Where do I even begin?
A part of me doesn’t even want to write this because what’s even the point? I write, I feel worse, then I feel better, but at the end of the day who reads it?
There are so many emotions and so many thoughts that are going through my head that I don’t know where to start, and when I finally do my fingers can’t keep up.
I guess I’ll start with highlights?:
- I just got back from vacation in Japan. It was absolutely amazing. There were a few hiccups getting there and I didn’t get everything I should have while I was there, but all in all, it was a great trip.
- I start work again in a couple of weeks. I haven’t had a paycheck since September of last year and before that it was June. I have been living off of my savings for the past few months and it’s been extremely stressful.
- I have gained a lot of weight so my fitness journey has been severally altered.
- More so before my trip, but also since I’ve been back I have been thinking about harming myself. Not because of something specific that happened, I mean yes, but not really.
- I have become a lot closer with my older sister.
- I have solidified the idea that I don’t have a best friend. I am very lonely and I don’t feel like I am being listened to.
- I am afraid to be constantly complaining, so I keep things to myself as much as I can. Which is also why I tend to withdraw from situations.
- I guess I got my wish. I am going back to California in April. Only this time, it will be San Francisco.
So, a lot has happened. A lot will continue to happen and I hate that I am going through it all alone. You don’t know how lonely you truly are until you come home from a vacation and realize you have no one to share your stories with.
The other day, I opened up to my friends about a idea that has always been floating around my head about my views/stance on sex and my incident and they ignore it completely. Not even on person acknowledge what I said. For reference, here is what I sent them. Some background, we were talking about sex and the pressure we feel to wait and if our religious upbringing was a cause. But, also the feeling of it all just being taboo. Also, I was abroad when the conversation happened so I couldn’t respond until about 2:30am their time.
I know I’m late to the conversation and it’s late where you guys are, but… I definitely agree that we’ve put so much pressure on the event itself. A few months ago I wasn’t doing to hot and I was essentially fighting with myself again about what happened. Unpopular opinion coming: I got to thinking that if I was more open to sex and essentially more willing or not waiting that what happened in CA, wouldn’t have happened. It would have just been another night. Chalk it up to the game, as they say. It sucks to think that way, but I do. I still think it’s something that’s special and it should be done with someone who at least likes you for you, and not for your body. But, I do agree that the narrative around it is semi toxic. But it’s also spared me a tragic downward spiral of sexual partners. So that’s good right? I do think that as a group we don’t talk about it enough. It’s a normal everyday activity that people think about and do. I myself have to stop shying away from the conversation when others bring it up, but it’s not taboo, y’all are right on that one.
Not one of them respond to a word I said. There are three of them. One of the girls at 10am posted a link about something irrelevant and to do with the royals. And that was that. The conversation was over. They all got to talk about and converse about the topic, but once I chimed in it was over.
This is why I have friends, but I still feel alone.
This is why I don’t open up.
This is why I feel like I am a better friend to them than they are to me.
This is why I don’t have a best friend.
This is why.
I am so tired of this. I am tired of feeling this way. And I am tired that no one is listening.