Moving On

“I’ve got to move on and be who I am.”

There was point in my life three weeks ago where I was losing control of my life and I had no idea how I was going to get it back. Or even if I was going to get it back at all.

I was in South Carolina for work and the trip itself started off on the wrong foot. The drive up was horrible. It was about a 5 hour trip (an hour was which was me stuck in rush hour traffic because I left late) of me trying to stop myself from crying. Sometimes I succeeded and sometimes I did not. When I got to my hotel it was the same exact set up as the room where the incident occurred. (Granted, that didn’t become a known problem until later.)

Long story semi shorten, after arriving in South Carolina and feeling like shit, I tried to cheer myself up by doing things I would normally do on a project — find the best place to eat and go there. I arrived on Friday, so I went out on Saturday and it was no help, so I tried again on Sunday and still I was still unsuccessful in trying to get back who I was. Because the person I was becoming was scary. All while this was happening, I deleted Facebook and Messenger and just shut everyone out. Mainly because I couldn’t tell them what was happening, but I also couldn’t pretend that it wasn’t happening. And simply put, I didn’t know what was happening with me.

I felt as if I was in a fog. Like I was trapped in this overwhelming sadness that grabbed hold of me and wouldn’t let go. I was depressed and I was scared and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t stop thinking about that night; everything and I mean EVERYTHING reminded me of it and I just kept reliving it over and over again. And I couldn’t reach out to anyone because I didn’t know how to describe how I was feeling and I didn’t feel as if they would understand.

I guess I should also let it be known that before I left for South Carolina I had asked a group of my friends if they would be interested in renting a house for a weekend at a lake to celebrate my birthday (see previous post). So my emotional state was already shattered before going.

Anyway, I had a call with my friends and they let me know that they were worried about me and that they would be there to listen no matter what and that I should never feel like I am burdening them or that they don’t have time for be. The call was helpful and a friend offered for me to come visit, so I bought a ticket to Houston shortly thereafter the conversation. But, when I called her a few days later and let her know that I was coming right when the project was over (drive home Friday evening, fly out Saturday morning) I was also in another fog, I was eating at a restaurant and didn’t want to leave. I was sitting at the bar just not caring about my surrounding and also on the verge of tears. It took me so long to bring myself to actually leaving.

When I called her, I let her know that I wasn’t feeling like myself and that I didn’t know how the upcoming weekend with her in Texas was going to be like. I did say that I wanted to talk about it when I got there, but we never did. I never brought it up and she never asked. The main reason I didn’t bring it up was because I didn’t want to bring the mood down. I was happy and enjoying myself and I didn’t want that to stop.

I got back home last Wednesday and I haven’t had a bad day since. Maybe it’s because I am home, or maybe it’s because I am done with feeling that feeling. I never want to go back there. Yes, there are still times were I think about what happened and get flashbacks, but I don’t let it overwhelm me anymore. Well, at least for now I am stopping it from doing so.

My friends were concerned about how much I was travelling and how I was keeping myself busy and distracted from it, and they were concerned for my well being when I didn’t have anything to distract me. Well for the next two weeks I have no travel plans, so we shall see. I am home and I am back with the Huxtables (the family I care for) and I am happy. I am starting to revise my Personal Statement and writing a Diversity statement and my recommender are on board. Also, I have to do some online training before I leave for Camp in a few weeks. So, I am keeping busy, but at least I’ll be at home.

I feel like it’s time for me to move on and stop dwelling in the past. I know I can’t pretend like it never happened, I get that. But, I also just don’t want to talk about it anymore. Because, now I am fine and I don’t want to be not fine again.

Alex.

I Bring This On Myself

I have come into the habit of talking back to my parents and it’s not something that I have ever thought I would do. Why? For fear of getting a whooping. But, look. I am 24 years old living at home with my parents and being treated like a child.

Perhaps it’s because for the past 24 years I have acting liked a child, but now I am tired of it. I am tired of living at home, under someone else’s rules. It’s 2017, it’s time for me to move on and move out. I don’t want to leave my mom, but I also don’t want to stay here with my dad either.

We don’t have the best relationship and I am tired of pretending like we do. I have hoped for so long that it will change and I have tried to change myself to help the situation, but there are just too many things that he has done in the past and is still continuing to do today that are bothering the heck out of me.

Granted, the arguments that we get into now, I bring on myself. I ‘ve caused everything that has happened to me.

So now, I am trying to cause this. I want to cause myself to get a job and move out. I want my own place, my own life, my own responsibilities.

So this week. I am putting every possible effort into finding a job, a good paying job. Any job really. And hopefully something will come out of it. If not, hopefully by next week I will know whether or not I have gotten into my Masters program. I just hate that I don’t know the next step of my life right now.

But as we learned at church yesterday, God has a plan for me and he already knows what’s around the river bend. I just have to continue trusting in him. He’s known my life since conception and he has a plan for me.

Alex.

So many thoughts…and not enough words.

This tends to happen to me a lot. I get OVERWHELMED with the thoughts that are in my head and I feel the need to write them down, but I physically can’t.

This is also why I haven’t finished my book. I know how I want certain scenes to playout I know who the characters are and I know what’s going to happed to them, but I can’t bring myself to writing it all down because it’s to much. My hands literally cannot type as fast as I can think.

This is always why I have this nasty habit of jumping from one thing to another because that’s how the thoughts are arranged in my head. I find myself skipping words when I type because my brain can’t process what my head want to do.

Back to the initial point at hand, I didn’t want this post to be about my book. I want it to be about the new year, I wanted it to be about how I was going to change certain aspects of my life while retaining others. It was going to be about my resolutions and how I plan on keeping them this time. This post was also supposed to be written days ago. Here’s a shocker, I’m rarely on time for things.

I also tend to get distracted easily. In the 5 minutes since I have begun this post I have been distracted about 7 times. I keep stopping and starting, and wondering what I am going to type next.

This post wasn’t even supposed to be this long. This was supposed to be two maybe three paragraphs of how I was supposed to write, how I didn’t, why I couldn’t, and what is causing my emotional break today. I haven’t even gotten to that. I haven’t even had the chance to tell you that today is my father’s birthday. And that my mother, I know you’re not supposed to start a sentence with and, gave him a birthday cards with words printed on it that came from a loving wife, and proceeded to write in her own words which read, and I’m not not quoting.

I wish this was how we are. This is how we used to be, and this is how I felt. But, not anymore. I am lonely and unhappy and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I told you this expecting you to change and you haven’t.

Happy Birthday right?

Alex.

I Made It

So today I hung out with a couple of old high school friends. Two different groups, but he was in both. Earlier for lunch I caught up with two of my guy friends, one of whom I saw last time when he was in town for Thanksgiving, and the other one I haven’t seen since August. He,

Him… the other one. The one I haven’t seen since August. I can write a book on our relationship and trust me the saga isn’t pretty.  It’s like a drama, but at times a tragedy, that could be a comedy if we let it.

And the second group was still him, but a friend a her boyfriend and another guy that I haven’t seen since summer since he’s living in New York now.

But regardless, I made it though. I made it the four and a half hours we spent at Chick-fil-a sitting side by side. I made it through him coming to my house, even if it was just to drop off his car so we can carpool with my girl friend. And I most certainly made it through the Brewery and dinner. We all had a great time.

I spent the whole day with him and it wasn’t awkward. We talked. I didn’t feel insecure, I didn’t feel less than. I could joke like I would normally do. There were a few times where I felt myself slipping back into old memories (not the good ones either), but I quickly got myself out of it.

All in all today was a good day. In fact, today was a great day. I got to see my friends and hangout like we used to. There wasn’t a pressure for me to be perfect. I felt confident and maybe it was because I knew the guys weren’t interested in me because we have been friends for so long, but I looked good and I felt good. Which is all that matters… right?

I would love to write more, but I am not going to lie. I am super tired and my head really hurts. So I am going to call in a night. If you would like to know more about my Saga with Him just let me know, I’ll fill you in. Maybe I’ll start from the beginning.. Who knows.

Goodbye & Goodnight

Alex. ❤

Advice

When it comes to giving advice, I am pretty darn good at it. When it comes to taking my own advice or taking advice from someone else, it’s as if I have lost all common sense.

I am taking the GRE again for the second time next week. The first time I took it was in October of 2015. I had six weeks to study and I used my time fairly wisely. I did the practice questions, practice exams, I learned some new words. ( I don’t remember what any of them are now, but I know I learned new ones for the test.) I even signed up for a online study guide course. I took it seriously, well as seriously as I could, why, because it’s important, and also because I was scared.

I didn’t want to door poorly, I mean these are subject matters that you learn in high school, I should know it right? Plus, my graduate career depends on this test that has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with what I want to study and my future career goals.

Small rant: The GRE is a complete waste of time, it’s something that you 1. Shouldn’t have to take at all, or 2. Should take right after high school considering it lasts for five years and it’s everything you learned in like the 10th grade. I hate it with a passion. In fact, I hate all standardized test, because I don’t test well and it’s not really showing what you know, but what you can memorize and how well you can take a test.

Going through this process has made me feel inadequate. I feel as if I am not smart enough to get accepted. Which is partly why it has taken me so long to apply. My fear of rejection has quadrupled since I started preparing for this graduate school application. Questions flood my mind on a daily basis. “What if you don’t do well on the GRE?” “What if your GPA isn’t high enough?” “What if they don’t like your Goals Statement?” “What if you simply just don’t get in?” “What then?” “What will you do?”

Now, see if this was anyone else coming to me saying all of these things, I would just reinforce how smart they actually are. I would let them know that you graduated from a Top 20 school, you can do anything. I would tell them that as hard as it is right now, once you get in you will know that it was all worth it. I would also let them know something that one of my friends in middle school told me, “Keep saying it’s not easy and it will keep getting harder.” And then I will throw some clichés in there like, “Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game” and “You got this, I believe in you.” Blah Blah Blah.

See, these are the things I already know about myself. These are the things that I would expect someone to say to me. But, still these are the things that are of no value when you don’t feel as if you are capable of succeeding in a world where most people are destined to fail. I don’t know. Maybe I am just overreacting, maybe I am going to take this week to study my butt off and do better than I did the first time, because now I want it more. And maybe when I submit my application I will receive an acceptance letter no questions asked.

Or maybe not.

Alex.

Here I Am

Someone once told me that I should write down all my feelings in order to get through them. That same person also told me that he couldn’t be the person that I wanted him to be. But, hey. That’s neither here nor there. I will save that story for another day.

I used to keep a diary a child, I mean what middle school girl didn’t. It wasn’t a regular diary though, you know one with a lock and key, no it was a five subject spiral notebook, college ruled, with pockets, and I filled every single page up front a back.

It was my baby, it was my everything, because it literally had ever single thought that crossed my mind in middle school and early high school in it.

It helped me to get through some tough times and it helped me to relive that great times. I wrote in pen because everything that happened to me was permanent. No take backs, no do overs.

I miss that journal, diary, whatever. Every few years I will take it out from under my bed and read about just how messed up I used to be. Not saying that I am completely fine now, although I would like to think I have gotten better. Contrary to my own beliefs.

Back then, a lot was going on with me, family drama, friend drama, cancer, cutting, weight issues, you name it. Typical teenage girl angst living in America. So writing was my outlet, it was my way of telling my imaginary audience, who sometimes I couldn’t even pay to listen, that no matter how bad it got I wasn’t giving up but instead looking for help.

I looked for help in so many places and with so many people. And I would like to tell you that movie story ending where all I had to do was look within and the help was with me all along, but truth is, that hasn’t happened. At least, not yet. I’m still holding out hope though.

So, I decided to start writing a blog again for three reasons. 1. I missed it, I missed having the time to just write how I feel and talk to myself without the judgement of others. 2. I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed with a few things that are happening in my life right now and I wanted to find a good way to relieve that stress. 3. I am hoping that this blog becomes famous and I get a book deal out of this. (Obviously the most important one)

Just so you know, the things I write are completely my own. This is my life and I don’t expect it to be perfect and neither should you. I would love to hear your feedback and constructive criticism. But, do keep in mind. I am human, so my feelings do get hurt from time to time. But, I am also stronger than you think.

Wow, I forgot how good it was to actually journal. I missed it so much. Hopefully, I’ll keep it up. And hopefully you’ll keep reading.

Goodbye & Goodnight,

Alexandria