side!
Anyway, I guess I’m just learning that this will always be a part of me. It’s something that happened and something that I can’t change. So, I just have to learn how to deal with it. It’s hard, but I’m trying.
One day at a time.