Take a Chance on Me

Every so often I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I wonder why I’m still single, I wonder why I haven’t completely dropped all the weight I’ve been working so hard to lose, I wonder if I’m on the right track, I wonder if I’m doing the right thing, I just wonder about so many things.

I have been trying to read my Bible more and pray more, it’s gotten a lot better, it I wonder if I’m doing enough.

I have this compulsive need to fix everything and I don’t always know how or if I do, I don’t have the money.

There was a job that I was really interested in and 100% could have done, but they don’t think I have enough experience. The unfortunate part is I know that I would have done a fantastic job. And if they would have just given me a chance to learn, perfect my craft, and show them what I can do i know they wouldn’t have been disappointed.

I hate that no one can see how great I truly am.

Better yet, I have that no one is willing to see how great I truly am.

I don’t want to be alone forever. I don’t want to have to be constantly finding a job that pays more. I want something that will cover my expenses and my parents expenses easily.

I’m fortunate to have so much and I don’t take it for granted. Not one bit.

Changes

I feel like I am being changed by the people in my environment and I don’t know if I like it. I don’t know if it’s a positive change. I just know that it’s not me.

For example, I just recently bought a straight wig, one because I have always wanted it and two the opportunity presented itself when I was in the wig shop with my co-worker. Don’t get me wrong, the hair looks amazing, and I look amazing and I feel good wearing it (sometimes). But, the reactions that I received from it just made me feel like my natural hair and my natural self isn’t enough. I love my hair in an afro, and yeah at times I could style it a bit more but I love big, curly, and unruly hair. But now I feel like I should wear my hair differently because others like it better. Because it makes me better?

Example #2. We get car rentals for this project and usually I don’t care what car I get as long as it’s a car, right? However, my co-workers are bougie people and they feel that they need to have the best of the best wherever they go. So currently two of them are driving Range Rovers, mainly because they’ve been renting cars longer than me and they have the upgrade privileges, but also because they’re bougie. However one of my other coworkers is driving a regular car and I feel like I should have just listened to her when she said to get whatever car I wanted. When the time came for me to pick up my car yesterday they asked if I wanted a Nissan Maxima or if I wanted a Chrysler 300 (which was the first car I had, that my bougie coworkers swooned over) and I chose the Chrysler because I wanted to impress my co-workers. I’ve regretted that decision since I’ve driven off the lot, because I should have picked the other car, not only to try something new but because it’s still a nice car regardless of name. And it would have been my choice to get it. I know it sounds like a stupid thing to complain about or take issue with, but the problem is that I feel like I’m not doing things for me but for others. And I don’t like it.

I don’t want to be anyone other than who I am. And if I do change I want it to be because I am growing up, not because I am conforming or changing to who other people expect me to become.

I’ve always maintained that I didn’t care what other people thought of me (for the most part), but now I feel like I am constantly on display and being judged by everyone around me and I just need to do whatever I can to measure up to them.

I don’t like it, at all.

California in April

I wanted revenge.

I wanted to prove that I am stronger now.

I wanted you to know that I am no longer that naive person that you took advantage of.

I wanted to stand up to you and tell you that you were wrong for what you did and you knew what you were doing, but you did it anyway.

I wanted to show you that I’m not a victim, but a survivor.

But, most importantly I wanted to prove all this to myself by standing up to you.

That’s why I wanted to go back on the second wave of the project. For me, to prove that I am stronger than you.

Self Confidence & Strength 

I’m constantly feeling lonely and occasionally unwanted. Which is partly why I clung (it’s a strong word, but I’m going to use it anyway) to the guys who finally gave me the time of day. I liked the attention, I never had it before and it felt nice to feel like I was somebody. But, at the same time, because it was all so new to me I questioned every aspect of it. Like, why me? What do they see in me now, that hundreds of guys beforehand didn’t see? Or, if they did see, why didn’t I notice and or why didn’t they tell me? 

I’m 24 and I’ve never had a boyfriend. At times, I’m like whatever I don’t care, I’m waiting for Mr. Right. But, then at times I feel like there has to be something wrong with me. I must not being doing something right. Or I’m simply not pretty enough, or small enough, or short enough, or whatever the case may be. 

Thus, in the same breath that I used to question why not me?, I’m now starting to ask why me? I’ve been shut down and pushed aside for so long, I’m starting to question my worth. I know I shouldn’t be looking for outward validation, but when you’ve been telling yourself you’re beautiful and you’re perfect just the way you are and nothing has come from it, you begin to wonder if you’ve been lying to yourself this whole time just to get you to sleep at night. 

Now, I’m not going to lie and they you that I have no self confidence, in fact before the incident happened I was actually gaining in confidence. I was working out, I was happy, I was loving who I saw in the mirror. I was damn sexy and I knew it. 

Granted, it’s been a long time coming. Growing up, I had little self confidence, I was fat, I didn’t care for my hair, at times. I didn’t think I was pretty and I was also subconscious of how I smelled (I sweat a lot.) Plus, I was/am tall, so being big and towering over people is no fun. But, that was the old me. It took me a long time to build myself up and in three nights (four really) it’s gone. 

I’ve been questioning constantly what people think of me. Do they talk about me, do they think I’m slut? Does he think I’m a liar? Does he know what happened? (even if he did, it wouldn’t be the whole truth.) 

So many things are going through my head all the time now, more so than normal. And it all has to do with how others are perceiving me. They don’t know the real me and I hate it. They just know the weaker, uncertain, version of me. And it’s all because I clearly don’t know how to act around guys who like me. If they do like me. To be honest, I think they just wanted to have sex with me.

& that’s not what I want. 

I want a relationship, I want a partner, I want someone to talk to. I don’t want a one night stand. And I definitely didn’t want what transpired to have happened, at the very least not like that. Not with someone I barely knew, in a city that’s not mine, in a hotel room, by force. 

I want more. I deserve more. 

Alexandria