Are you okay?

It’s a scary thought to know that there isn’t anyone checking for you.

A couple of days ago, I think it was Thursday, I finally asked my friends, a lot of them, if they would be interested in a weekend away at Lake Lanier which is only about  hours away from my hours. I told them I was just gauging interest to see what kind of house I should get. I don’t know why, but people responses really pissed me off.

1. I don’t know if I will have enough money, I already have two weddings and Thanksgiving
2. I will just be getting back from my honeymoon.
3. I will have already been out the weekend before so I don’t think I can do two weekends of not earning money.

Okay, now on the surface, these are reasonable responses, right? I shouldn’t be upset? HOWEVER! Let me break it down for you.

1. I don’t know if I will have enough money, I already have two weddings and Thanksgiving
   1. I am sorry, but that is a BS response. Especially coming from a girl who isn’t responsible with her money. She claims to never have money to do anything, but she is always going out. For example, I say let’s go to dinner or something and she’s like “Oh, I can’t I have no moneys” But the, she goes to dinner with a another of her friends within the same week. Like, seriously? Do you think we are stupid. Not only that, she constantly going on trips and eating out, granted it’s all with her boyfriend, but you are telling me that your aren’t paying for any of it? Also, if you have no money how about you be more responsible and get a better job? And why did you get a brand new card with high payments, when you still have student loans, and no proper job?
   2. Basically, I see it as I am not worth your money. I am giving you four months in advance, you can start saving now. But, you don’t care enough. Sorry I am not getting married, because if I was then I guess it would have been worth your money? We have been friends for how long? And when was the last time I had a party and invited you? This is a big milestone for me and you can’t be bothered to be there? REALLY?
2. Months ago we decided to take that weekend off to enjoy the new place and married life. I will ask him if he is actually okay with us going that weekend because I know it wanted to cool it.
   1. Okay, now let’s be real. I get this I truly do. However, I am just asking for one weekend of your married life. Just one. It’s my birthday. You already took the weekend of my actual birthday away from my by having your wedding that weekend. So, I had no choice, but to do it this weekend. Also, keep in mind, I didn’t invite your husband.. just you. BUT also keep in mind. You expect me to come to your engagement party, your bridal shower, your bachelorette party, and your wedding, NO QUESTIONS asked, but you can’t do this one thing for me? Granted she said she would come, but not spend the night. I guess I should just be happy with that. But, I can’t be.
3. I will have already been out the weekend before so I don’t think I can do two weekends of not earning money.
   1. Okay, going out two weekends in a row is nothing. I haven’t spent a weekend at home since mid June. So that’s a stupid excuse. Money, I get that you’re in school you need to work, but you also have time to save.
   2. I think the main issue that I have with her is that we and two of our other friends were supposed to be going up to Nashville the second weekend of August, but she just pulled the plug. She said something came up that she can’t missed. She didn’t say what it was… but whatever it was had to have been  more important than us. So I was already mad at that.

To be honest, I think that main reason that I am mad at all these people isn’t the fact that they don’t have the money or what have you, it’s the fact that they have an excuse. I feel as if I am not worth your time or your effort.

I would do anything and everything for my friends. 

But, I don’t know if they would do the same. In fact, I am sure of it that they wouldn’t do the same.

Look, I know what you’re thinking. Wow, this girl really is selfish, she can’t expect people to drop everything for her. And yes, that may be the case, but I have been selfless for so long. I have always been there for everyone, taken care of everyone, gone to everything for everyone. And the one time I ask for something in return, they can’t even do that?

Not only that, no one has even bothered to check to see if I was okay. I haven’t been on FB messenger since Thursday, in fact I deleted the app. So, I haven’t spoken with a core group of my friends since then. But, has any one of them picked up the phone to text or call? NO, they haven’t. 

It’s a sad feeling to know that you will forever be a better friend to someone than they would be to you. 

It’s the equivalent as someone loving a person more in the relationship.

You can only give so much before you’ve given it all and your tired. 

That’s where I am right now. I am tired. I am tired of always checking in on people, but no one checking in on me. I am tired of being strong for everyone and no one being strong for me. Honestly, I am tired of listening to the same selfish conversations.

I just need a break. To reevaluate, to see what I want. To decide if I let them know or if I continue on as if nothing happened. But, also I need a break to cool down. Because if I talk to anyone right now, I might just loose it.