I’m Not Ready

I was asked recently about my temperament. I feel like for the most part it’s pretty steady. But, every so often it can change. Just like that. And currently, I feel like a ‘just like that’ moment is occurring.

I am slowly starting to realize how much money I actually missed out on by not being accepted for a project I applied for. And to make matters worse, it would have been the perfect project for me. Here’s why:

1. The project was in California, with the same hospital system I worked at when the incident happened.
2. It’s in the same city where the Huxtables currently reside and I would have been there for Theo’s birthday, which is today.
3. It would have been for a different company so the chances of me seeing him are slim to none.
4. I would have been working inpatient hours, so more hours equals more pay.

ALL of which are fantastic reasons. Like I said, perfect project.

I have been trying to console myself with the idea that everything happens for a reason, and since I lost that opportunity I have received two initiated conversations about a full time position. But so far, nothing has come from it. Which means I have nothing right now. ‘I have no money and no prospects’ as my friends would always say.

I am starting to get worried that I am currently going down the wrong path and eventually it’s going to be to hard to turn away. I am starting to feel as if I haven’t accomplished much with my life. And I am slowly, not fully yet, starting to feel like I am wasting my life and I could be doing so much more.

I want to be doing so much more, but right now no one is giving me the chance. All I need is for one organization to take a chance on me and give me an opportunity to prove to them that I am actually really good at what I do. I just need to be trained and given the platform to shine.

And I need for it to happen soon. Because currently I am starting to lose hope just a little. And not yet, but I feel it coming on, I feel like I am on the verge of a backslide of the century.

I have been on an extended high for way too long. I have had the summer of a lifetime and I am currently achieving my body goals and I feel like the universe might think that I am too happy and it’s time to be taken down a notch.

I’m not ready.

Alex