I’m a Villain

Do you ever feel like you’re the villain in your own story? Not just metaphorically, but actually.

Today, I realized that I’m a complete asshole. I’m a bitch. I’m a terrible person and an even worse daughter.

Today, I made my father cry. It was subtle, but it was there.

I didn’t realize that what I was saying actually affected him until he came to me and said so.

What’s wrong with me?

How can one person be so cruel? I thought I was jokingly speaking to him, but apparently not.

Here’s the story:

He asked what happened to the Rumchata that was on the counter? And I said, ‘well you drank it all. It’s gone. What do you mean?’ I said it with the same attitude I’ve had towards him for most of my life (which I know is a problem). He said he didn’t drink it all and I just kept saying he did, like he drank the Fireball and all the other drinks I bought. And I walked away and left him standing there.

For context, we’ve had this or a similar exchange before. But this one was different.

He came to my workstation with tears in his eyes and said something along the lines of, ‘Even if I did drink it, it was only a small small sip. I can’t have that?’ then he walked away.

Of course, I immediately got up and went to him and gave him a hug, which to be honest I don’t remember the last time I did that. Granted, we’re not a hugging family like that. But still, I hugged him and apologized and told him I loved him and he told me a story of his childhood.

I honestly hate that I am this way. I feel like I know the underlying reasons for it, but it still sucks that I can’t bring myself to change. We’re not getting any younger and time is just constant flying by and I am wasting it by being the way I am.

I am a terrible person and daughter. I know that. I’ve known that. But, I haven’t acknowledged really. Maybe now in doing so, I can learn to change.

Alex.

New Year, Please Change

Something’s got to give.

Anything. 

I am so tired of feeling this way.

I am so tired of complaining about feeling this way.

When I get in my moods it’s hard for me to come out of it. It’s also hard hard for me to explain everything that’s going on in my head. I just want to stay away from people and not have any interactions.

I am supposed to have a call with my friends today, but I wasn’t feeling it since the morning and now I have a sort of out. I am going to the movies with my brother. I honestly just don’t want to do anything.

My parents already pissed me off this morning and that had put me in a sour mood all morning. I am starting to lighten up now that I am going to the movies, but still.

I feel like this is not going to end. I feel like this is my life now and I am so so very tired of it. I just want things to change. I want them to get better. I need them to. Because I’m tired.

ALEX

Relapse

I don’t know what to do.

& I don’t know what happened.

But, I’m afraid that it’s going to happen again.

Long story short, November fucking sucked. My family was in an accident and I’ve been taking care of my mom, who fractured her back, and sister, who ruptured her Achilles tendon and consequently had a blood clot.

I’ve been the one waking up in the middle of the night giving pain meds. I’ve been the one making meals, cleaning, and shopping. I’ve been the one to take them to the ER and stay with them when they’ve been admitted. I’ve been the one to do everything.

I became a nurse and a mom overnight.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind it because it’s something that I just had to do. Well, I didn’t mind it. At first. But now. I’m tired. I’m tired of only being the one called. I’m tired of only being the one who cooks and cleans. I tired of constantly trying to make everyone happy. I’ve been taking care of them, with no one to take care of me.

I’ve had two breakdowns this month.

The first one, I was extremely tired and exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically just lost it after going to the gym. I called my friend to try and calm me down and she suggested I contact my doctor. I did. And it wasn’t what I expected and we ran out of time.

During that breakdown, I ended up self harming again. It was the only thing that I could do to get the thoughts to stop. It was the only thing I could think of to do to get my mind off everything that was happening around me. It was the only thing I could do for myself.

After that time, I had to snap out of it because I had responsibilities as a nurse mom and I couldn’t focus on myself, right? I had no time. So I pushed my emotions aside and got back to work.

Today, well yesterday. It happened again. I got overwhelmed with everything that was going on and all the responsibilities I have to do that don’t belong to me and I sat in my car and drank. For two reasons, 1. I didn’t want to go inside and be bombarded with requests to do something. & 2. I didn’t want my family to know that I was drinking, especially not that much.

When I got inside what do you know, I was already being asked about tomorrow. Can you do this, take me here, help with that. Like, can I breathe for one moment before you start the attacks.

All day I had been thinking about getting a tattoo that says, breathe or just breathe on my wrist. So when I came back today, I thought it would be a good idea to write it on just to see what it would look like. The pen turned into a razor I found and I ended up self harming again.. I think this might have been the first time I did it while drinking. But regardless, it happened. And I not to sure that it won’t happen again.

I just want to go somewhere where people don’t need me to take care of them, but instead I’m the one being taken care of. I want to go where people don’t know me. I just want to go somewhere. Anywhere. I just don’t want to be here anymore. At least not right now.

Alex.

Thoughts: Real & Imaginary Intrusive Ones 

So I know you’re probably tired of hearing about what happened to me, almost as much as I am tired of talking about it. However, there are times when I need to talk about it, in order to get through it. This is one of those times. 

Early this week, I was having a few of my bad days. I was in a funk or a fog, and I just couldn’t shake it. I reached out to one friend and she helped for a bit, but then stopped. I reached out to another friend, same situation. But, then I reached out to the friend who was my outcry witness, because she’s been the only one to actually talk me through whatever I’ve been feeling. She’s been able to rationale my emotions. However, I’ve been hesitant to reach out to her all this time for a few reasons:

  1. She’s in law school. 
  2. Her mom is going through a lot and is having surgery soon.
  3. Her family already puts a lot of pressure on her to help them out. They rely on her.
  4. She doesn’t take enough time for herself. 
  5. I did not want to add to her current stress and have to worry about me.

So with all of that floating around in my head, I haven’t reached out to her until recently. Until, I knew that I couldn’t do it on my own anymore.  But, like I knew she would, she helped she gave me real responses, reassuring sentiments, and I felt her care.

So on to the thoughts. There are two kinds that have been invading my mind. The first set consists of the events that transpired because of you know who. It’s as if my mind is forcing me to relive it constantly any time I am even slightly triggered. Granted, there are times when I can stop it, like if I’m at work or busy. But, then there are times when they don’t go away and I have to relive it over and over and over again…

What’s even worse is when my mind decides that what happened to me wasn’t enough. So, it creates a what if category:

  • What if he finished and I got pregnant and I had to have his kid? 
  • What if he had something and now I’ve contracted it to?
  • What if he hit me instead of that one time choke hold?
  • What if I had just left and gone back to my room and back to sleep?
  • What if I was strong enough to stop him from taking off my clothes?

I feel like I tried so hard to make him stop. I did, I know I did. But, he was so strong and so determined. Even still, why do I feel like such a failure? Why do I still feel like I caused this to happen? Why can’t I just put 100% of the blame on him? What’s wrong with me? How can someone have sympathy for their rapist?

I just want these thoughts to go away. All of them. But, I know they won’t because I can’t pretend like it never happened, because it did happen. So now I have to find a way to live with the consequences? Results? Outcome? Aftermath.

It’s just getting harder and harder and there’s less to distract yourself with.

Alex. 

Self Confidence & Strength 

I’m constantly feeling lonely and occasionally unwanted. Which is partly why I clung (it’s a strong word, but I’m going to use it anyway) to the guys who finally gave me the time of day. I liked the attention, I never had it before and it felt nice to feel like I was somebody. But, at the same time, because it was all so new to me I questioned every aspect of it. Like, why me? What do they see in me now, that hundreds of guys beforehand didn’t see? Or, if they did see, why didn’t I notice and or why didn’t they tell me? 

I’m 24 and I’ve never had a boyfriend. At times, I’m like whatever I don’t care, I’m waiting for Mr. Right. But, then at times I feel like there has to be something wrong with me. I must not being doing something right. Or I’m simply not pretty enough, or small enough, or short enough, or whatever the case may be. 

Thus, in the same breath that I used to question why not me?, I’m now starting to ask why me? I’ve been shut down and pushed aside for so long, I’m starting to question my worth. I know I shouldn’t be looking for outward validation, but when you’ve been telling yourself you’re beautiful and you’re perfect just the way you are and nothing has come from it, you begin to wonder if you’ve been lying to yourself this whole time just to get you to sleep at night. 

Now, I’m not going to lie and they you that I have no self confidence, in fact before the incident happened I was actually gaining in confidence. I was working out, I was happy, I was loving who I saw in the mirror. I was damn sexy and I knew it. 

Granted, it’s been a long time coming. Growing up, I had little self confidence, I was fat, I didn’t care for my hair, at times. I didn’t think I was pretty and I was also subconscious of how I smelled (I sweat a lot.) Plus, I was/am tall, so being big and towering over people is no fun. But, that was the old me. It took me a long time to build myself up and in three nights (four really) it’s gone. 

I’ve been questioning constantly what people think of me. Do they talk about me, do they think I’m slut? Does he think I’m a liar? Does he know what happened? (even if he did, it wouldn’t be the whole truth.) 

So many things are going through my head all the time now, more so than normal. And it all has to do with how others are perceiving me. They don’t know the real me and I hate it. They just know the weaker, uncertain, version of me. And it’s all because I clearly don’t know how to act around guys who like me. If they do like me. To be honest, I think they just wanted to have sex with me.

& that’s not what I want. 

I want a relationship, I want a partner, I want someone to talk to. I don’t want a one night stand. And I definitely didn’t want what transpired to have happened, at the very least not like that. Not with someone I barely knew, in a city that’s not mine, in a hotel room, by force. 

I want more. I deserve more. 

Alexandria

Relationships 

You know what’s not fair? When I say that I want a boyfriend or that I want to be in a relationship and people come back with, 

“Oh, but you have the rest of your life to be in a relationship. What’s the hurry?”

The hurry is that I am tired of being single. The hurry is that I have done the single life, I’ve traveled and have had my own experiences. I’ve done what I want to do, and now I want to share that with someone else. Is that so bad?

I am not saying that I need a man, but why the hell can’t I have one? I get it, I’m young, I single, I’m independent. Whoop de freaking do? 

However, the problem is I’m alone. At night, I don’t have anyone to go home to, I don’t have anyone to texting me to see how my day was, I don’t have anyone to go to dinner, or the movies, or rock climbing or whatever the case may be. I don’t have anyone to be adventurous with or spontaneous, or even yet just someone to be bored with.

For those of you who think I should be able to do these things on my own and be happy. Fuck you. I never said I couldn’t. I simply do not want to. Why do I have to do things alone? Why should I be forced to be an independent black woman who don’t need no man? What’s the joy in having success if you have no one to share it with? And what’s the point of getting success if you’re just going to give it to the person you never grew with? 

Look don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to get married now, I don’t even know what I’m going to be doing in August. But, in reality, I am tired of being alone, I am tired of not having someone anyone really to share my secrets with. I tired of my current situation. That’s it.

Moral of the story: I shouldn’t have to be forced to do it alone either, and I shouldn’t be shamed for wanting to do it with someone. 

The Dating Game 

The problem I have with dating apps is… trifold? If that word is even allowed to be used in this instance. 

  1. I feel like I am forcing fate. 
  2. I don’t understand why guys swipe right on me. 
  3. I don’t feel like I am good enough. 

Now now, I know what you’re thinking. Gosh, she’s really hard on herself. But here’s the truth. I’ve never been the smallest girl in the room. Granted, I haven’t been the biggest either. But, I feel like that’s a huge factor for some guys. I’ve always been athletic, so I guess I have that going for me. But, until recently I haven’t actually stuck to maintaining a healthy lifestyle. This time I’m actually serious about losing the weight because I know I can do it and I want to see how good I can look. But, I digress this isn’t a fat post. Well, not entirely. 

Back to number one. Forcing fate and all that. I am a believer of “meet cutes” you know where you meet someone in like a coffee shop or restaurant or store and it’s like a great story to tell the kids in the future. You can’t have a “meet cute” online. What will I tell my kids, “Yeah sweetie, I swiped right on your father. And we’ve been together ever since.” How romantic? On that same note however, I don’t know why I’m thinking of forever with people I haven’t even met. But every time I am about to swipe right, I have to ask myself, “do I see myself with this person in the future?” (keep in mind that I have no way of knowing if they’ve swiped on me first before I swipe them.) Maybe I am taking it too seriously.

Numero dos. I am pretty hard on myself. But after hearing what my own friends do on the app (they just swipe tight on every girl, because it’s a numbers game and the girls have to initiate the conversation first so if they end up not liking her they don’t respond.) I wonder if the people who swiped right for me, I wonder if they’re genuine. To be honest,  I know there is a reason for everyone to pick anyone, I want to know what my catch is. How do I lure people in? 

And finally, because I’m falling asleep. (Correction, fell asleep, woke up and now I’m finishing this.) I know that the thought of me not being good enough is just another way I continue to bring myself down, but it’s still there. I see all these guys doing great things and then there’s me. After they meet me, will they think I’m still as amazing as they once imagined or will they be disappointed? 

But hey,  none of this even matters if they don’t respond, right? 

Alexandria 

 

I Bring This On Myself

I have come into the habit of talking back to my parents and it’s not something that I have ever thought I would do. Why? For fear of getting a whooping. But, look. I am 24 years old living at home with my parents and being treated like a child.

Perhaps it’s because for the past 24 years I have acting liked a child, but now I am tired of it. I am tired of living at home, under someone else’s rules. It’s 2017, it’s time for me to move on and move out. I don’t want to leave my mom, but I also don’t want to stay here with my dad either.

We don’t have the best relationship and I am tired of pretending like we do. I have hoped for so long that it will change and I have tried to change myself to help the situation, but there are just too many things that he has done in the past and is still continuing to do today that are bothering the heck out of me.

Granted, the arguments that we get into now, I bring on myself. I ‘ve caused everything that has happened to me.

So now, I am trying to cause this. I want to cause myself to get a job and move out. I want my own place, my own life, my own responsibilities.

So this week. I am putting every possible effort into finding a job, a good paying job. Any job really. And hopefully something will come out of it. If not, hopefully by next week I will know whether or not I have gotten into my Masters program. I just hate that I don’t know the next step of my life right now.

But as we learned at church yesterday, God has a plan for me and he already knows what’s around the river bend. I just have to continue trusting in him. He’s known my life since conception and he has a plan for me.

Alex.

So many thoughts…and not enough words.

This tends to happen to me a lot. I get OVERWHELMED with the thoughts that are in my head and I feel the need to write them down, but I physically can’t.

This is also why I haven’t finished my book. I know how I want certain scenes to playout I know who the characters are and I know what’s going to happed to them, but I can’t bring myself to writing it all down because it’s to much. My hands literally cannot type as fast as I can think.

This is always why I have this nasty habit of jumping from one thing to another because that’s how the thoughts are arranged in my head. I find myself skipping words when I type because my brain can’t process what my head want to do.

Back to the initial point at hand, I didn’t want this post to be about my book. I want it to be about the new year, I wanted it to be about how I was going to change certain aspects of my life while retaining others. It was going to be about my resolutions and how I plan on keeping them this time. This post was also supposed to be written days ago. Here’s a shocker, I’m rarely on time for things.

I also tend to get distracted easily. In the 5 minutes since I have begun this post I have been distracted about 7 times. I keep stopping and starting, and wondering what I am going to type next.

This post wasn’t even supposed to be this long. This was supposed to be two maybe three paragraphs of how I was supposed to write, how I didn’t, why I couldn’t, and what is causing my emotional break today. I haven’t even gotten to that. I haven’t even had the chance to tell you that today is my father’s birthday. And that my mother, I know you’re not supposed to start a sentence with and, gave him a birthday cards with words printed on it that came from a loving wife, and proceeded to write in her own words which read, and I’m not not quoting.

I wish this was how we are. This is how we used to be, and this is how I felt. But, not anymore. I am lonely and unhappy and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I told you this expecting you to change and you haven’t.

Happy Birthday right?

Alex.

I Made It

So today I hung out with a couple of old high school friends. Two different groups, but he was in both. Earlier for lunch I caught up with two of my guy friends, one of whom I saw last time when he was in town for Thanksgiving, and the other one I haven’t seen since August. He,

Him… the other one. The one I haven’t seen since August. I can write a book on our relationship and trust me the saga isn’t pretty.  It’s like a drama, but at times a tragedy, that could be a comedy if we let it.

And the second group was still him, but a friend a her boyfriend and another guy that I haven’t seen since summer since he’s living in New York now.

But regardless, I made it though. I made it the four and a half hours we spent at Chick-fil-a sitting side by side. I made it through him coming to my house, even if it was just to drop off his car so we can carpool with my girl friend. And I most certainly made it through the Brewery and dinner. We all had a great time.

I spent the whole day with him and it wasn’t awkward. We talked. I didn’t feel insecure, I didn’t feel less than. I could joke like I would normally do. There were a few times where I felt myself slipping back into old memories (not the good ones either), but I quickly got myself out of it.

All in all today was a good day. In fact, today was a great day. I got to see my friends and hangout like we used to. There wasn’t a pressure for me to be perfect. I felt confident and maybe it was because I knew the guys weren’t interested in me because we have been friends for so long, but I looked good and I felt good. Which is all that matters… right?

I would love to write more, but I am not going to lie. I am super tired and my head really hurts. So I am going to call in a night. If you would like to know more about my Saga with Him just let me know, I’ll fill you in. Maybe I’ll start from the beginning.. Who knows.

Goodbye & Goodnight

Alex. ❤