Trigger Warnings

Trigger warnings are real & needed. 

I always thought they were a joke. I always felt like people were being overly sensitive about specific issues. But, no. They’re oh so real. 

I found that out the hard way on Thursday. I was watching The Carmichael Show and I couldn’t even get through the first five minutes of it. 
Without any warning they were arguing about what constitutes rape and I think it was the first time that it actually hit me that I was raped. It was the first time that I allowed myself to feel it? I don’t know, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. That day was hard and filled with alcohol and tears. I just had a breakdown, really. 

It only stopped when I found out that one of my close friends from school had a baby. A nice distraction, but a hard distraction because it reminded me of how close I was to being in the same situation. Regardless, like I said it was a nice distraction. But, I still spent all of Friday in the craziest funk. 

I was supposed to go out with a friend, but that fell through. So I decided to go out by myself. I needed to get out of the house. Big mistake. I was in the crazy funk. I went to breakfast and ate. It was good & I’m fine with eating alone. That wasn’t the issue. The issue was I had to many things on my mind. 

I didn’t want to go home so I decided to go shopping instead. I needed new running shoes and I wanted to check to see if the TJMaxx by me had a certain pair of shoes (Toms) that I wanted, they did. But, I couldn’t even be happy about it. I bought them and bought baby clothes, super cute baby clothes mind you, but I couldn’t even be happy about that either. 

Before TJMaxx I went to Marshall’s and bought work pants (lots of them) and after TJMaxx I went to Belk and bought more baby clothes. Afterwards, I went to the outlets to find tennis shoes and found none. But, literally for the whole 3 hours that I was out, I literally couldn’t feel happy. I couldn’t really feel anything? It was as if I was going through the motions just to say that I did something. I had never felt that way before and it was kind of scary. I just didn’t care. I spent over $200 on Friday and I just kept telling myself, it doesn’t even matter. 

Yesterday (Saturday) was better. I didn’t think about it as much. And I even was able to go out with my mom and feel something. I went to my favorite store Bath & Body Works, bought a few things, and felt happy. 

So at least I am making progress, right? I’m getting better. I’m drinking less, or at the very least feeling the urge to drink less. Although, today was kinda hard, I wanted to get drunk. I didn’t though. Plus side!  

Anyway, I guess I’m just learning that this will always be a part of me. It’s something that happened and something that I can’t change. So, I just have to learn how to deal with it. It’s hard, but I’m trying.

One day at a time. 

-Alexandria Bridges 

All She Can Do Is Write

I’ve realized now that talking about it, doesn’t change what happened. It doesn’t make it any easier and it doesn’t give me back my virginity. It doesn’t do anything, but remind me of the fact that I could have prevented it all. It reminds me of how I should have been stronger and pushed harder. I should have voiced my opinions louder. And more simply, it reminds me of how I shouldn’t have gone back to his room. The first time. Or the second time. And more importantly, the third time.

I didn’t know what I wanted, but I knew I didn’t want that. 

I’ve told one person. My outcry witness so to speak. She advised me to speak with a counselor. I did. We did an initial session, but they’re booked and I don’t know when I can speak with someone again. But, I’d rather talk to a professional than my friends, because my friends can’t do anything for me, other than feel bad. Also, most likely try to convince me to press charges. (I’m not going to). 

I guess I don’t want them to know because I don’t want to go into details again about what happened. Because, I don’t want to have to convince myself again that it wasn’t my fault. I know it’s not, I’m starting to believe that now. I’ve just come to this good place and I don’t want to go back to the self blame game.

But, two of my friends are now pressing the issue. What do I tell them? Do I have to tell them? I don’t, right? But, I don’t want them to guess and or continue to harass me. But, I also don’t want them to know. But, I opened Pandora’s box when I said,

“All men are trash.”

I say it with my other group of friends all the time, and they don’t pry, they just agree. That wasn’t the case here. But, maybe I did it on purpose. Maybe I let it slip that I had a bad experience with a guy because I wanted them to know. Subconsciously. Or maybe, just maybe, it was a accident.

Either way, I’m stuck in a dilemma. I’ve told them that I don’t want to talk about it. But, one came back with and I quote..

“I think we need to talk through it. What else is the point of having confidential girl friends”

I get that, I truly do, but I don’t like talking about me anyway, at least not anymore. And I definitely don’t know how to say this. Like, oh yeah, by the way, I was raped in California.

Not really dinner conversation.

I guess I’m just not ready to let my friends know that I wasn’t strong enough to stop it.

So for now, writing is easier than talking. It always has been and I’m afraid it always will be. Because here, I don’t see your reaction immediately, so I feel more comfortable with giving more details.

Here, I feel like I’m talking to the perfect listener, my imaginary perfect best friend, or my perfect psychologist. The only person who won’t be burdened by my problems. They are always available to listen and they never judge, or say something that I don’t want to hear. Also, I trust you to never get sick of me and stop responding (even though you might not respond now).

There’s something freeing about laying your story on the line for everyone (strangers) to read free from judgement and ridicule. But, in the same breath there’s something confining about not being able to let your friends in and constantly keeping secrets..

It hurts a little. Okay, well a lot. But, I’ve been hurt before when it comes to telling my stories and secrets and I don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t want to lose another friend. So, I just keep my emotions to myself and write it down later and process it on my own. Until, I can’t anymore and then I break down and tell someone.

So for now, this is my solution. This is all I can do. And this will just have to do.

Alex.

The Dating Game

The problem I have with dating apps is… trifold? If that word is even allowed to be used in this instance. 

1. I feel like I am forcing fate. 
2. I don’t understand why guys swipe right on me. 
3. I don’t feel like I am good enough. 

Now now, I know what you’re thinking. Gosh, she’s really hard on herself. But here’s the truth. I’ve never been the smallest girl in the room. Granted, I haven’t been the biggest either. But, I feel like that’s a huge factor for some guys. I’ve always been athletic, so I guess I have that going for me. But, until recently I haven’t actually stuck to maintaining a healthy lifestyle. This time I’m actually serious about losing the weight because I know I can do it and I want to see how good I can look. But, I digress this isn’t a fat post. Well, not entirely. 

Back to number one. Forcing fate and all that. I am a believer of “meet cutes” you know where you meet someone in like a coffee shop or restaurant or store and it’s like a great story to tell the kids in the future. You can’t have a “meet cute” online. What will I tell my kids, “Yeah sweetie, I swiped right on your father. And we’ve been together ever since.” How romantic? On that same note however, I don’t know why I’m thinking of forever with people I haven’t even met. But every time I am about to swipe right, I have to ask myself, “do I see myself with this person in the future?” (keep in mind that I have no way of knowing if they’ve swiped on me first before I swipe them.) Maybe I am taking it too seriously.

Numero dos. I am pretty hard on myself. But after hearing what my own friends do on the app (they just swipe tight on every girl, because it’s a numbers game and the girls have to initiate the conversation first so if they end up not liking her they don’t respond.) I wonder if the people who swiped right for me, I wonder if they’re genuine. To be honest,  I know there is a reason for everyone to pick anyone, I want to know what my catch is. How do I lure people in? 

And finally, because I’m falling asleep. (Correction, fell asleep, woke up and now I’m finishing this.) I know that the thought of me not being good enough is just another way I continue to bring myself down, but it’s still there. I see all these guys doing great things and then there’s me. After they meet me, will they think I’m still as amazing as they once imagined or will they be disappointed? 

But hey,  none of this even matters if they don’t respond, right? 

Alexandria 

 

I Bring This On Myself

I have come into the habit of talking back to my parents and it’s not something that I have ever thought I would do. Why? For fear of getting a whooping. But, look. I am 24 years old living at home with my parents and being treated like a child.

Perhaps it’s because for the past 24 years I have acting liked a child, but now I am tired of it. I am tired of living at home, under someone else’s rules. It’s 2017, it’s time for me to move on and move out. I don’t want to leave my mom, but I also don’t want to stay here with my dad either.

We don’t have the best relationship and I am tired of pretending like we do. I have hoped for so long that it will change and I have tried to change myself to help the situation, but there are just too many things that he has done in the past and is still continuing to do today that are bothering the heck out of me.

Granted, the arguments that we get into now, I bring on myself. I ‘ve caused everything that has happened to me.

So now, I am trying to cause this. I want to cause myself to get a job and move out. I want my own place, my own life, my own responsibilities.

So this week. I am putting every possible effort into finding a job, a good paying job. Any job really. And hopefully something will come out of it. If not, hopefully by next week I will know whether or not I have gotten into my Masters program. I just hate that I don’t know the next step of my life right now.

But as we learned at church yesterday, God has a plan for me and he already knows what’s around the river bend. I just have to continue trusting in him. He’s known my life since conception and he has a plan for me.

Alex.

So many thoughts…and not enough words.

This tends to happen to me a lot. I get OVERWHELMED with the thoughts that are in my head and I feel the need to write them down, but I physically can’t.

This is also why I haven’t finished my book. I know how I want certain scenes to playout I know who the characters are and I know what’s going to happed to them, but I can’t bring myself to writing it all down because it’s to much. My hands literally cannot type as fast as I can think.

This is always why I have this nasty habit of jumping from one thing to another because that’s how the thoughts are arranged in my head. I find myself skipping words when I type because my brain can’t process what my head want to do.

Back to the initial point at hand, I didn’t want this post to be about my book. I want it to be about the new year, I wanted it to be about how I was going to change certain aspects of my life while retaining others. It was going to be about my resolutions and how I plan on keeping them this time. This post was also supposed to be written days ago. Here’s a shocker, I’m rarely on time for things.

I also tend to get distracted easily. In the 5 minutes since I have begun this post I have been distracted about 7 times. I keep stopping and starting, and wondering what I am going to type next.

This post wasn’t even supposed to be this long. This was supposed to be two maybe three paragraphs of how I was supposed to write, how I didn’t, why I couldn’t, and what is causing my emotional break today. I haven’t even gotten to that. I haven’t even had the chance to tell you that today is my father’s birthday. And that my mother, I know you’re not supposed to start a sentence with and, gave him a birthday cards with words printed on it that came from a loving wife, and proceeded to write in her own words which read, and I’m not not quoting.

I wish this was how we are. This is how we used to be, and this is how I felt. But, not anymore. I am lonely and unhappy and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I told you this expecting you to change and you haven’t.

Happy Birthday right?

Alex.

I Made It

So today I hung out with a couple of old high school friends. Two different groups, but he was in both. Earlier for lunch I caught up with two of my guy friends, one of whom I saw last time when he was in town for Thanksgiving, and the other one I haven’t seen since August. He,

Him… the other one. The one I haven’t seen since August. I can write a book on our relationship and trust me the saga isn’t pretty.  It’s like a drama, but at times a tragedy, that could be a comedy if we let it.

And the second group was still him, but a friend a her boyfriend and another guy that I haven’t seen since summer since he’s living in New York now.

But regardless, I made it though. I made it the four and a half hours we spent at Chick-fil-a sitting side by side. I made it through him coming to my house, even if it was just to drop off his car so we can carpool with my girl friend. And I most certainly made it through the Brewery and dinner. We all had a great time.

I spent the whole day with him and it wasn’t awkward. We talked. I didn’t feel insecure, I didn’t feel less than. I could joke like I would normally do. There were a few times where I felt myself slipping back into old memories (not the good ones either), but I quickly got myself out of it.

All in all today was a good day. In fact, today was a great day. I got to see my friends and hangout like we used to. There wasn’t a pressure for me to be perfect. I felt confident and maybe it was because I knew the guys weren’t interested in me because we have been friends for so long, but I looked good and I felt good. Which is all that matters… right?

I would love to write more, but I am not going to lie. I am super tired and my head really hurts. So I am going to call in a night. If you would like to know more about my Saga with Him just let me know, I’ll fill you in. Maybe I’ll start from the beginning.. Who knows.

Goodbye & Goodnight

Alex. ❤