So I know you’re probably tired of hearing about what happened to me, almost as much as I am tired of talking about it. However, there are times when I need to talk about it, in order to get through it. This is one of those times.
Early this week, I was having a few of my bad days. I was in a funk or a fog, and I just couldn’t shake it. I reached out to one friend and she helped for a bit, but then stopped. I reached out to another friend, same situation. But, then I reached out to the friend who was my outcry witness, because she’s been the only one to actually talk me through whatever I’ve been feeling. She’s been able to rationale my emotions. However, I’ve been hesitant to reach out to her all this time for a few reasons:
- She’s in law school.
- Her mom is going through a lot and is having surgery soon.
- Her family already puts a lot of pressure on her to help them out. They rely on her.
- She doesn’t take enough time for herself.
- I did not want to add to her current stress and have to worry about me.
So with all of that floating around in my head, I haven’t reached out to her until recently. Until, I knew that I couldn’t do it on my own anymore. But, like I knew she would, she helped she gave me real responses, reassuring sentiments, and I felt her care.
So on to the thoughts. There are two kinds that have been invading my mind. The first set consists of the events that transpired because of you know who. It’s as if my mind is forcing me to relive it constantly any time I am even slightly triggered. Granted, there are times when I can stop it, like if I’m at work or busy. But, then there are times when they don’t go away and I have to relive it over and over and over again…
What’s even worse is when my mind decides that what happened to me wasn’t enough. So, it creates a what if category:
- What if he finished and I got pregnant and I had to have his kid?
- What if he had something and now I’ve contracted it to?
- What if he hit me instead of that one time choke hold?
- What if I had just left and gone back to my room and back to sleep?
- What if I was strong enough to stop him from taking off my clothes?
I feel like I tried so hard to make him stop. I did, I know I did. But, he was so strong and so determined. Even still, why do I feel like such a failure? Why do I still feel like I caused this to happen? Why can’t I just put 100% of the blame on him? What’s wrong with me? How can someone have sympathy for their rapist?
I just want these thoughts to go away. All of them. But, I know they won’t because I can’t pretend like it never happened, because it did happen. So now I have to find a way to live with the consequences? Results? Outcome? Aftermath.
It’s just getting harder and harder and there’s less to distract yourself with.