It’s not fair.
When I see other women and they are so put together & they say that they are survivors of sexual assault as well. I don’t think it’s fair that they are okay & I’m not. I know that it will take some time. But, when will I get to stand tall & proud I say that I survived too? Because as of right now, I don’t see myself being able to to do that…ever.
When will I be able to say that it no longer affects me? 5 years from now? 2 years? 1 month? 2 more weeks? The fact that I will never know when I’ll be myself again is what bothers me most. I know I have to take it one day at a time, but these days are getting harder and harder.
I’m so tired. But, not only that I feel so guilty. I feel as if I’m complaining too much. I feel like I should just get over it because it wasn’t that bad. I feel as if I should be happy, because I’ve lived a blessed life. I’ve had some trials here and there, but overall it’s been good. So I feel like I shouldn’t complain. I feel like I have no right to do so.
And that’s what makes some days harder than others. I am in this enormous amount of pain, but I don’t feel like can express that. There are days where I am overwhelmed by sadness, but I feel like I’m not allowed to be, or at the very least l don’t think I can be. But then there are days when I’m completely fine.
I just want to go home. I just want to be happy again. I just want to go back & stop it from happening, so l don’t have to feel this way anymore.
I regret everything…