Take a Chance on Me

Every so often I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I wonder why I’m still single, I wonder why I haven’t completely dropped all the weight I’ve been working so hard to lose, I wonder if I’m on the right track, I wonder if I’m doing the right thing, I just wonder about so many things.

I have been trying to read my Bible more and pray more, it’s gotten a lot better, it I wonder if I’m doing enough.

I have this compulsive need to fix everything and I don’t always know how or if I do, I don’t have the money.

There was a job that I was really interested in and 100% could have done, but they don’t think I have enough experience. The unfortunate part is I know that I would have done a fantastic job. And if they would have just given me a chance to learn, perfect my craft, and show them what I can do i know they wouldn’t have been disappointed.

I hate that no one can see how great I truly am.

Better yet, I have that no one is willing to see how great I truly am.

I don’t want to be alone forever. I don’t want to have to be constantly finding a job that pays more. I want something that will cover my expenses and my parents expenses easily.

I’m fortunate to have so much and I don’t take it for granted. Not one bit.

California in April

I wanted revenge.

I wanted to prove that I am stronger now.

I wanted you to know that I am no longer that naive person that you took advantage of.

I wanted to stand up to you and tell you that you were wrong for what you did and you knew what you were doing, but you did it anyway.

I wanted to show you that I’m not a victim, but a survivor.

But, most importantly I wanted to prove all this to myself by standing up to you.

That’s why I wanted to go back on the second wave of the project. For me, to prove that I am stronger than you.

Always

You will always be my 2am text.

You will always be my drunk text, my tipsy, text, my ‘I’ve only had one drink’, but I want to talk text.

You will always be the person who knew me at my lowest and who I want to see me at my best.

You will always be my best friend, my confidant, my rock when I don’t need it & when I don’t deserve.

You will always be the person who hurt me the most and helped me the most.

You will always be my someone, even if you don’t want to be and even if you don’t know it.

& I will always need you.

Alex.

I Bring This On Myself

I have come into the habit of talking back to my parents and it’s not something that I have ever thought I would do. Why? For fear of getting a whooping. But, look. I am 24 years old living at home with my parents and being treated like a child.

Perhaps it’s because for the past 24 years I have acting liked a child, but now I am tired of it. I am tired of living at home, under someone else’s rules. It’s 2017, it’s time for me to move on and move out. I don’t want to leave my mom, but I also don’t want to stay here with my dad either.

We don’t have the best relationship and I am tired of pretending like we do. I have hoped for so long that it will change and I have tried to change myself to help the situation, but there are just too many things that he has done in the past and is still continuing to do today that are bothering the heck out of me.

Granted, the arguments that we get into now, I bring on myself. I ‘ve caused everything that has happened to me.

So now, I am trying to cause this. I want to cause myself to get a job and move out. I want my own place, my own life, my own responsibilities.

So this week. I am putting every possible effort into finding a job, a good paying job. Any job really. And hopefully something will come out of it. If not, hopefully by next week I will know whether or not I have gotten into my Masters program. I just hate that I don’t know the next step of my life right now.

But as we learned at church yesterday, God has a plan for me and he already knows what’s around the river bend. I just have to continue trusting in him. He’s known my life since conception and he has a plan for me.

Alex.

So many thoughts…and not enough words.

This tends to happen to me a lot. I get OVERWHELMED with the thoughts that are in my head and I feel the need to write them down, but I physically can’t.

This is also why I haven’t finished my book. I know how I want certain scenes to playout I know who the characters are and I know what’s going to happed to them, but I can’t bring myself to writing it all down because it’s to much. My hands literally cannot type as fast as I can think.

This is always why I have this nasty habit of jumping from one thing to another because that’s how the thoughts are arranged in my head. I find myself skipping words when I type because my brain can’t process what my head want to do.

Back to the initial point at hand, I didn’t want this post to be about my book. I want it to be about the new year, I wanted it to be about how I was going to change certain aspects of my life while retaining others. It was going to be about my resolutions and how I plan on keeping them this time. This post was also supposed to be written days ago. Here’s a shocker, I’m rarely on time for things.

I also tend to get distracted easily. In the 5 minutes since I have begun this post I have been distracted about 7 times. I keep stopping and starting, and wondering what I am going to type next.

This post wasn’t even supposed to be this long. This was supposed to be two maybe three paragraphs of how I was supposed to write, how I didn’t, why I couldn’t, and what is causing my emotional break today. I haven’t even gotten to that. I haven’t even had the chance to tell you that today is my father’s birthday. And that my mother, I know you’re not supposed to start a sentence with and, gave him a birthday cards with words printed on it that came from a loving wife, and proceeded to write in her own words which read, and I’m not not quoting.

I wish this was how we are. This is how we used to be, and this is how I felt. But, not anymore. I am lonely and unhappy and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I told you this expecting you to change and you haven’t.

Happy Birthday right?

Alex.

I Made It

So today I hung out with a couple of old high school friends. Two different groups, but he was in both. Earlier for lunch I caught up with two of my guy friends, one of whom I saw last time when he was in town for Thanksgiving, and the other one I haven’t seen since August. He,

Him… the other one. The one I haven’t seen since August. I can write a book on our relationship and trust me the saga isn’t pretty.  It’s like a drama, but at times a tragedy, that could be a comedy if we let it.

And the second group was still him, but a friend a her boyfriend and another guy that I haven’t seen since summer since he’s living in New York now.

But regardless, I made it though. I made it the four and a half hours we spent at Chick-fil-a sitting side by side. I made it through him coming to my house, even if it was just to drop off his car so we can carpool with my girl friend. And I most certainly made it through the Brewery and dinner. We all had a great time.

I spent the whole day with him and it wasn’t awkward. We talked. I didn’t feel insecure, I didn’t feel less than. I could joke like I would normally do. There were a few times where I felt myself slipping back into old memories (not the good ones either), but I quickly got myself out of it.

All in all today was a good day. In fact, today was a great day. I got to see my friends and hangout like we used to. There wasn’t a pressure for me to be perfect. I felt confident and maybe it was because I knew the guys weren’t interested in me because we have been friends for so long, but I looked good and I felt good. Which is all that matters… right?

I would love to write more, but I am not going to lie. I am super tired and my head really hurts. So I am going to call in a night. If you would like to know more about my Saga with Him just let me know, I’ll fill you in. Maybe I’ll start from the beginning.. Who knows.

Goodbye & Goodnight

Alex. ❤

Here I Am

Someone once told me that I should write down all my feelings in order to get through them. That same person also told me that he couldn’t be the person that I wanted him to be. But, hey. That’s neither here nor there. I will save that story for another day.

I used to keep a diary a child, I mean what middle school girl didn’t. It wasn’t a regular diary though, you know one with a lock and key, no it was a five subject spiral notebook, college ruled, with pockets, and I filled every single page up front a back.

It was my baby, it was my everything, because it literally had ever single thought that crossed my mind in middle school and early high school in it.

It helped me to get through some tough times and it helped me to relive that great times. I wrote in pen because everything that happened to me was permanent. No take backs, no do overs.

I miss that journal, diary, whatever. Every few years I will take it out from under my bed and read about just how messed up I used to be. Not saying that I am completely fine now, although I would like to think I have gotten better. Contrary to my own beliefs.

Back then, a lot was going on with me, family drama, friend drama, cancer, cutting, weight issues, you name it. Typical teenage girl angst living in America. So writing was my outlet, it was my way of telling my imaginary audience, who sometimes I couldn’t even pay to listen, that no matter how bad it got I wasn’t giving up but instead looking for help.

I looked for help in so many places and with so many people. And I would like to tell you that movie story ending where all I had to do was look within and the help was with me all along, but truth is, that hasn’t happened. At least, not yet. I’m still holding out hope though.

So, I decided to start writing a blog again for three reasons. 1. I missed it, I missed having the time to just write how I feel and talk to myself without the judgement of others. 2. I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed with a few things that are happening in my life right now and I wanted to find a good way to relieve that stress. 3. I am hoping that this blog becomes famous and I get a book deal out of this. (Obviously the most important one)

Just so you know, the things I write are completely my own. This is my life and I don’t expect it to be perfect and neither should you. I would love to hear your feedback and constructive criticism. But, do keep in mind. I am human, so my feelings do get hurt from time to time. But, I am also stronger than you think.

Wow, I forgot how good it was to actually journal. I missed it so much. Hopefully, I’ll keep it up. And hopefully you’ll keep reading.

Goodbye & Goodnight,

Alexandria