Take a Chance on Me

Every so often I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I wonder why I’m still single, I wonder why I haven’t completely dropped all the weight I’ve been working so hard to lose, I wonder if I’m on the right track, I wonder if I’m doing the right thing, I just wonder about so many things.

I have been trying to read my Bible more and pray more, it’s gotten a lot better, it I wonder if I’m doing enough.

I have this compulsive need to fix everything and I don’t always know how or if I do, I don’t have the money.

There was a job that I was really interested in and 100% could have done, but they don’t think I have enough experience. The unfortunate part is I know that I would have done a fantastic job. And if they would have just given me a chance to learn, perfect my craft, and show them what I can do i know they wouldn’t have been disappointed.

I hate that no one can see how great I truly am.

Better yet, I have that no one is willing to see how great I truly am.

I don’t want to be alone forever. I don’t want to have to be constantly finding a job that pays more. I want something that will cover my expenses and my parents expenses easily.

I’m fortunate to have so much and I don’t take it for granted. Not one bit.

I’m a Villain

Do you ever feel like you’re the villain in your own story? Not just metaphorically, but actually.

Today, I realized that I’m a complete asshole. I’m a bitch. I’m a terrible person and an even worse daughter.

Today, I made my father cry. It was subtle, but it was there.

I didn’t realize that what I was saying actually affected him until he came to me and said so.

What’s wrong with me?

How can one person be so cruel? I thought I was jokingly speaking to him, but apparently not.

Here’s the story:

He asked what happened to the Rumchata that was on the counter? And I said, ‘well you drank it all. It’s gone. What do you mean?’ I said it with the same attitude I’ve had towards him for most of my life (which I know is a problem). He said he didn’t drink it all and I just kept saying he did, like he drank the Fireball and all the other drinks I bought. And I walked away and left him standing there.

For context, we’ve had this or a similar exchange before. But this one was different.

He came to my workstation with tears in his eyes and said something along the lines of, ‘Even if I did drink it, it was only a small small sip. I can’t have that?’ then he walked away.

Of course, I immediately got up and went to him and gave him a hug, which to be honest I don’t remember the last time I did that. Granted, we’re not a hugging family like that. But still, I hugged him and apologized and told him I loved him and he told me a story of his childhood.

I honestly hate that I am this way. I feel like I know the underlying reasons for it, but it still sucks that I can’t bring myself to change. We’re not getting any younger and time is just constant flying by and I am wasting it by being the way I am.

I am a terrible person and daughter. I know that. I’ve known that. But, I haven’t acknowledged really. Maybe now in doing so, I can learn to change.

Alex.

Fear vs. Fantasy

I have a problem

It’s a pretty big one, considering the ramifications. I know I’ve probably said this before, but I think that for the longest time I have always wanted something bad to happen. Not really, but really. I think I just kept fantasizing it. A LOT. Perhaps, too much.

I kept thinking the worst possible thing. Always. And a part of me, albeit a small part wanted it to come true. Like an accident or a something. I don’t think I wanted the bad thing to necessarily happen. I think I just wanted to see how I would react to the bad thing itself, if that makes sense?

I wanted to get sick to see how strong I would be as a result.

I wanted to be put in bad situations to see if I could find my way out of them.

I wanted bad things to happen so I could be my own savior.

But now that some have come true and I wasn’t strong enough. I want a do over to prove that I still can rescue myself.

Changes

I feel like I am being changed by the people in my environment and I don’t know if I like it. I don’t know if it’s a positive change. I just know that it’s not me.

For example, I just recently bought a straight wig, one because I have always wanted it and two the opportunity presented itself when I was in the wig shop with my co-worker. Don’t get me wrong, the hair looks amazing, and I look amazing and I feel good wearing it (sometimes). But, the reactions that I received from it just made me feel like my natural hair and my natural self isn’t enough. I love my hair in an afro, and yeah at times I could style it a bit more but I love big, curly, and unruly hair. But now I feel like I should wear my hair differently because others like it better. Because it makes me better?

Example #2. We get car rentals for this project and usually I don’t care what car I get as long as it’s a car, right? However, my co-workers are bougie people and they feel that they need to have the best of the best wherever they go. So currently two of them are driving Range Rovers, mainly because they’ve been renting cars longer than me and they have the upgrade privileges, but also because they’re bougie. However one of my other coworkers is driving a regular car and I feel like I should have just listened to her when she said to get whatever car I wanted. When the time came for me to pick up my car yesterday they asked if I wanted a Nissan Maxima or if I wanted a Chrysler 300 (which was the first car I had, that my bougie coworkers swooned over) and I chose the Chrysler because I wanted to impress my co-workers. I’ve regretted that decision since I’ve driven off the lot, because I should have picked the other car, not only to try something new but because it’s still a nice car regardless of name. And it would have been my choice to get it. I know it sounds like a stupid thing to complain about or take issue with, but the problem is that I feel like I’m not doing things for me but for others. And I don’t like it.

I don’t want to be anyone other than who I am. And if I do change I want it to be because I am growing up, not because I am conforming or changing to who other people expect me to become.

I’ve always maintained that I didn’t care what other people thought of me (for the most part), but now I feel like I am constantly on display and being judged by everyone around me and I just need to do whatever I can to measure up to them.

I don’t like it, at all.

Childlike

I feel like a child.

I feel like the person who hasn’t grown up.

I feel like a failure.

I feel like a nothing.

I feel nothing.

I feel like I am not who I want to be.

I feel like I am not who I am supposed to be.

I feel like I am not who I want/ed to be.

I feel like…

I don’t know.

I just don’t feel like me.

Grow the fuck up Alex.

Be better than this.

Be better.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Is there anything even wrong with me?

Why can’t I get passed this?

Why am I like this?

Why can’t I be normal?

What is happening to me?

Why is this happening to me?

Fuck.

Choices

I’ve recently come to the conclusion that the reason why it’s affected me so much wasn’t the act itself, but the fact that my choice was taken away.

I know you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Well of course, I could have told you that from the beginning.” but no. You couldn’t have. Because you weren’t there. And you didn’t know the whole story.

It took another physical, not sexual, encounter for me to realize that indeed I wasn’t hurt by him sexually (well I was, but I wasn’t). I was hurt by the fact that things progressed too far too fast and I wasn’t in control of anything. It was all about him and his needs and not once did he realize that I was terrified. Not once did he ask if I was okay. Not once.

Yes, I made the choice to go back to his room, but he made the choice to not listen to me when I spoke.

I was afraid to admit that before the incident I enjoyed our foreplay because maybe that would mean that I wanted it, I didn’t. Let me be very clear, I did not. He was a great kisser and he was hot, and we had fun, but everything that happened after, I did not want. I’ve come to terms with being okay with the first incident, maybe, not really.

But, the sex. No. I did not want. I wasn’t ready and he knew that. He took advantage of me and he took the choice away from me.

He raped me of my choice.

I’m Not Alone, But I Am

I know that I am not the only person in the world who has gone through a traumatic experience. I get that. I truly do. But, I am the only me who has gone through one. When people say that they are there for you, I believe them I know that they are, but it’s not the same.

I have tried reaching out to support groups or people who have gone through something similar, but that’s also not the same.

What people fail to realize or simply what they fail to tell you is that, no matter how often someone says they will be there for you, it’s not the same as you being capable of being there for yourself.

If that makes sense.

Until, I can wrap my head around the fact that some days will just suck and I have to move forward regardless, it’s going to be hard for me to fully accept support from others.

This past weekend was the closest I have come to in a while when it came to self harming. For the most part, I have been able to distract myself or just not have triggers for a while now. I have just been that busy, which is good. However, this past weekend I felt as if something was wholly off and I wasn’t able to feel like myself.

Long story short, I made it through the weekend without a slip up and I am really proud of myself mainly because as much as I reached out to strangers it was truly to strength from within that kept me safe.

I tend to think the most about my incident when I am in my room on the weekends because for the most part I stay in my hotel bed all day. I also tend to think about what happened when I am at the gym because there was a point in time where I kept running into him. I also tend to think about him whenever I meet someone new that even remotely resembles him. I tend to think about it whenever I hear the words sex, or rape, or backdoor, or virginity, etc. Or even whenever I am out for drinks with friends I tend to think about it. I also think about it at work whenever I am going to the bathroom because I feel as if I am going to be attacked in the stall. I think about him/it whenever I am walking down the staircase. I think about him/it when I am listening to my audio-books or when I am watching TV.

Moral of the story: I think about that night a lot. More than I would like to admit. More than I can admit, because it hurts too much.

What they fail to tell you is that there is never NOT going to be a time when I don’t think about it. And even now when I do I still get that pang in my stomach of just hurt and realization that this truly happened and I wasn’t able to stop it.

See here’s the thing. I know that my friends will always listen to me if I have an issue or a problem, especially when it comes to this, but the problem is they haven’t experienced it. I pray to God they never will.. But, because of that, they don’t get the leaps that my mind takes whenever I am triggered. And let’s be honest, it’s not big triggers, it could be small, but I don’t know how to let them in.

I don’t know how to tell them that even though I may seem fine and I am fine…. enough, that I can still feel not 100%.

I know that I am not alone, but it does feel that way a lot of the time.

Alex

Is it an Anniversary or Not?

Is it weird that I’ve come to think about today as sort of an anniversary?

Tonight will mark two years, two years since I lost a part of me. Two years since that part of me was taken away to a point where I know for a fact I can’t get it back. I have been thinking about this date for a while now. Trying to figure out how I was going to react to it, considering the fact that I’m currently in California again right now.

No, I am not in San Diego again. But yes, I am on a project. So, I think that’s what makes it different. That’s what makes me wonder how I am going to be this year. I am currently in San Francisco, so Northern California. At first, I was nervous because I thought that he was going to be here as well and since this is a longer contract I didn’t know what I could have done to avoid him for so long. But, Thank God, he’s not here. I found that out early on.

But there is a guy here that I can’t tell how I feel when I am around him, I can’t tell if I feel uncomfortable or not. But, I’ll go into that a little later.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand, if you can call it that. I have been patiently awaiting this day for some time now. A couple of weeks ago, well closer to a month really, I self harmed again. This time is was more aggressive but less destructive? If that makes sense. I didn’t use my normal means, but I did leave marks this time, which I normally don’t do. And I also felt as if I couldn’t necessarily control myself? I just got so angry with everything, but also just angry for no reason. I was also just overwhelmed with everything being put on me. And I felt like I had a lot more random bouts of crying and I just felt so alone. I thought about reaching out to my friends and asking them to at the very least talk to me, but it was hard to make that step, because they’re so busy. And I know that they said and constantly say that no matter what they would drop what they were doing, so to speak, for me but, I can’t seem to wrap my head around that.

So, instead I get stuck in my head, and stuck in my thoughts, and essentially stuck on a loop that never seems to be ending of how I am,

  1. Not worth their time &
  2. I don’t know how to explain why I am feeling the way I am feeling. So,
  3. What’s the point of bringing it up anyway?

I think for me that’s been the scariest part of these two years. There are times where I am so overwhelmed and consumed by emotions that it literally terrifies me. Even writing this, I am afraid of how I am going to feel afterwards because I don’t know if this will be cathartic or destructive.

It doesn’t help that my friends are in a time zone 2 or 3 hours ahead. And that’s why I felt so stuck last time. I had no one to talk to. I was alone and the people that could’ve helped were asleep. It sucked.

For now however, I am going to start the day like a regular day. I want it to be regular day. I don’t want to be consumed y this anymore. I just want to enjoy my Friday while I look forward to the weekend.

I am not defined by this. I know that. Not just because I have been told that, but also because I am so much more! I just need some time to make sure that solidifies in my head.

Alex.

Same Story, Different Day

Where do I even begin?

A part of me doesn’t even want to write this because what’s even the point? I write, I feel worse, then I feel better, but at the end of the day who reads it?

There are so many emotions and so many thoughts that are going through my head that I don’t know where to start, and when I finally do my fingers can’t keep up.

I guess I’ll start with highlights?:

  1. I just got back from vacation in Japan. It was absolutely amazing. There were a few hiccups getting there and I didn’t get everything I should have while I was there, but all in all, it was a great trip.
  2. I start work again in a couple of weeks. I haven’t had a paycheck since September of last year and before that it was June. I have been living off of my savings for the past few months and it’s been extremely stressful.
  3. I have gained a lot of weight so my fitness journey has been severally altered.
  4. More so before my trip, but also since I’ve been back I have been thinking about harming myself. Not because of something specific that happened, I mean yes, but not really.
  5. I have become a lot closer with my older sister.
  6. I have solidified the idea that I don’t have a best friend. I am very lonely and I don’t feel like I am being listened to.
  7. I am afraid to be constantly complaining, so I keep things to myself as much as I can. Which is also why I tend to withdraw from situations.
  8. I guess I got my wish. I am going back to California in April. Only this time, it will be San Francisco.

So, a lot has happened. A lot will continue to happen and I hate that I am going through it all alone. You don’t know how lonely you truly are until you come home from a vacation and realize you have no one to share your stories with.

The other day, I opened up to my friends about a idea that has always been floating around my head about my views/stance on sex and my incident and they ignore it completely. Not even on person acknowledge what I said. For reference, here is what I sent them. Some background, we were talking about sex and the pressure we feel to wait and if our religious upbringing was a cause. But, also the feeling of it all just being taboo. Also, I was abroad when the conversation happened so I couldn’t respond until about 2:30am their time.

I know I’m late to the conversation and it’s late where you guys are, but… I definitely agree that we’ve put so much pressure on the event itself. A few months ago I wasn’t doing to hot and I was essentially fighting with myself again about what happened. Unpopular opinion coming: I got to thinking that if I was more open to sex and essentially more willing or not waiting that what happened in CA, wouldn’t have happened. It would have just been another night. Chalk it up to the game, as they say. It sucks to think that way, but I do. I still think it’s something that’s special and it should be done with someone who at least likes you for you, and not for your body. But, I do agree that the narrative around it is semi toxic. But it’s also spared me a tragic downward spiral of sexual partners. So that’s good right? I do think that as a group we don’t talk about it enough. It’s a normal everyday activity that people think about and do. I myself have to stop shying away from the conversation when others bring it up, but it’s not taboo, y’all are right on that one.

Not one of them respond to a word I said. There are three of them. One of the girls at 10am posted a link about something irrelevant and to do with the royals. And that was that. The conversation was over. They all got to talk about and converse about the topic, but once I chimed in it was over.

This is why I have friends, but I still feel alone.

This is why I don’t open up.

This is why I feel like I am a better friend to them than they are to me.

This is why I don’t have a best friend.

This is why.

I am so tired of this. I am tired of feeling this way. And I am tired that no one is listening.

Alex.