You will always be my 2am text.
You will always be my drunk text, my tipsy, text, my ‘I’ve only had one drink’, but I want to talk text.
You will always be the person who knew me at my lowest and who I want to see me at my best.
You will always be my best friend, my confidant, my rock when I don’t need it & when I don’t deserve.
You will always be the person who hurt me the most and helped me the most.
You will always be my someone, even if you don’t want to be and even if you don’t know it.
& I will always need you.
How I do I tell my friends that I am not the person they think I am? How do I let them know that they strong, confident, courageous, out going person they see me as is somewhat different from the person that I am behind closed doors.
How do you even approach a topic like this. Oh, by the way there’s something that I need to tell you. You in fact don’t know everything about me, here are the crazy parts that I have been conveniently leaving out for the past 5 years.
Look, I am not saying that I haven’t shared some things with them, but when you have been hurt the way I have in the way that I have you find it very difficult to open back up to people. i.e. when your best friend basically states that your friendship wasn’t what you thought it was and that they were tired of you, and that you need to in fact seek help for your problems, you tend to become more closed off with your emotions.
I used to be transparent when it came to talking about things, at least with him and now I am as clear as mud in the middle of a torrential downpour. Why should I be forthcoming with my feelings if I am not sure of how people are going to take them?
But, I guess that’s life right? And trust and all that jazz. I guess what I am getting at, is it too late to let people into your world of crazy? At what point has that door closed for good?
And if it is still open….
How do you even take that first step inside?
What happened between us?
Was I too intense for you?
How come you never opened up to me like I opened up to you?
Did you ever truly know how much pain I was in?
Do you think of me?
Can we ever go back to a normal relationship?
Did we ever have a normal relationship?
Do you think of me?
Do you know that I think of you? (Not constantly, but enough.)
Did I hurt you?
Are we still friends?
Were we ever friends?
Did you know you were my best friend?
Did you know that you were the person who hurt me the most?
Because of the relationship we had and how much I trusted in you and how much you turned around to hurt me and didn’t think twice, I can’t trust anyone anymore. You hurt me, you really did. I loved you and you took that for granted. I trusted you and you took that for granted. I let you into my crazy messed up world and you took that for granted. Now, I won’t let anyone in for fear of them getting sick of me like you did. I am sorry that I was too much for you. I am sorry that I feel things too deeply. I am sorry that I sometimes got emotional over little things. I am sorry that I am crazy. I am sorry that I didn’t know when to stop. I am sorry that I lost you. I am sorry that this hurts so much. I hate that this hurts so much. I hate that I can’t talk to you. I hate that even if I do talk to you it’s never going to be the same. I hate myself for causing this situation to happen. I hate you for letting this situation happen. I hate myself for losing you. I want my friend back. I want my best friend back. I want the person who knows all of my secrets back. I want you back.
But, I know I can’t have that. None of it.
I hate that. I hate myself. & I hate you.