I’m constantly feeling lonely and occasionally unwanted. Which is partly why I clung (it’s a strong word, but I’m going to use it anyway) to the guys who finally gave me the time of day. I liked the attention, I never had it before and it felt nice to feel like I was somebody. But, at the same time, because it was all so new to me I questioned every aspect of it. Like, why me? What do they see in me now, that hundreds of guys beforehand didn’t see? Or, if they did see, why didn’t I notice and or why didn’t they tell me?
I’m 24 and I’ve never had a boyfriend. At times, I’m like whatever I don’t care, I’m waiting for Mr. Right. But, then at times I feel like there has to be something wrong with me. I must not being doing something right. Or I’m simply not pretty enough, or small enough, or short enough, or whatever the case may be.
Thus, in the same breath that I used to question why not me?, I’m now starting to ask why me? I’ve been shut down and pushed aside for so long, I’m starting to question my worth. I know I shouldn’t be looking for outward validation, but when you’ve been telling yourself you’re beautiful and you’re perfect just the way you are and nothing has come from it, you begin to wonder if you’ve been lying to yourself this whole time just to get you to sleep at night.
Now, I’m not going to lie and they you that I have no self confidence, in fact before the incident happened I was actually gaining in confidence. I was working out, I was happy, I was loving who I saw in the mirror. I was damn sexy and I knew it.
Granted, it’s been a long time coming. Growing up, I had little self confidence, I was fat, I didn’t care for my hair, at times. I didn’t think I was pretty and I was also subconscious of how I smelled (I sweat a lot.) Plus, I was/am tall, so being big and towering over people is no fun. But, that was the old me. It took me a long time to build myself up and in three nights (four really) it’s gone.
I’ve been questioning constantly what people think of me. Do they talk about me, do they think I’m slut? Does he think I’m a liar? Does he know what happened? (even if he did, it wouldn’t be the whole truth.)
So many things are going through my head all the time now, more so than normal. And it all has to do with how others are perceiving me. They don’t know the real me and I hate it. They just know the weaker, uncertain, version of me. And it’s all because I clearly don’t know how to act around guys who like me. If they do like me. To be honest, I think they just wanted to have sex with me.
& that’s not what I want.
I want a relationship, I want a partner, I want someone to talk to. I don’t want a one night stand. And I definitely didn’t want what transpired to have happened, at the very least not like that. Not with someone I barely knew, in a city that’s not mine, in a hotel room, by force.
I want more. I deserve more.