I’m Not Alone, But I Am

I know that I am not the only person in the world who has gone through a traumatic experience. I get that. I truly do. But, I am the only me who has gone through one. When people say that they are there for you, I believe them I know that they are, but it’s not the same.

I have tried reaching out to support groups or people who have gone through something similar, but that’s also not the same.

What people fail to realize or simply what they fail to tell you is that, no matter how often someone says they will be there for you, it’s not the same as you being capable of being there for yourself.

If that makes sense.

Until, I can wrap my head around the fact that some days will just suck and I have to move forward regardless, it’s going to be hard for me to fully accept support from others.

This past weekend was the closest I have come to in a while when it came to self harming. For the most part, I have been able to distract myself or just not have triggers for a while now. I have just been that busy, which is good. However, this past weekend I felt as if something was wholly off and I wasn’t able to feel like myself.

Long story short, I made it through the weekend without a slip up and I am really proud of myself mainly because as much as I reached out to strangers it was truly to strength from within that kept me safe.

I tend to think the most about my incident when I am in my room on the weekends because for the most part I stay in my hotel bed all day. I also tend to think about what happened when I am at the gym because there was a point in time where I kept running into him. I also tend to think about him whenever I meet someone new that even remotely resembles him. I tend to think about it whenever I hear the words sex, or rape, or backdoor, or virginity, etc. Or even whenever I am out for drinks with friends I tend to think about it. I also think about it at work whenever I am going to the bathroom because I feel as if I am going to be attacked in the stall. I think about him/it whenever I am walking down the staircase. I think about him/it when I am listening to my audio-books or when I am watching TV.

Moral of the story: I think about that night a lot. More than I would like to admit. More than I can admit, because it hurts too much.

What they fail to tell you is that there is never NOT going to be a time when I don’t think about it. And even now when I do I still get that pang in my stomach of just hurt and realization that this truly happened and I wasn’t able to stop it.

See here’s the thing. I know that my friends will always listen to me if I have an issue or a problem, especially when it comes to this, but the problem is they haven’t experienced it. I pray to God they never will.. But, because of that, they don’t get the leaps that my mind takes whenever I am triggered. And let’s be honest, it’s not big triggers, it could be small, but I don’t know how to let them in.

I don’t know how to tell them that even though I may seem fine and I am fine…. enough, that I can still feel not 100%.

I know that I am not alone, but it does feel that way a lot of the time.

Alex

Same Story, Different Day

Where do I even begin?

A part of me doesn’t even want to write this because what’s even the point? I write, I feel worse, then I feel better, but at the end of the day who reads it?

There are so many emotions and so many thoughts that are going through my head that I don’t know where to start, and when I finally do my fingers can’t keep up.

I guess I’ll start with highlights?:

  1. I just got back from vacation in Japan. It was absolutely amazing. There were a few hiccups getting there and I didn’t get everything I should have while I was there, but all in all, it was a great trip.
  2. I start work again in a couple of weeks. I haven’t had a paycheck since September of last year and before that it was June. I have been living off of my savings for the past few months and it’s been extremely stressful.
  3. I have gained a lot of weight so my fitness journey has been severally altered.
  4. More so before my trip, but also since I’ve been back I have been thinking about harming myself. Not because of something specific that happened, I mean yes, but not really.
  5. I have become a lot closer with my older sister.
  6. I have solidified the idea that I don’t have a best friend. I am very lonely and I don’t feel like I am being listened to.
  7. I am afraid to be constantly complaining, so I keep things to myself as much as I can. Which is also why I tend to withdraw from situations.
  8. I guess I got my wish. I am going back to California in April. Only this time, it will be San Francisco.

So, a lot has happened. A lot will continue to happen and I hate that I am going through it all alone. You don’t know how lonely you truly are until you come home from a vacation and realize you have no one to share your stories with.

The other day, I opened up to my friends about a idea that has always been floating around my head about my views/stance on sex and my incident and they ignore it completely. Not even on person acknowledge what I said. For reference, here is what I sent them. Some background, we were talking about sex and the pressure we feel to wait and if our religious upbringing was a cause. But, also the feeling of it all just being taboo. Also, I was abroad when the conversation happened so I couldn’t respond until about 2:30am their time.

I know I’m late to the conversation and it’s late where you guys are, but… I definitely agree that we’ve put so much pressure on the event itself. A few months ago I wasn’t doing to hot and I was essentially fighting with myself again about what happened. Unpopular opinion coming: I got to thinking that if I was more open to sex and essentially more willing or not waiting that what happened in CA, wouldn’t have happened. It would have just been another night. Chalk it up to the game, as they say. It sucks to think that way, but I do. I still think it’s something that’s special and it should be done with someone who at least likes you for you, and not for your body. But, I do agree that the narrative around it is semi toxic. But it’s also spared me a tragic downward spiral of sexual partners. So that’s good right? I do think that as a group we don’t talk about it enough. It’s a normal everyday activity that people think about and do. I myself have to stop shying away from the conversation when others bring it up, but it’s not taboo, y’all are right on that one.

Not one of them respond to a word I said. There are three of them. One of the girls at 10am posted a link about something irrelevant and to do with the royals. And that was that. The conversation was over. They all got to talk about and converse about the topic, but once I chimed in it was over.

This is why I have friends, but I still feel alone.

This is why I don’t open up.

This is why I feel like I am a better friend to them than they are to me.

This is why I don’t have a best friend.

This is why.

I am so tired of this. I am tired of feeling this way. And I am tired that no one is listening.

Alex.

A Trip

I took a trip to to New York to visit some friends. I took a trip to get out of the constant feeling of always being needed to do something. I took this trip because I needed a break.

I don’t know if it’s helped.

I’ve been here two nights and each one consisted of nightmares. Well, technically not, but they were weird and bad dreams.

Two nights ago, my first night, I don’t really remember what I was dreaming about, but I know I didn’t like it. I also kept waking up every other hour which was frustrating.

Then last night, I had the type of dream where I woke up within the dream and started to become hysterical. I was hyperventilating and I started to cry. The more I cried the worst it got. My friend woke up as a result and tried to comfort me, but that just made it even worse. It got to the point where I couldn’t stop and was in a full blown panic attack and I finally woke myself up in real life, but in a similar panic of heavy breathing. My heart was racing and I felt like it was going to start all over again. But, I was able to calm down after about 20 minutes.

I’ve never had a panic attack, so I’m not entirely sure what it’s supposed to feel like. But that sure as hell felt like one and it was terrifying even if it was just a dream. It just felt so real and it came out of nowhere which I think is what made it worse.

Aside from the fact that I haven’t been sleeping well, my trip so far has been good. I’m halfway through and I feel relaxed and I’m even starting to hear back from jobs that I applied to. Positive things.

I hope the rest of the trip goes well and I hope the bad dreams stop.

Always Silenced

I feel as if every time I want to open up, something happens. Something always comes comes up and I feel silenced, and I feel as if I have missed my opportunity. Then the ten seconds of bravery that I did have, I lose. And I never truly get it back until I eventually break and then what’s the point of that?

It also doesn’t help that I can never really gather my words to actually express what I want to say.

It doesn’t help that I can never really gather my mind to figure out how I feel.

I keep fighting with myself that I am not allowed to feel this way.

I keep telling myself that I shouldn’t be feeling this way.

I keep reminding myself that I don’t need to feel this way.

And I keep saying that I am making it all up.

Like, is it all in my mind? Am I actually feeling this way or do I just want attention?

But if it’s all for attention, then why don’t I share what I am feeling to get that attention?

Why don’t I call up my friends every night or every other night to let them know that I am feeling lonely or sad, or that I haven’t stopped thinking about those nights all day.

Or maybe I should tell them that every time I go to workout I think of him at least once, because remember I was training for a Tough Mudder at the time and he would come into the gym as well to work out.

Should I tell my friends that when things start to wind down on the weekends is when I have the free time to actually remember the things that happen and for the past two weekends I’ve had boughts of tears.

How do I let them know that as the time is slowly approaching and the second wave of the project is happening in April again, I desperately wanted to be on the that project for reasons I can’t even bring myself to say out loud.

You know it’s gotten to the point that the most upsetting thing isn’t the actual incident itself, but how much time has past and what’s happened in the aftermath.

How do you explain out loud the fights that you’re having in your head?

My Year in Review

A Month-to-Month Guide of How 2017 was Both the Best and Worst Year

January (January 6th):

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For months my friends and I had planned to drive to Tennessee to surprise our fourth friend in the group. She’s in law school and has absolutely no time to herself because she’s too busy taking care of everyone else. So we thought it was time to get the band back together. The four of us hadn’t been in the same room together since graduating college in 2015. We had the perfect plan and her mom was involved and everything was set. However, Mother Nature had other plans. The morning we were supposed to leave it started snowing in Tennessee. We still thought that we could make it, but our friend’s mom called and said that people were already starting to get stuck on the side of the road. We were three hours away, I still needed to change my tires, and we hadn’t left by 9am.. So we called it. We didn’t go and thus began the most disappointing year. I just didn’t know it yet.

February (February 17th):

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For my friend’s 25th birthday, she wanted to go on a cruise. So if you know me. You know I love cruises. So of course I went. That month I was still working out, I decided to be healthy and I was at a very good weight! I was happy with my body,  with my hair, with myself, with life. I really enjoyed that cruise and the people I went with and the things we did. I went ATVing for the first time through a jungle, who else can say that they did that?

March (March 8th):

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Needless to say, I was high on life. Right after the cruise, I received a contract. A much needed one, since I spent so much gambling, haha, but that’s a story for a different day. I also decided to sign up for a Tough Mudder, so I started to train for that, and luckily there was a gym right next door to the hotel I stayed at so I could work out for free! It was perfect. I was in great shape, working out everyday (almost), but still enjoying life and eating all the good food that Newport News, VA had to offer. Surprisingly, it was a lot. It was a great month honestly. I was still happy, I was on the right track and everything was going so well. I didn’t know that it was the calm before the storm. How could I have known?

April (April 8th & April 23rd; April 26th):

Before:

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At the beginning of the month I was ecstatic. I received yet another contract and this time it was in sunny San Diego, California. I’ve never been and I was super excited to go. My friend’s grandmother lives there and she goes there like 5 times a year, so I convinced her to come join me for a weekend. The first weekend, I hit up all the sights by myself, like the beaches, the Zoo, In & Out Burger, etc. The second weekend when she came, we went to Balboa Park, Olde Town, all the good brunch spots, and the Gaslamp District. It was great! It was also the day after the first incident. I think back now, maybe if I told her then, everything would have turned out differently. But, then again I did tell someone, and I didn’t take his advice.. Granted, I know I should have, but hindsight is 20/20. Regardless, the first three weeks of April were great, I was still working out, the Tough Mudder was at the end of the month, and I was still eating all the good food. I was happy, I was healthy, I was feeling myself. I was confident. All of this is also probably what contributed to my demise. But like I said,

how could I have known?

After:

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On April 26th, 2017, my life changed forever. I was in a situation that I no longer wanted to be in, but I couldn’t get out of it. Yes, I went there out of my own free will, and the night was okay for a while, but when things started happening that I wasn’t okay with, he didn’t listen. I’m not going to go into grave detail, not again, but I keep replaying that night over and over again, to this day. I am still torn, I don’t know if I did everything I could have done and I don’t know if I contributed to it in any way. But, what I do know is I told him I wasn’t ready and that I wanted him to stop, and he told me to relax and that nothing was happening. He got what he wanted because I was scared.

May (May 21st):

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Another month, another project. The month started off with me telling one of my close friends what happened. It was kind of a relief to get it off my chest and to get some things clarified, but it was the first time I said it out loud and that made what happened to me real. Which means that I could no longer pretend that it didn’t.

Dallas, Texas. I was there for three weeks and during those three weeks I ended up self harming. It was the first time in LONG time that I had done so, and I was so disappointed and angry that it came to that. But, I was just so upset that I wasn’t feeling “the way I was supposed to” (according to whose standards? I have no idea), so I thought I would take matters into my own hands. However, not all of May was bad. Parts of it was good because one of my friends got married and it was a lovely ceremony. The month ended with me getting some sort of infection on my lip, which sucked, and a family reunion, which was great!

June (June 25th):

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June started off as a really good month. It was my mom’s birthday so we got to celebrate that. We went to a Nigerian engagement party and we looked fantastic, if I do say so myself. I was doing well. But, like I said, how could I have know what was going to happen next?

The morning of Father’s day I woke up to a charge of almost $800 on my credit card. Long story short, I left my wallet in the car and the window was left down just enough that someone was able to reach in, unlock the doors, and take my cards. That broke me, that was the finally straw, that was my low, or so I thought (until months later). Anyway, as a result I finally let the rest of my close group of friends in on what I have been dealing with the last few months, because I was tired of pretending that everything was okay when it wasn’t. The month ended with a trip to Savannah, GA that had been planned for months, that I didn’t want to take anymore, but I am glad I did because I had a great time.

July (July 7th):

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More Traveling. So I think it goes without saying that this year alone I have traveled more than I have in my entire life. That was a goal of mine for the past few years and I am glad that I was able to make that happen with this year. The month of July was particularly busy.. I went to Maryland for a conference with my family, then I went to Orlando to spend the weekend with my friend and her new baby, and then I went to South Carolina for another project. While I was there my sister and her friend and I took a day trip to Charleston. Finally, I ended the month in Houston for about a week. So I was busy, to say the least.

Like all my other months, this one started off well and then started to slip. On my way to my SC project (I drove), I had a mini breakdown. I don’t know why, I don’t know what caused it. But, for three hours I was on the verge of tears. I cut myself off from social media and I tried to take care of myself on my own, mainly because I didn’t know how to explain what was happening to me. And then there were a few times where I was just immobile because of my emotions, it was scary. Eventually, I realized that I hadn’t let myself fully feel all the emotions that came with what happened to me, because there’s always been something else that I needed to do, or accomplish. Life essentially got in the way of my emotions. It was the first sign of my depression, but I didn’t know it at the time. This is also why I went to Houston, I needed to spend time with my friend and to get out of my own head.

August (August 27th):

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August was a month of new adventures for me. The family that I had been working with for the past three years was moving to California. That was definitely bittersweet for me, because at the time I didn’t know if I was still going to move with them or not. I also was a Camp Advisor (co-Camp Advisor as seen in the photo) for the first time. The Camp that I was involved with during my college years, the one that changed my life, finally gave me one week of a whole new experience. Needless to say, August was a great month. I was back to being happy and almost back to normal.

September (September 3rd):

20170903_154622[1]It only took nine months, but we finally made it. The “Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Spinsterhood” (what we call ourselves) was finally reunited Labor day weekend. It was definitely a long time coming and a really good weekend. We ate, we laughed, we took pictures, and we walked everywhere, almost. But most importantly, we were together. More great things that happened that month: I got a new phone, I was finally off from work (after my Labor Day weekend trip I was home for one month), I went to Yelp events and I continued my trend of eating good food. I think since the incident August and September were by far my greatest months. But, what have we learned? Do I even need to say it at this point? Fine, for those who weren’t paying attention. How could I have known what was going to happen next?

October (October 4th): 20171004_181541(0)[1]

There’s no point in lying or even sugar coating it. October was the worst month of 2017. Remember that depressive episode I was talking about in July? That was nothing compared to what happened this month and there was no way I could have known to what extent it would go. I was working 12 hour night shifts every day for four weeks straight. I was fine the first week or so, but then I don’t know what happened. I was crying almost everyday, I wanted to go home so bad,  and I wanted to be away from everyone. I was exhausted and tired and constantly reliving what happened. It wasn’t good. It got to the point were I was crying in the bathroom at work and one night I had the strongest urge to self harm and I was about to, but my team leads came to check up on me to see how the night was going. It was my lowest low and I was scared of what was happening to me and what I was capable of doing.

November (November 12th)

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I had about a week in between my October project and this November one and I jsut ended up sleeping most of the time. My next project was in New Jersey, day shift this time, thank God. Since it was so close to New York and I have a friend who lives there I decided that I would go and celebrate my birthday there. On my actual birthday, I went to a restaurant with my aunt, who happened to be on the same project, and the following weekend I spent time with my two friends from college.

But, of course, November was also another busy month, because I had just gotten off a project, and then I came to this one, just to fly back for a wedding for a day and then I had to fly back the next day because I had to work. So I was just exhausted. But, as the month went on, the days got easier, and my sanity slowly returned. I came home for Thanksgiving and spent time with my friends and family, so that was a nice break. I also finished applying to school so it was definitely a weight lifted off my shoulders.

December (December 10th):

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The final month. The beginning of December was not the greatest. After all the festivities of the previous holiday,  I just wanted to lie in my bed and never leave. Which is what I ended up doing. I didn’t willingly leave the house for two weeks. Simply put, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to go anywhere, or do anything, and I was constantly complaining. In fact, it got to the point where I was annoyed with myself for constantly complaining  about my weight, but not actually doing anything to fix it. I think it was the photos from my birthday is where I realized that I had gained so much weight, and when I finally stepped on the scale I found out that I had gained thirty pounds since April. That’s a lot, I was at my heaviest I had been since in like 6 years. Originally, I was supposed to be twenty pounds less than where I was in April, but I guess life had other plans. So December ended up being a rude awakening, that just because something happened to you doesn’t mean you have to let it ruin your entire life.

Lessons Learned:

  1. Always follow what you want to do, don’t let anyone else push you to do something you’re uncomfortable with.
  2. You don’t always get what you wish for, you get what you work for.
  3. Stop letting other people control your happiness. It’s okay to be selfish and do what you want to do.
  4. Step outside of your comfort zone, sometimes it might be worth it.
  5. Enjoy the life you’re given. Embrace both the challenges and successes because both make you who you are.

I know it was a long post, probably my longest one to date. But, 2017 was a year and this was a much needed recap to remind myself that I still had a pretty good year despite everything that happened. I am blessed that I have my family and that we are all healthy. I am blessed that I have my friends and that they are all healthy. I blessed that we as a collective whole, even though we all had a pretty tough year, we made it through. And most importantly I am happy that I was finally able to open up to my friends, which is something that I wanted to do for a long time, I just never had the courage to do so. Granted, there are still some days where I can let them in more, but baby steps.

I pray that 2018 will be better and I will try my best to make sure that it is.

Happy New Year in Advance!

Alex.

I’m Okay

Two words. 

Six letters. 

One contraction. 

That’s all it takes to get someone to stop worrying about you.

I can’t believe it’s that simple. I hate that it’s that simple.

I want it to be the truth. And maybe it is the truth.

But, what is it the truth? Is that all it take for me to be okay with myself?

Am I okay? How will I know? When will I know?

Alex.

Unpopular Opinions

In April of this year, as many of you already know, I was raped by a co-worker.  It took me a while to come to terms with what actually happened and that it was in no way my fault. Although, there are still some days where I have to keep reminding myself of that aspect.

Prior to the rape, I was sexually assaulted by the same individual. I told him what I was comfortable with and where my views were on sex and he completely disregarded it.

Since my assaults, I have been placed on birth control (mainly because I was already going to get on it for painful periods and slightly because of fear that it will happen again) and I have been seeing/speaking with a therapist regularly.

I have come to terms with the fact that I will forever be a victim of a sexual assault, but it doesn’t define who I am.

I have also come to terms with the fact that I did not cause my first two assaults, because I knew what I wanted and what I didn’t, but when someone is stronger than you are there really is little you can do.

However, I haven’t come to terms with the fact that I did not cause my rape. Parts of me still blames myself for even putting myself in that environment and in that situation. I have however forgiven him for what he did. But, and this is where the unpopular opinion comes in, I haven’t forgiven myself.

I know, I know, what you’re thinking, but this is my truth, for now, and I have to own it.

I was weak, I was new to the attention and the advances and I guess I cracked under it all. It’s sad that all it takes is for a guy to pay attention to you to lose a part of who you are. But, it was more than that, I know. He was aggressive from the beginning and I took that as flirting and him knowing what he wanted. I thought there was something about me that he was interested in. And there was, it just wasn’t my personality, but my private parts.

I realized too late that I was nothing but a body to him. When we flirted it was nothing more than surface stuff and he never really tried to get to know me, so that should have been a red flag from the beginning. He was just after one thing, and he basically got what he wanted.

So I forgive him for using me, I forgive him for assaulting me, and I forgive him for everything really. Because there’s nothing that I will gain by not doing so. But, I will gain peace and serenity from doing so.

Unfortunately, over the past week I realized something about myself that will get some getting used to and some fixing. I have come to realize and vocalize the fact that I am a certified people pleaser; I am constantly doing things for other people. Now listen, there is nothing wrong with that. But, when it hinders your ability to do for yourself, that’s when it becomes a problem.

I tend to put other people’s wants and needs before my own, whether they know it or not. I check in on people constantly, I make sure that, if they are going through a tough time, they are okay. I let my presence known that I am there for them and that they can reach out to me anytime. In short, I am a damn good friend. 

However, as a result of my constant need to put others first, I tend to get hurt in the process. A lot of what happened between me and the co-worker I did not want to happen, but clearly his needs overcame mine. Don’t get me wrong now, I did ask/tell him to stop several times and I said I wasn’t ready and I didn’t want anything to happen, but he didn’t listen. But, I didn’t put myself first and fight harder. I was afraid of the repercussions, afraid of what he would think, feel, say or do. To say the least I was also paralyzed in fear.

As a result, I actually want to see him again. Not to confront him, or even tell him what he did was wrong, but to prove to myself that I can stand up to him if he tries to make advances at me. I want to prove that I am strong, well, stronger now than I was before.

In reality, I just want to prove that to myself. Actually, I need to prove it to myself. But most importantly, I need to start putting myself and my needs first.

Alex.

 

Moving On

“I’ve got to move on and be who I am.”

There was point in my life three weeks ago where I was losing control of my life and I had no idea how I was going to get it back. Or even if I was going to get it back at all.

I was in South Carolina for work and the trip itself started off on the wrong foot. The drive up was horrible. It was about a 5 hour trip (an hour was which was me stuck in rush hour traffic because I left late) of me trying to stop myself from crying. Sometimes I succeeded and sometimes I did not. When I got to my hotel it was the same exact set up as the room where the incident occurred. (Granted, that didn’t become a known problem until later.)

Long story semi shorten, after arriving in South Carolina and feeling like shit, I tried to cheer myself up by doing things I would normally do on a project — find the best place to eat and go there. I arrived on Friday, so I went out on Saturday and it was no help, so I tried again on Sunday and still I was still unsuccessful in trying to get back who I was. Because the person I was becoming was scary. All while this was happening, I deleted Facebook and Messenger and just shut everyone out. Mainly because I couldn’t tell them what was happening, but I also couldn’t pretend that it wasn’t happening. And simply put, I didn’t know what was happening with me.

I felt as if I was in a fog. Like I was trapped in this overwhelming sadness that grabbed hold of me and wouldn’t let go. I was depressed and I was scared and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t stop thinking about that night; everything and I mean EVERYTHING reminded me of it and I just kept reliving it over and over again. And I couldn’t reach out to anyone because I didn’t know how to describe how I was feeling and I didn’t feel as if they would understand.

I guess I should also let it be known that before I left for South Carolina I had asked a group of my friends if they would be interested in renting a house for a weekend at a lake to celebrate my birthday (see previous post). So my emotional state was already shattered before going.

Anyway, I had a call with my friends and they let me know that they were worried about me and that they would be there to listen no matter what and that I should never feel like I am burdening them or that they don’t have time for be. The call was helpful and a friend offered for me to come visit, so I bought a ticket to Houston shortly thereafter the conversation. But, when I called her a few days later and let her know that I was coming right when the project was over (drive home Friday evening, fly out Saturday morning) I was also in another fog, I was eating at a restaurant and didn’t want to leave. I was sitting at the bar just not caring about my surrounding and also on the verge of tears. It took me so long to bring myself to actually leaving.

When I called her, I let her know that I wasn’t feeling like myself and that I didn’t know how the upcoming weekend with her in Texas was going to be like. I did say that I wanted to talk about it when I got there, but we never did. I never brought it up and she never asked. The main reason I didn’t bring it up was because I didn’t want to bring the mood down. I was happy and enjoying myself and I didn’t want that to stop.

I got back home last Wednesday and I haven’t had a bad day since. Maybe it’s because I am home, or maybe it’s because I am done with feeling that feeling. I never want to go back there. Yes, there are still times were I think about what happened and get flashbacks, but I don’t let it overwhelm me anymore. Well, at least for now I am stopping it from doing so.

My friends were concerned about how much I was travelling and how I was keeping myself busy and distracted from it, and they were concerned for my well being when I didn’t have anything to distract me. Well for the next two weeks I have no travel plans, so we shall see. I am home and I am back with the Huxtables (the family I care for) and I am happy. I am starting to revise my Personal Statement and writing a Diversity statement and my recommender are on board. Also, I have to do some online training before I leave for Camp in a few weeks. So, I am keeping busy, but at least I’ll be at home.

I feel like it’s time for me to move on and stop dwelling in the past. I know I can’t pretend like it never happened, I get that. But, I also just don’t want to talk about it anymore. Because, now I am fine and I don’t want to be not fine again.

Alex.

You Are Still Alive

 

Act like it. 


Every so often I will hear a word or a verse or someone will say something or I will watch a video like this one and things are put in to perspective.

These past two weeks have been really hard for me. I was in a really low place, but with the help of some friends who forced me to get out of my comfort zone and encourage me to let them in, I got better.

I still need to pray more and I still need to read my Bible. I still need to know that in my times of need God is still there for me and that he will never leave me and he never has. The sermon today talked about our Omnipresent and Omnipotent God and it is something I know, but at times seem to forget.

Moral of the story:

I need to realize that there will always be someone there for me and it’s okay to ask for help. God never expected us to do this (live life) on our own.

Psalm 139: 3-13

3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4 Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely. 5 You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. 7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. 13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

No matter what we do or where we go, God is always there. There are still times that I feel like what happened was my fault, but I have to stop and thank God that even though these incidents happened, it could have been worse. In the words of Hamilton, “I am the one thing in life I can control.” I had no control over the evil that was within my rapist and the Devil does work in mysterious ways. But, at least I was able to get out of the situation.

If anything, the incident has taught me that I am not alone and that I have people here to support me no matter what. And I will always have God on my side.

Alex.