Birthdays & Reflections

Yesterday was my birthday. I am now officially 27 years of age.

Alright , enough with the formalities. This calendar past year has been without a doubt one of the greatest years I have had ever. My past birthday year started off with a rocky start since my family was in a car accident about a week before my birthday and my mom broke her back and my sister torn her Achilles tendon and developed a blood clot shortly after. But since then, my other sister got married. My brother has a fiance and a daughter. And I received my first training role. Oh and I’ve been to seven countries. And I have about $2300 left of personal credit card debt.

Like I said, this past year was amazing. It has been a whirlwind of emotions and a series of ups and down, mainly up and I am so lucky, well blessed to have been afforded all of the opportunities that I have over the past year.

With that being said, about a month ago after losing my last position, I slowly entered into a depression. I guess that’s what it’s called when the things that usually bring you joy, no longer do. I would say that I was in my funk for about three weeks with the last week being the most difficult. I finally truly snapped out of it on Saturday when I took a trip to visit my friend in Michigan.

But, before then I wasn’t happy and I honestly wasn’t see a way out of it. I was miserable and I didn’t know why. And then I got mad at myself for being so miserable because I have so many things that other people do not.

I figured that I was being ungrateful or that I was being selfish because things weren’t going my way. But, the truth is/was I was physically or mentally, whatever the case may be, unable to be “happy”. I wasn’t able to snap out of it like I usually did. Even my aunt noticed that there was something wrong with me. That was the first time EVER that I couldn’t mask how I was feeling enough to make it through even the simplest of interactions.

I started this post a week ago. My birthday was November 6th. In that past week, I started to feel significantly better. Things were/are starting to look up and I started to feel like myself again. Slowly, but surely. But then Wednesday hit and something stopped. I stopped getting better. I stopped seeing the good. I stopped being patient with myself, I stopped talking to my friends. I just stopped.

I think it’s all related to job stress. I am waiting to hear back from a position that I really want and the wait is what’s killing me, because I feel like I have to wait even longer because they are on the west coast and are up three hours after me. There also the stress that I was supposed to have worked two days this week with a family I babysit for but the dad canceled on me. That wouldn’t have been that big of an issue, but I turned down ANOTHER family because of this family and he cancels. Finally, I think it just all came crashing down on me because this week I had to borrow from my savings again. Not just my regular savings, but the savings that you hide away and forget is there savings. It’s been two months since my last paycheck and I am getting worried. Again.

I thought my life would be different by now. I thought that I would in a relationship, have a great career, own my own home. You know the normal things that people aspire to have in their late twenties. And don’t get me wrong on the outside looking in, I seem to have it all. I get to travel, for free, I only work half of the year, I have little to no debt, I’m healthy. What more could person ask for, right?

Genuine happiness on a daily basis for starters. 

Are you okay?

It’s a scary thought to know that there isn’t anyone checking for you.

A couple of days ago, I think it was Thursday, I finally asked my friends, a lot of them, if they would be interested in a weekend away at Lake Lanier which is only about  hours away from my hours. I told them I was just gauging interest to see what kind of house I should get. I don’t know why, but people responses really pissed me off.

  1. I don’t know if I will have enough money, I already have two weddings and Thanksgiving
  2. I will just be getting back from my honeymoon.
  3. I will have already been out the weekend before so I don’t think I can do two weekends of not earning money.

Okay, now on the surface, these are reasonable responses, right? I shouldn’t be upset? HOWEVER! Let me break it down for you.

  1. I don’t know if I will have enough money, I already have two weddings and Thanksgiving
    1. I am sorry, but that is a BS response. Especially coming from a girl who isn’t responsible with her money. She claims to never have money to do anything, but she is always going out. For example, I say let’s go to dinner or something and she’s like “Oh, I can’t I have no moneys” But the, she goes to dinner with a another of her friends within the same week. Like, seriously? Do you think we are stupid. Not only that, she constantly going on trips and eating out, granted it’s all with her boyfriend, but you are telling me that your aren’t paying for any of it? Also, if you have no money how about you be more responsible and get a better job? And why did you get a brand new card with high payments, when you still have student loans, and no proper job?
    2. Basically, I see it as I am not worth your money. I am giving you four months in advance, you can start saving now. But, you don’t care enough. Sorry I am not getting married, because if I was then I guess it would have been worth your money? We have been friends for how long? And when was the last time I had a party and invited you? This is a big milestone for me and you can’t be bothered to be there? REALLY?
  2. Months ago we decided to take that weekend off to enjoy the new place and married life. I will ask him if he is actually okay with us going that weekend because I know it wanted to cool it.
    1. Okay, now let’s be real. I get this I truly do. However, I am just asking for one weekend of your married life. Just one. It’s my birthday. You already took the weekend of my actual birthday away from my by having your wedding that weekend. So, I had no choice, but to do it this weekend. Also, keep in mind, I didn’t invite your husband.. just you. BUT also keep in mind. You expect me to come to your engagement party, your bridal shower, your bachelorette party, and your wedding, NO QUESTIONS asked, but you can’t do this one thing for me? Granted she said she would come, but not spend the night. I guess I should just be happy with that. But, I can’t be.
  3. I will have already been out the weekend before so I don’t think I can do two weekends of not earning money.
    1. Okay, going out two weekends in a row is nothing. I haven’t spent a weekend at home since mid June. So that’s a stupid excuse. Money, I get that you’re in school you need to work, but you also have time to save.
    2. I think the main issue that I have with her is that we and two of our other friends were supposed to be going up to Nashville the second weekend of August, but she just pulled the plug. She said something came up that she can’t missed. She didn’t say what it was… but whatever it was had to have been  more important than us. So I was already mad at that.

To be honest, I think that main reason that I am mad at all these people isn’t the fact that they don’t have the money or what have you, it’s the fact that they have an excuse. I feel as if I am not worth your time or your effort.

I would do anything and everything for my friends. 

But, I don’t know if they would do the same. In fact, I am sure of it that they wouldn’t do the same.

Look, I know what you’re thinking. Wow, this girl really is selfish, she can’t expect people to drop everything for her. And yes, that may be the case, but I have been selfless for so long. I have always been there for everyone, taken care of everyone, gone to everything for everyone. And the one time I ask for something in return, they can’t even do that?

Not only that, no one has even bothered to check to see if I was okay. I haven’t been on FB messenger since Thursday, in fact I deleted the app. So, I haven’t spoken with a core group of my friends since then. But, has any one of them picked up the phone to text or call? NO, they haven’t. 

It’s a sad feeling to know that you will forever be a better friend to someone than they would be to you

It’s the equivalent as someone loving a person more in the relationship.

You can only give so much before you’ve given it all and your tired. 

That’s where I am right now. I am tired. I am tired of always checking in on people, but no one checking in on me. I am tired of being strong for everyone and no one being strong for me. Honestly, I am tired of listening to the same selfish conversations.

I just need a break. To reevaluate, to see what I want. To decide if I let them know or if I continue on as if nothing happened. But, also I need a break to cool down. Because if I talk to anyone right now, I might just loose it.

 

 

So many thoughts…and not enough words.

This tends to happen to me a lot. I get OVERWHELMED with the thoughts that are in my head and I feel the need to write them down, but I physically can’t.

This is also why I haven’t finished my book. I know how I want certain scenes to playout I know who the characters are and I know what’s going to happed to them, but I can’t bring myself to writing it all down because it’s to much. My hands literally cannot type as fast as I can think.

This is always why I have this nasty habit of jumping from one thing to another because that’s how the thoughts are arranged in my head. I find myself skipping words when I type because my brain can’t process what my head want to do.

Back to the initial point at hand, I didn’t want this post to be about my book. I want it to be about the new year, I wanted it to be about how I was going to change certain aspects of my life while retaining others. It was going to be about my resolutions and how I plan on keeping them this time. This post was also supposed to be written days ago. Here’s a shocker, I’m rarely on time for things.

I also tend to get distracted easily. In the 5 minutes since I have begun this post I have been distracted about 7 times. I keep stopping and starting, and wondering what I am going to type next.

This post wasn’t even supposed to be this long. This was supposed to be two maybe three paragraphs of how I was supposed to write, how I didn’t, why I couldn’t, and what is causing my emotional break today. I haven’t even gotten to that. I haven’t even had the chance to tell you that today is my father’s birthday. And that my mother, I know you’re not supposed to start a sentence with and, gave him a birthday cards with words printed on it that came from a loving wife, and proceeded to write in her own words which read, and I’m not not quoting.

I wish this was how we are. This is how we used to be, and this is how I felt. But, not anymore. I am lonely and unhappy and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I told you this expecting you to change and you haven’t.

Happy Birthday right?

Alex.