So, I had another appointment yesterday. It did not end well.
For those of you who have ever been in therapy (my third time), have you ever tried to ace/win a session? You know, you walk in with bullet points ready, you have everything laid out and how you want to say it. You begin by painting the perfect picture, of how even though you’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions these past two weeks, you’re fine now and getting past it. You let the therapist know that although something has come up recently you have a fairly good grasp on the whole situation. Only, it’s all a lie and you don’t realize that until time is up.
Situation: My rapist, that’s his name now, texted me out of the blue on Sunday:
“The last virgin in Georgia… whats good”
Like what in the literally FUCK? Who the fuck does that? Who does he think he is? Why is he texting me now? He has had my number for two months? Why now? What could else could he possibly want from me? Anyway, I waited about 5 minutes and decided not to return to old habits of my obsessing over the text and I remember, I still wanted to take back some of my control. So I decided to delete it. Within five minutes of me receiving the message, it was gone. Just as simple as that, right? Wrong. Two hours later he responded:
“You wondering who it is yet? Your favorite person from work”
NO, just no. You don’t get to do that, you don’t get to say that. No, you’re not. I responded about an hour later, “Not ringing any bells?”
“Really? I’m crushed”
And then he fucking calls me. Of course, I am not going to answer. I didn’t. I texted back and lied and said I was at dinner and couldn’t talk. He told me to, “holler at him later”. I didn’t respond and I didn’t holler. He texted me the next day and I tried to keep my responses as short as possible, so he would stop texted me. He didn’t get the message and the last text he send was Tuesday night,
How have you been?
I felt as if I was also going through an internal conflict, If I continue to respond to him, does that mean he didn’t rape me? Or that he did and I am okay with it? Am I condoning it? Therefore, not rape? AND If I don’t respond what is he going to think about me? Will he be like, this bitch, who does she think she is? BUT it was the thought of me having to tell him that he raped me that terrified me the most, because clearly didn’t know he had.
And that’s what ruined my session. That’s what made me lose my winning streak. It wasn’t even the fact that he texted me, I thought I could care less. But, I asked my therapist what do I do if he texts back? She basically said I can’t tell you what to do, but go with your gut.
So I lost it, and started to spiral. I thought of all the different scenarios that could have transpired and it was the idea of me having to tell him what he did. That’s what I couldn’t get a grasp on. That’s what made me spiral even more and take me back to square one where I was asking myself, why didn’t I push harder? Why didn’t I just leave? Why wasn’t I stronger?, etc.
Our time ran out, and I know for sure I ran over, but I just didn’t want to leave. It was at that moment that I felt like everything I worked so hard for to put past me, all the progress I made, it was all lost.
It shouldn’t be my job to tell him that HE raped ME. However, the fact that he is just so oblivious makes me question everything.
But, I said I didn’t want to have sex, I said I wasn’t ready, I said I can’t. And I am sure as hell I said stop. But, for him to not even acknowledge that sex happened and I am no longer a virgin, pisses me off.
He took something and he doesn’t even know he took it, or he doesn’t think he did because it didn’t last long or it was mainly anal. Regardless, he took it away from me and he doesn’t even care. Or know. Or care.
Anyway, after my losing session with my therapist, I went to the car and broke down in tears. I had already purchased tickets to see Wonder Woman (amazing movie, btw) but I didn’t want to be alone from the end of my appointment at 5pm and the beginning of the movie at 7:30pm, so I called a friend and asked to go to dinner.
I unwillingly explained that I was leaving a therapy session and didn’t want to be alone. Even though she was working out, she cut it short and met me at Chili’s. I ordered a margarita to calm my nerves, obviously I forgot alcohol was a depressant, or didn’t and just didn’t care. But, by the time she got there I was already crying again. She asked if I wanted to stay and what should she do. I just didn’t want to be in my own thoughts, so I asked her to describe her day for me. Anything to distract me. Eventually, I stopped. I didn’t eat much, but the food I ordered was good.
Back to the topic at hand however, she didn’t ask me what was wrong. She just asked if I was okay at the beginning. I didn’t know if I would have been willing to tell her in such a public setting, but at the very least I think I would have at least liked to have been asked.
Which brings us back to not only the topic and title at hand, but something my therapist said that I’ve always wanted.
“I wish your friends cared about you the way that you care about them.”
In one of my close group of friends, two of them are in professional schools and the third one is working. So, I always feel bad coming to them with problems because they have problems of their own. They have the stresses of law school and a Master’s program, and a job that doesn’t treat you like the invaluable asset you are.
Not only that, it’s never the right time to let them know. Everyone is never free at the same time and when they are, someone else has already posed a problem to the group and I don’t want to steal their spotlight. Plus, it’s awkward when having group calls to bring the mood down. Finally, I don’t know if this is something to be shared just in FB messenger or in video call, or even in person. I know there will never be a right time, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still hope for one though right.
In the other friend group, there is only two of them and they are more open with what’s going on, which should make it easier for me, but it doesn’t. Because one is getting married and dealing with that and the joys and stresses of that and the other one is just now going through a rough patch with her boyfriend so we have to focus our energy on her.
Granted with both group of friends it’s not even just a timing issue. It’s the fact that I don’t know how they are going to react and I’m scared.
But, back to her statement. I have always felt that way. I always feel as if I am a better friend to my friends than they are to me. That was a dilemma that I faced in college and it almost broke me. I have always been the one that people come to for advice, or just to have someone listen. I am always asking if people are okay, and letting them know that I am there for them, etc. But, no one really does that for me and it sucks.
Even though, I am not sure I will tell them, I guess I just like to be asked, you know. And you never know, maybe I will. Maybe I have always wanted to, but no one has ever asked, at least not without being prompted, and I hate that. Because some days, I am not okay, but I have to be…