Take a Chance on Me

Every so often I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I wonder why I’m still single, I wonder why I haven’t completely dropped all the weight I’ve been working so hard to lose, I wonder if I’m on the right track, I wonder if I’m doing the right thing, I just wonder about so many things.

I have been trying to read my Bible more and pray more, it’s gotten a lot better, it I wonder if I’m doing enough.

I have this compulsive need to fix everything and I don’t always know how or if I do, I don’t have the money.

There was a job that I was really interested in and 100% could have done, but they don’t think I have enough experience. The unfortunate part is I know that I would have done a fantastic job. And if they would have just given me a chance to learn, perfect my craft, and show them what I can do i know they wouldn’t have been disappointed.

I hate that no one can see how great I truly am.

Better yet, I have that no one is willing to see how great I truly am.

I don’t want to be alone forever. I don’t want to have to be constantly finding a job that pays more. I want something that will cover my expenses and my parents expenses easily.

I’m fortunate to have so much and I don’t take it for granted. Not one bit.

Changes

I feel like I am being changed by the people in my environment and I don’t know if I like it. I don’t know if it’s a positive change. I just know that it’s not me.

For example, I just recently bought a straight wig, one because I have always wanted it and two the opportunity presented itself when I was in the wig shop with my co-worker. Don’t get me wrong, the hair looks amazing, and I look amazing and I feel good wearing it (sometimes). But, the reactions that I received from it just made me feel like my natural hair and my natural self isn’t enough. I love my hair in an afro, and yeah at times I could style it a bit more but I love big, curly, and unruly hair. But now I feel like I should wear my hair differently because others like it better. Because it makes me better?

Example #2. We get car rentals for this project and usually I don’t care what car I get as long as it’s a car, right? However, my co-workers are bougie people and they feel that they need to have the best of the best wherever they go. So currently two of them are driving Range Rovers, mainly because they’ve been renting cars longer than me and they have the upgrade privileges, but also because they’re bougie. However one of my other coworkers is driving a regular car and I feel like I should have just listened to her when she said to get whatever car I wanted. When the time came for me to pick up my car yesterday they asked if I wanted a Nissan Maxima or if I wanted a Chrysler 300 (which was the first car I had, that my bougie coworkers swooned over) and I chose the Chrysler because I wanted to impress my co-workers. I’ve regretted that decision since I’ve driven off the lot, because I should have picked the other car, not only to try something new but because it’s still a nice car regardless of name. And it would have been my choice to get it. I know it sounds like a stupid thing to complain about or take issue with, but the problem is that I feel like I’m not doing things for me but for others. And I don’t like it.

I don’t want to be anyone other than who I am. And if I do change I want it to be because I am growing up, not because I am conforming or changing to who other people expect me to become.

I’ve always maintained that I didn’t care what other people thought of me (for the most part), but now I feel like I am constantly on display and being judged by everyone around me and I just need to do whatever I can to measure up to them.

I don’t like it, at all.

Choices

I’ve recently come to the conclusion that the reason why it’s affected me so much wasn’t the act itself, but the fact that my choice was taken away.

I know you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Well of course, I could have told you that from the beginning.” but no. You couldn’t have. Because you weren’t there. And you didn’t know the whole story.

It took another physical, not sexual, encounter for me to realize that indeed I wasn’t hurt by him sexually (well I was, but I wasn’t). I was hurt by the fact that things progressed too far too fast and I wasn’t in control of anything. It was all about him and his needs and not once did he realize that I was terrified. Not once did he ask if I was okay. Not once.

Yes, I made the choice to go back to his room, but he made the choice to not listen to me when I spoke.

I was afraid to admit that before the incident I enjoyed our foreplay because maybe that would mean that I wanted it, I didn’t. Let me be very clear, I did not. He was a great kisser and he was hot, and we had fun, but everything that happened after, I did not want. I’ve come to terms with being okay with the first incident, maybe, not really.

But, the sex. No. I did not want. I wasn’t ready and he knew that. He took advantage of me and he took the choice away from me.

He raped me of my choice.

California in April

I wanted revenge.

I wanted to prove that I am stronger now.

I wanted you to know that I am no longer that naive person that you took advantage of.

I wanted to stand up to you and tell you that you were wrong for what you did and you knew what you were doing, but you did it anyway.

I wanted to show you that I’m not a victim, but a survivor.

But, most importantly I wanted to prove all this to myself by standing up to you.

That’s why I wanted to go back on the second wave of the project. For me, to prove that I am stronger than you.

A Series of Unfortunate Realizations

It was never about me. It was about my body. It could have been anyone & I don’t think it would have mattered to them at all. Especially not to my rapist. Yes. That’s what I’m calling him because that’s what he is. He took advantage of me, I am completely clear about that now. 

I’ve gone over the events of the nights several times and I am sure now. Even though I wasn’t strong enough to, or better yet mentally prepared enough to push him off, I still said that I wasn’t ready and NO. Did I mention that? Also, I said stop, I can’t, and don’t. Just in case no wasn’t clear enough. 

But, like I said it was never about me. I didn’t mean anything to them, because if I did he would have texted me. He would have said something, but he didn’t, because he doesn’t care. I don’t think he ever did. And that’s makes matters worse. 

Because that means that my emotions, or feelings or anything for that matter, none of them mattered to him. He was just trying to score and basically did. 

Looking back, I think one of the reasons I asked him to put on a condom and go in the back way, was because I was afraid that he was going to go all the way in the front way and he wasn’t wearing any protection. I didn’t want to have sex, and more importantly I didn’t want an accidental baby. So I did the only thing I could think of, I distracted him with something else that he wanted more. Savvy right? 

It absolutely positively sucks that I even had to think of that, but didn’t know what else to do. He was going further and further in and I got scared. 

There’s no way any of these nights were consented to. 

At least I’m sure about that now. I think today’s the first day that I’m actually sure about it and not just say it. 

First stage, Denial ✔️ 

Second stage, Anger ✔️ (still in it though) 

Third stage, Bargaining ✔️

Fourth stage, Depression 

Fifth stage, Acceptance (working on it) 

I don’t know if it counts as regular stages if grief, but I’m hitting the highlights. I’ve definitely at least experienced the first three. Although, I’m hoping to skip over four. 

I’ve already cut myself again as a result of this. It has been two years ago or more since my last incident. But, I guess he gets to take that away from me too. 

Anyway, I think I’m still as angry at you as I am at myself and I know I shouldn’t be. But, at least now I’m blaming you. You get 100% of the blame and 80% of my anger, for now. I’m keeping that 20% because it’s all still new. 

I just want to wake up and have this all just be a dream, but since that can’t happen and I can’t turn back time. I’ll take 20%, for now. 

But, I’m making progress. It’s been a month and I’m still trying to figure out everything out, but at least now I know what happened and somewhat of why. 

I know it wasn’t my fault.

Alexandria