Every so often I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I wonder why I’m still single, I wonder why I haven’t completely dropped all the weight I’ve been working so hard to lose, I wonder if I’m on the right track, I wonder if I’m doing the right thing, I just wonder about so many things.
I have been trying to read my Bible more and pray more, it’s gotten a lot better, it I wonder if I’m doing enough.
I have this compulsive need to fix everything and I don’t always know how or if I do, I don’t have the money.
There was a job that I was really interested in and 100% could have done, but they don’t think I have enough experience. The unfortunate part is I know that I would have done a fantastic job. And if they would have just given me a chance to learn, perfect my craft, and show them what I can do i know they wouldn’t have been disappointed.
I hate that no one can see how great I truly am.
Better yet, I have that no one is willing to see how great I truly am.
I don’t want to be alone forever. I don’t want to have to be constantly finding a job that pays more. I want something that will cover my expenses and my parents expenses easily.
I’m fortunate to have so much and I don’t take it for granted. Not one bit.
I’ve recently come to the conclusion that the reason why it’s affected me so much wasn’t the act itself, but the fact that my choice was taken away.
I know you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Well of course, I could have told you that from the beginning.” but no. You couldn’t have. Because you weren’t there. And you didn’t know the whole story.
It took another physical, not sexual, encounter for me to realize that indeed I wasn’t hurt by him sexually (well I was, but I wasn’t). I was hurt by the fact that things progressed too far too fast and I wasn’t in control of anything. It was all about him and his needs and not once did he realize that I was terrified. Not once did he ask if I was okay. Not once.
Yes, I made the choice to go back to his room, but he made the choice to not listen to me when I spoke.
I was afraid to admit that before the incident I enjoyed our foreplay because maybe that would mean that I wanted it, I didn’t. Let me be very clear, I did not. He was a great kisser and he was hot, and we had fun, but everything that happened after, I did not want. I’ve come to terms with being okay with the first incident, maybe, not really.
But, the sex. No. I did not want. I wasn’t ready and he knew that. He took advantage of me and he took the choice away from me.
He raped me of my choice.
The problem I have with dating apps is… trifold? If that word is even allowed to be used in this instance.
- I feel like I am forcing fate.
- I don’t understand why guys swipe right on me.
- I don’t feel like I am good enough.
Now now, I know what you’re thinking. Gosh, she’s really hard on herself. But here’s the truth. I’ve never been the smallest girl in the room. Granted, I haven’t been the biggest either. But, I feel like that’s a huge factor for some guys. I’ve always been athletic, so I guess I have that going for me. But, until recently I haven’t actually stuck to maintaining a healthy lifestyle. This time I’m actually serious about losing the weight because I know I can do it and I want to see how good I can look. But, I digress this isn’t a fat post. Well, not entirely.
Back to number one. Forcing fate and all that. I am a believer of “meet cutes” you know where you meet someone in like a coffee shop or restaurant or store and it’s like a great story to tell the kids in the future. You can’t have a “meet cute” online. What will I tell my kids, “Yeah sweetie, I swiped right on your father. And we’ve been together ever since.” How romantic? On that same note however, I don’t know why I’m thinking of forever with people I haven’t even met. But every time I am about to swipe right, I have to ask myself, “do I see myself with this person in the future?” (keep in mind that I have no way of knowing if they’ve swiped on me first before I swipe them.) Maybe I am taking it too seriously.
Numero dos. I am pretty hard on myself. But after hearing what my own friends do on the app (they just swipe tight on every girl, because it’s a numbers game and the girls have to initiate the conversation first so if they end up not liking her they don’t respond.) I wonder if the people who swiped right for me, I wonder if they’re genuine. To be honest, I know there is a reason for everyone to pick anyone, I want to know what my catch is. How do I lure people in?
And finally, because I’m falling asleep. (Correction, fell asleep, woke up and now I’m finishing this.) I know that the thought of me not being good enough is just another way I continue to bring myself down, but it’s still there. I see all these guys doing great things and then there’s me. After they meet me, will they think I’m still as amazing as they once imagined or will they be disappointed?
But hey, none of this even matters if they don’t respond, right?