Life is not and nor will it ever just be sunshine and roses. It won’t be just Gifs and memes and links either. It’s not always perfect, so I don’t know why we keep fooling ourselves and pretending that it is.
You guys asked who Alexandria was, well here she is:
She is broken, hurt, and confused.
I am tired of us pretending, or not pretending, (I can’t speak for everyone) that nothing is ever wrong with us or me. I feel as if we only allow ourselves to be real whenever the four of us can get together once in a blue moon for a scheduled call, at a scheduled time, on a scheduled date, and if I don’t speak up I miss my window. The problem is I never speak up, I never have, because it’s hard for my to open up and express my emotions, so much so that I have to type this on a separate site just to make sure that I get it all down and don’t accidentally hit enter.
This weekend was a wake up call for me. We’re supposed to be roots. We’re supposed to keep each other strong and thriving and vibrant and flourishing. But, how can a tree grow if it’s never watered. How can we get better if no one checks in on us? I know it’s been hard since college, four girls in four different states, with four different job/school paths, and four different set of individual problems makes it hard. I get that, I do. But, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t fight tooth and nail to ensure everyone’s okay.
And maybe I am just being selfish and I am the only one feeling this way, OR maybe I not? I wouldn’t know because we don’t/haven’t had this conversation.
I am tired of holding everything in, because in reality there is no point. Someone recently told me, “I think we need to talk through it. What else is the point of having confidential girl friends” And she was right. What is the point? Recently, I have been seeing a therapist and she told me the same thing.
So why am I bringing this up all of sudden? Last night my car was broken into. It was my fault. When I came home I forgot to roll the windows up. It wouldn’t have been a problem if I didn’t leave my wallet in the car. But, I always leave it in the car, even though I know it’s not safe. I just have forgotten it at home too many times in the past. So all morning I had to go through the process of canceling cards, calling my bank, calling the police, and calling the stores to see if they had footage of the guy. Thankfully, he was stupid enough to leave really good prints on my car, so they dusted for that. And he went to customer service at one the stores and they caught him on camera. So now I wait, I wait for new cards, I wait for them to catch him, I wait to hear back from the police, and I wait a year to unfreeze my credit, because I foolishly had my SS card in there (I needed it for a project) and I fear that they’ll open a card in my name.
Why is this such a big deal that I needed to preface it with a book first? I don’t know. I guess, I just felt overwhelmed. And I hated that people continued to tell me that it was my fault. I know I shouldn’t have left it in there, but that doesn’t give them any right to take it. People are the fucking worst. And you’re probably still asking yourself, why is she this upset?
Well, maybe it’s because people feel that they can take whatever they want from you and have absolutely no remorse for their fucking actions. And you’re left blaming yourself for the actions of others. Well, I don’t want to blame myself anymore and I am tired of living in silence and fear.
Halfway through the California project I was sexually assaulted by one of my co-workers, twice. Then, the last week of the project I was raped, by him. I’ve been tested and all tests came back clean. I’m also currently seeking help to try get past this.
Now, I am not telling you this so that you can feel bad for me, or take pity on me. But, to let you know that even though I can smile and carry on, I’ve been hurt. And some days are worse than others, some days I am fine and I don’t even think about it, but some days it’s all I can think about.
I am telling you this, because I want to be able to share my bad days if/when they happen with someone. I’m tired of going through things alone and “suffering in silence”.
I am tired of feeling as if I am surrounded by people, but no one to talk to.