It’s been a long time since I have written anything on here.
I don’t know what’s calling me to write today, but I feel slightly compelled. I am currently sitting on my balcony, with my wireless typewriter keyboard, dress in a onesie, slightly sweating, drinking a Kombucha that I bought for a friend but she didn’t drink, listening to the sounds of nature, the music playing from my tv, and me typing and retyping because of the amount of spelling mistakes. Getting used to the keyboard is taking some time.
I can’t tell if I am writing for me or writing as if I am writing my next great novel, either way I feel off.
I have felt off for some time now, but today I can’t tell if it’s because I am still slightly high from the edibles that I have eaten or what.
Anyway, without getting into too much detail today because I don’t want to spiral, here are some of my highlights since the last time I’ve written. In no particular order.
- I have been diagnosed with depression and PTSD.
- I have been taking my medication and I think some days it helps some days it doesn’t.
- My sister in law passed away two weeks after her 26 birthday.
- My brother owes me over $20k and my accounts have overdrawn 3 times since December
- I bought a new car in February. All electric.
- In December, I met an amazing guy on Hinge. We met for ‘dinner’ and drinks, I got drunk, I got a ticket, I drove him home, I spent the night at his place upon meeting him and we were very close to sleeping together (having sex) on his twin bed of his dorm room where he is getting a Masters in Theology. We met two more times. The third time again, I was drinking but not as drunk. I called him to come to my place and we again almost slept together after I cried in his arms for like an hour.
- I have been seeing a therapist consistently for the past few months. She’s been helpful.
- I have cried more in the last 4 months than I have in the last like 10 years.
- I have wanted to self harm and I have even bought new smoother razors, but thankfully I haven’t.
- I am still tired of being alone.
- I think I Was trying to force Theo’s hand and just take advantage of me like last time but thankfully he’s not a terrible person.
- Sometimes I just spend money just to spend it.
- Sometimes I am mad that I even have to think about money as much as I do.
- Sometimes money just stresses me out.
- I work two jobs and this year I am slated to make around $175k and still don’t think that’s enough.
- I hate how much I still have to take care of other people yet there is no one to take care of me.
- Sometimes I just want to forget about things.