Always Silenced

I feel as if every time I want to open up, something happens. Something always comes comes up and I feel silenced, and I feel as if I have missed my opportunity. Then the ten seconds of bravery that I did have, I lose. And I never truly get it back until I eventually break and then what’s the point of that?

It also doesn’t help that I can never really gather my words to actually express what I want to say.

It doesn’t help that I can never really gather my mind to figure out how I feel.

I keep fighting with myself that I am not allowed to feel this way.

I keep telling myself that I shouldn’t be feeling this way.

I keep reminding myself that I don’t need to feel this way.

And I keep saying that I am making it all up.

Like, is it all in my mind? Am I actually feeling this way or do I just want attention?

But if it’s all for attention, then why don’t I share what I am feeling to get that attention?

Why don’t I call up my friends every night or every other night to let them know that I am feeling lonely or sad, or that I haven’t stopped thinking about those nights all day.

Or maybe I should tell them that every time I go to workout I think of him at least once, because remember I was training for a Tough Mudder at the time and he would come into the gym as well to work out.

Should I tell my friends that when things start to wind down on the weekends is when I have the free time to actually remember the things that happen and for the past two weekends I’ve had boughts of tears.

How do I let them know that as the time is slowly approaching and the second wave of the project is happening in April again, I desperately wanted to be on the that project for reasons I can’t even bring myself to say out loud.

You know it’s gotten to the point that the most upsetting thing isn’t the actual incident itself, but how much time has past and what’s happened in the aftermath.

How do you explain out loud the fights that you’re having in your head?

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