Take a Chance on Me

Every so often I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I wonder why I’m still single, I wonder why I haven’t completely dropped all the weight I’ve been working so hard to lose, I wonder if I’m on the right track, I wonder if I’m doing the right thing, I just wonder about so many things.

I have been trying to read my Bible more and pray more, it’s gotten a lot better, it I wonder if I’m doing enough.

I have this compulsive need to fix everything and I don’t always know how or if I do, I don’t have the money.

There was a job that I was really interested in and 100% could have done, but they don’t think I have enough experience. The unfortunate part is I know that I would have done a fantastic job. And if they would have just given me a chance to learn, perfect my craft, and show them what I can do i know they wouldn’t have been disappointed.

I hate that no one can see how great I truly am.

Better yet, I have that no one is willing to see how great I truly am.

I don’t want to be alone forever. I don’t want to have to be constantly finding a job that pays more. I want something that will cover my expenses and my parents expenses easily.

I’m fortunate to have so much and I don’t take it for granted. Not one bit.

I’m a Villain

Do you ever feel like you’re the villain in your own story? Not just metaphorically, but actually.

Today, I realized that I’m a complete asshole. I’m a bitch. I’m a terrible person and an even worse daughter.

Today, I made my father cry. It was subtle, but it was there.

I didn’t realize that what I was saying actually affected him until he came to me and said so.

What’s wrong with me?

How can one person be so cruel? I thought I was jokingly speaking to him, but apparently not.

Here’s the story:

He asked what happened to the Rumchata that was on the counter? And I said, ‘well you drank it all. It’s gone. What do you mean?’ I said it with the same attitude I’ve had towards him for most of my life (which I know is a problem). He said he didn’t drink it all and I just kept saying he did, like he drank the Fireball and all the other drinks I bought. And I walked away and left him standing there.

For context, we’ve had this or a similar exchange before. But this one was different.

He came to my workstation with tears in his eyes and said something along the lines of, ‘Even if I did drink it, it was only a small small sip. I can’t have that?’ then he walked away.

Of course, I immediately got up and went to him and gave him a hug, which to be honest I don’t remember the last time I did that. Granted, we’re not a hugging family like that. But still, I hugged him and apologized and told him I loved him and he told me a story of his childhood.

I honestly hate that I am this way. I feel like I know the underlying reasons for it, but it still sucks that I can’t bring myself to change. We’re not getting any younger and time is just constant flying by and I am wasting it by being the way I am.

I am a terrible person and daughter. I know that. I’ve known that. But, I haven’t acknowledged really. Maybe now in doing so, I can learn to change.

Alex.

Is it an Anniversary or Not?

Is it weird that I’ve come to think about today as sort of an anniversary?

Tonight will mark two years, two years since I lost a part of me. Two years since that part of me was taken away to a point where I know for a fact I can’t get it back. I have been thinking about this date for a while now. Trying to figure out how I was going to react to it, considering the fact that I’m currently in California again right now.

No, I am not in San Diego again. But yes, I am on a project. So, I think that’s what makes it different. That’s what makes me wonder how I am going to be this year. I am currently in San Francisco, so Northern California. At first, I was nervous because I thought that he was going to be here as well and since this is a longer contract I didn’t know what I could have done to avoid him for so long. But, Thank God, he’s not here. I found that out early on.

But there is a guy here that I can’t tell how I feel when I am around him, I can’t tell if I feel uncomfortable or not. But, I’ll go into that a little later.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand, if you can call it that. I have been patiently awaiting this day for some time now. A couple of weeks ago, well closer to a month really, I self harmed again. This time is was more aggressive but less destructive? If that makes sense. I didn’t use my normal means, but I did leave marks this time, which I normally don’t do. And I also felt as if I couldn’t necessarily control myself? I just got so angry with everything, but also just angry for no reason. I was also just overwhelmed with everything being put on me. And I felt like I had a lot more random bouts of crying and I just felt so alone. I thought about reaching out to my friends and asking them to at the very least talk to me, but it was hard to make that step, because they’re so busy. And I know that they said and constantly say that no matter what they would drop what they were doing, so to speak, for me but, I can’t seem to wrap my head around that.

So, instead I get stuck in my head, and stuck in my thoughts, and essentially stuck on a loop that never seems to be ending of how I am,

  1. Not worth their time &
  2. I don’t know how to explain why I am feeling the way I am feeling. So,
  3. What’s the point of bringing it up anyway?

I think for me that’s been the scariest part of these two years. There are times where I am so overwhelmed and consumed by emotions that it literally terrifies me. Even writing this, I am afraid of how I am going to feel afterwards because I don’t know if this will be cathartic or destructive.

It doesn’t help that my friends are in a time zone 2 or 3 hours ahead. And that’s why I felt so stuck last time. I had no one to talk to. I was alone and the people that could’ve helped were asleep. It sucked.

For now however, I am going to start the day like a regular day. I want it to be regular day. I don’t want to be consumed y this anymore. I just want to enjoy my Friday while I look forward to the weekend.

I am not defined by this. I know that. Not just because I have been told that, but also because I am so much more! I just need some time to make sure that solidifies in my head.

Alex.

A Trip

I took a trip to to New York to visit some friends. I took a trip to get out of the constant feeling of always being needed to do something. I took this trip because I needed a break.

I don’t know if it’s helped.

I’ve been here two nights and each one consisted of nightmares. Well, technically not, but they were weird and bad dreams.

Two nights ago, my first night, I don’t really remember what I was dreaming about, but I know I didn’t like it. I also kept waking up every other hour which was frustrating.

Then last night, I had the type of dream where I woke up within the dream and started to become hysterical. I was hyperventilating and I started to cry. The more I cried the worst it got. My friend woke up as a result and tried to comfort me, but that just made it even worse. It got to the point where I couldn’t stop and was in a full blown panic attack and I finally woke myself up in real life, but in a similar panic of heavy breathing. My heart was racing and I felt like it was going to start all over again. But, I was able to calm down after about 20 minutes.

I’ve never had a panic attack, so I’m not entirely sure what it’s supposed to feel like. But that sure as hell felt like one and it was terrifying even if it was just a dream. It just felt so real and it came out of nowhere which I think is what made it worse.

Aside from the fact that I haven’t been sleeping well, my trip so far has been good. I’m halfway through and I feel relaxed and I’m even starting to hear back from jobs that I applied to. Positive things.

I hope the rest of the trip goes well and I hope the bad dreams stop.

Leaving Well Enough Alone

It’s something I can’t do. It’s something that just don’t think I’ve ever been able to do it.

You know as a child when they tell you not to pick your scabs. I’m the kid who literally  CANNOT help it. The literal definition of a scan is to help you heal:

So, by me picking at it and ultimately peeling it off, I’m essentially slowing down the healing process. This is my life. This has always been my life. And this is what I feel like I am doing right now.

For the past two weeks, I have been happy. Other than the craziness of traveling back and forth between this project and home because of a wedding and almost getting sick as a result of it.. But that’s neither here nor there. 

The point is. For the last two weekends I’ve been in working in New Jersey, but hanging out in New York City on the weekends. I’ve been enjoying life, spending time with my family and friends, eating all the food and drinking when I can. But slowly and surely, I’ve been picking at the scab that has been forming from my last breakdown last month.

However, when I’m triggered or when something comes up, there are times when I am able to just suppress it (ie. not pick the scab). But then there are times when I can’t/don’t want to suppress it and I need to feel all the emotions as much as possible (ie. pick the scab until it bleeds.) As a result, I start to spiral and parts of me hates it, but then other parts of me are oddly satisfied. 

Is it just me? Or does everyone go through something similar? 

Wild Wild Thoughts 

I feel like if it happens again, this time I will be able to control the outcome.

Does that make me an terrible person?

I want to be put in a similar situation again, so I can prove to myself that I CAN and will control the outcome this time.

Now, does that make me a terrible person?

I’m afraid that every interaction I have with a guy is going to end up the same way.

Am I doing something to lead them on?

Sometimes, I want it to happen again.

I am not leading them on.

If I can prove to myself that I am strong enough to make the right decisions and stand my ground, then maybe I won’t have these thoughts anymore.

But, as I write that, the first thought that comes to mind is that I shouldn’t have to fight you off to get you to stop.

I shouldn’t have to, but I did, and I lost.

How will I know next time will be different?

I know not all guys are the same, but it’s hard to separate what he did, from what all men are capable of doing.

I don’t know for certain if next time will be different, but I know I will be different.

Alex.

Me Too 

It’s not fair. 

When I see other women and they are so put together & they say that they are survivors of sexual assault as well. I don’t think it’s fair that they are okay & I’m not. I know that it will take some time. But, when will I get to stand tall & proud I say that I survived too? Because as of  right now, I don’t see myself being able to to do that…ever.

When will I be able to say that it no longer affects me? 5 years from now? 2 years? 1 month? 2 more  weeks? The fact that I will never know when I’ll be myself again is what bothers me most. I know I have to take it one day at a time, but these days are getting harder and harder. 

I’m so tired. But, not only that I feel so guilty. I feel as if I’m complaining too much. I feel like I should just get over it because it wasn’t that bad. I feel as if I should be happy, because I’ve lived a blessed life. I’ve had some trials here and there, but overall it’s been good. So I feel like I shouldn’t complain. I feel like I have no right to do so.

And that’s what makes some days harder than others. I am in this enormous amount of pain, but I don’t feel like can express that. There are days where I am overwhelmed by sadness, but I feel like I’m not allowed to be, or at the very least l don’t think I can be.  But then there are days when I’m completely fine. 

I just want to go home. I just want to be happy again. I just want to go back & stop it from happening, so l don’t have to feel this way anymore.

I regret everything…

Thoughts: Real & Imaginary Intrusive Ones 

So I know you’re probably tired of hearing about what happened to me, almost as much as I am tired of talking about it. However, there are times when I need to talk about it, in order to get through it. This is one of those times. 

Early this week, I was having a few of my bad days. I was in a funk or a fog, and I just couldn’t shake it. I reached out to one friend and she helped for a bit, but then stopped. I reached out to another friend, same situation. But, then I reached out to the friend who was my outcry witness, because she’s been the only one to actually talk me through whatever I’ve been feeling. She’s been able to rationale my emotions. However, I’ve been hesitant to reach out to her all this time for a few reasons:

  1. She’s in law school. 
  2. Her mom is going through a lot and is having surgery soon.
  3. Her family already puts a lot of pressure on her to help them out. They rely on her.
  4. She doesn’t take enough time for herself. 
  5. I did not want to add to her current stress and have to worry about me.

So with all of that floating around in my head, I haven’t reached out to her until recently. Until, I knew that I couldn’t do it on my own anymore.  But, like I knew she would, she helped she gave me real responses, reassuring sentiments, and I felt her care.

So on to the thoughts. There are two kinds that have been invading my mind. The first set consists of the events that transpired because of you know who. It’s as if my mind is forcing me to relive it constantly any time I am even slightly triggered. Granted, there are times when I can stop it, like if I’m at work or busy. But, then there are times when they don’t go away and I have to relive it over and over and over again…

What’s even worse is when my mind decides that what happened to me wasn’t enough. So, it creates a what if category:

  • What if he finished and I got pregnant and I had to have his kid? 
  • What if he had something and now I’ve contracted it to?
  • What if he hit me instead of that one time choke hold?
  • What if I had just left and gone back to my room and back to sleep?
  • What if I was strong enough to stop him from taking off my clothes?

I feel like I tried so hard to make him stop. I did, I know I did. But, he was so strong and so determined. Even still, why do I feel like such a failure? Why do I still feel like I caused this to happen? Why can’t I just put 100% of the blame on him? What’s wrong with me? How can someone have sympathy for their rapist?

I just want these thoughts to go away. All of them. But, I know they won’t because I can’t pretend like it never happened, because it did happen. So now I have to find a way to live with the consequences? Results? Outcome? Aftermath.

It’s just getting harder and harder and there’s less to distract yourself with.

Alex. 

Tired of Pretending 

I’m so tired of pretending that I’m okay when I’m not. I’m so tired of doing so much for other people, but having noone doing anything for me in return. It’s hard when you give so much of your strength to others & not have any of it given back to you. Maybe I’m being selfish? Or maybe I’m just complaining, but whatever the case may be. I’m tired. And I want to be okay.