Fear vs. Fantasy

I have a problem

It’s a pretty big one, considering the ramifications. I know I’ve probably said this before, but I think that for the longest time I have always wanted something bad to happen. Not really, but really. I think I just kept fantasizing it. A LOT. Perhaps, too much.

I kept thinking the worst possible thing. Always. And a part of me, albeit a small part wanted it to come true. Like an accident or a something. I don’t think I wanted the bad thing to necessarily happen. I think I just wanted to see how I would react to the bad thing itself, if that makes sense?

I wanted to get sick to see how strong I would be as a result.

I wanted to be put in bad situations to see if I could find my way out of them.

I wanted bad things to happen so I could be my own savior.

But now that some have come true and I wasn’t strong enough. I want a do over to prove that I still can rescue myself.

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