Square One: Part Two 

I feel like everyone else’s life is going on without me and I am emotionally at a stand still.

I feel like I am stuck and I have no way how to get out. 

It’s worse because I’m currently not working right now, so I literally have nothing to do. But, in reality, I also don’t want to do anything. 

For two weeks now I have been lying on my bed or the couch, blaming my laziness on my back injury, but really it might just be me. 

I’m not motivated to do anything or to go anywhere. I just want to watch television, eat, and sleep.

I don’t know if I’m depressed or just lazy. I want to get up and work out and lose all the weight I’ve gained, but it’s physically so hard to do. I had high hopes for losing weight this month and I think I might have lost maybe one pound? 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

And I hate that nothing has changed: 

  1. My back hasn’t gotten better. 
  2. I’m still fat. 
  3. I’m back to thinking about the incident and him. 

I’m literally fighting with myself on a daily basis. “You shouldn’t be eating that. You should be working out.” “You can work out later, keep lying here.”

I’m also a self sabotaging person. Yesterday I bought bags of salad and today I went out to buy ramen. It’s like I don’t want myself to get better and succeed. 

I hate how far I’ve fallen. I hate how lazy I’ve been. I hate that I’ve gained so much weight. I hate that I’m not happy. I hate that I have no one to talk to about this because everyone is so busy. 

I hate that I’m all alone.

Alex. 

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