It was never about me. It was about my body. It could have been anyone & I don’t think it would have mattered to them at all. Especially not to my rapist. Yes. That’s what I’m calling him because that’s what he is. He took advantage of me, I am completely clear about that now.
I’ve gone over the events of the nights several times and I am sure now. Even though I wasn’t strong enough to, or better yet mentally prepared enough to push him off, I still said that I wasn’t ready and NO. Did I mention that? Also, I said stop, I can’t, and don’t. Just in case no wasn’t clear enough.
But, like I said it was never about me. I didn’t mean anything to them, because if I did he would have texted me. He would have said something, but he didn’t, because he doesn’t care. I don’t think he ever did. And that’s makes matters worse.
Because that means that my emotions, or feelings or anything for that matter, none of them mattered to him. He was just trying to score and basically did.
Looking back, I think one of the reasons I asked him to put on a condom and go in the back way, was because I was afraid that he was going to go all the way in the front way and he wasn’t wearing any protection. I didn’t want to have sex, and more importantly I didn’t want an accidental baby. So I did the only thing I could think of, I distracted him with something else that he wanted more. Savvy right?
It absolutely positively sucks that I even had to think of that, but didn’t know what else to do. He was going further and further in and I got scared.
There’s no way any of these nights were consented to.
At least I’m sure about that now. I think today’s the first day that I’m actually sure about it and not just say it.
First stage, Denial ✔️
Second stage, Anger ✔️ (still in it though)
Third stage, Bargaining ✔️
Fourth stage, Depression
Fifth stage, Acceptance (working on it)
I don’t know if it counts as regular stages if grief, but I’m hitting the highlights. I’ve definitely at least experienced the first three. Although, I’m hoping to skip over four.
I’ve already cut myself again as a result of this. It has been two years ago or more since my last incident. But, I guess he gets to take that away from me too.
Anyway, I think I’m still as angry at you as I am at myself and I know I shouldn’t be. But, at least now I’m blaming you. You get 100% of the blame and 80% of my anger, for now. I’m keeping that 20% because it’s all still new.
I just want to wake up and have this all just be a dream, but since that can’t happen and I can’t turn back time. I’ll take 20%, for now.
But, I’m making progress. It’s been a month and I’m still trying to figure out everything out, but at least now I know what happened and somewhat of why.
I know it wasn’t my fault.