I feel like if it happens again, this time I will be able to control the outcome.
Does that make me an terrible person?
I want to be put in a similar situation again, so I can prove to myself that I CAN and will control the outcome this time.
Now, does that make me a terrible person?
I’m afraid that every interaction I have with a guy is going to end up the same way.
Am I doing something to lead them on?
Sometimes, I want it to happen again.
I am not leading them on.
If I can prove to myself that I am strong enough to make the right decisions and stand my ground, then maybe I won’t have these thoughts anymore.
But, as I write that, the first thought that comes to mind is that I shouldn’t have to fight you off to get you to stop.
I shouldn’t have to, but I did, and I lost.
How will I know next time will be different?
I know not all guys are the same, but it’s hard to separate what he did, from what all men are capable of doing.
I don’t know for certain if next time will be different, but I know I will be different.