Always

You will always be my 2am text.

You will always be my drunk text, my tipsy, text, my ‘I’ve only had one drink’, but I want to talk text.

You will always be the person who knew me at my lowest and who I want to see me at my best.

You will always be my best friend, my confidant, my rock when I don’t need it & when I don’t deserve.

You will always be the person who hurt me the most and helped me the most.

You will always be my someone, even if you don’t want to be and even if you don’t know it.

& I will always need you.

Alex.

Are you okay?

It’s a scary thought to know that there isn’t anyone checking for you.

A couple of days ago, I think it was Thursday, I finally asked my friends, a lot of them, if they would be interested in a weekend away at Lake Lanier which is only about  hours away from my hours. I told them I was just gauging interest to see what kind of house I should get. I don’t know why, but people responses really pissed me off.

  1. I don’t know if I will have enough money, I already have two weddings and Thanksgiving
  2. I will just be getting back from my honeymoon.
  3. I will have already been out the weekend before so I don’t think I can do two weekends of not earning money.

Okay, now on the surface, these are reasonable responses, right? I shouldn’t be upset? HOWEVER! Let me break it down for you.

  1. I don’t know if I will have enough money, I already have two weddings and Thanksgiving
    1. I am sorry, but that is a BS response. Especially coming from a girl who isn’t responsible with her money. She claims to never have money to do anything, but she is always going out. For example, I say let’s go to dinner or something and she’s like “Oh, I can’t I have no moneys” But the, she goes to dinner with a another of her friends within the same week. Like, seriously? Do you think we are stupid. Not only that, she constantly going on trips and eating out, granted it’s all with her boyfriend, but you are telling me that your aren’t paying for any of it? Also, if you have no money how about you be more responsible and get a better job? And why did you get a brand new card with high payments, when you still have student loans, and no proper job?
    2. Basically, I see it as I am not worth your money. I am giving you four months in advance, you can start saving now. But, you don’t care enough. Sorry I am not getting married, because if I was then I guess it would have been worth your money? We have been friends for how long? And when was the last time I had a party and invited you? This is a big milestone for me and you can’t be bothered to be there? REALLY?
  2. Months ago we decided to take that weekend off to enjoy the new place and married life. I will ask him if he is actually okay with us going that weekend because I know it wanted to cool it.
    1. Okay, now let’s be real. I get this I truly do. However, I am just asking for one weekend of your married life. Just one. It’s my birthday. You already took the weekend of my actual birthday away from my by having your wedding that weekend. So, I had no choice, but to do it this weekend. Also, keep in mind, I didn’t invite your husband.. just you. BUT also keep in mind. You expect me to come to your engagement party, your bridal shower, your bachelorette party, and your wedding, NO QUESTIONS asked, but you can’t do this one thing for me? Granted she said she would come, but not spend the night. I guess I should just be happy with that. But, I can’t be.
  3. I will have already been out the weekend before so I don’t think I can do two weekends of not earning money.
    1. Okay, going out two weekends in a row is nothing. I haven’t spent a weekend at home since mid June. So that’s a stupid excuse. Money, I get that you’re in school you need to work, but you also have time to save.
    2. I think the main issue that I have with her is that we and two of our other friends were supposed to be going up to Nashville the second weekend of August, but she just pulled the plug. She said something came up that she can’t missed. She didn’t say what it was… but whatever it was had to have been  more important than us. So I was already mad at that.

To be honest, I think that main reason that I am mad at all these people isn’t the fact that they don’t have the money or what have you, it’s the fact that they have an excuse. I feel as if I am not worth your time or your effort.

I would do anything and everything for my friends. 

But, I don’t know if they would do the same. In fact, I am sure of it that they wouldn’t do the same.

Look, I know what you’re thinking. Wow, this girl really is selfish, she can’t expect people to drop everything for her. And yes, that may be the case, but I have been selfless for so long. I have always been there for everyone, taken care of everyone, gone to everything for everyone. And the one time I ask for something in return, they can’t even do that?

Not only that, no one has even bothered to check to see if I was okay. I haven’t been on FB messenger since Thursday, in fact I deleted the app. So, I haven’t spoken with a core group of my friends since then. But, has any one of them picked up the phone to text or call? NO, they haven’t. 

It’s a sad feeling to know that you will forever be a better friend to someone than they would be to you

It’s the equivalent as someone loving a person more in the relationship.

You can only give so much before you’ve given it all and your tired. 

That’s where I am right now. I am tired. I am tired of always checking in on people, but no one checking in on me. I am tired of being strong for everyone and no one being strong for me. Honestly, I am tired of listening to the same selfish conversations.

I just need a break. To reevaluate, to see what I want. To decide if I let them know or if I continue on as if nothing happened. But, also I need a break to cool down. Because if I talk to anyone right now, I might just loose it.

 

 

I Was Happy

I finally figured out what has been bothering me the most since this Series of Unfortunate Events.

But, first some back story:

I have been traveling for work since October. I had a month long contract in October and nothing again until March. So, sometime in late February I decided that I wanted to do an obstacle course race called The Tough Mudder. My friend and I decided to sign up together. This was before I received the contract in March. I was afraid I wasn’t going to be able to work out. Thankfully, when I made it to my March contract they had a gym right next to the hotel and we were able to work out there for free. I tried my best to go everyday and I tried my best to eat healthy. And for the most part I did. Thus, when I went to California for my April project I was already working out about 4 times a week and eating healthy. I was looking good and doing good and proud of it. I worked out consistently for two weeks before the first incident occurred.  After that, everything went down hill. Then the last two weeks of the project, which included the last two incidences, I think I worked out maybe 3 or four times (in 14 days that’s not good when you’re training for a 10 miles 20+ obstacle course).

Okay, so back to present day-ish. A lot has occurred so some more back story:

Last Sunday, I told my friends what I have been dealing with these past two months. (I literally just looked at the calendar and it’s exactly two months to the day.(I began writing this on the 26th)) I finally let them in (see previous post). Immediately after I sent that message, one of the girls, Cree, called me crying and she was distraught that I was going through it alone. She said she had a feeling that something was going on and that she knew something happened in California, but she didn’t expect it to be this. Everyone said, that I shouldn’t be afraid to make my voice heard and also that they are here for me. These are all things I know, it’s just hard sometimes. But, I digress.

On Wednesday, I was feeling completely shitty. My friend, Jude who is in law school brought up the fact that she was sitting in on a rape case and I stupidly decided to look up the facts of the case and the victim was unconscious during the incident. And as unpopular as this opinion sounds, I considered her lucky because at least she’s not playing the details on constant replay in her mind. So, on Wednesday I asked my friend Jude (my outcry witness) if I was doing the right thing by not reporting it. I mentioned that I didn’t want to continue doing the wrong thing in a series of wrong events. We talked and basically spelled out that would actually come from it. It didn’t help that I got angry, not at her but the situation in general. I felt as if nothing actually mattered anymore and it was pointless to talk about it because it wasn’t going to change the situation. I also, told her that I have been drinking just to feel some type of emotion lately, and that I recently self-harmed. Long story short, she wanted to make sure that I am going to stop self-medicating, to which I responded yes, of course. But, I was frustrated that I realized that talking about it doesn’t help as much as I thought it would and I told her I didn’t want to talk anymore.

On Thursday, I woke up in a mood and stayed in that mood all day. I was just feeling off. I couldn’t explain it at the time, but I was essentially in a funk. Not even the upcoming trip (at the time) to Savannah was helping, in fact I wanted it cancelled and I was hoping the weather would play a part in that, it didn’t. Anyway, to try and get out of my funk, I went and got my nails done, all whilst a tornado warning was going on and funnel clouds were seen near my location. Fast forward to after work, I wanted to see if Cree was free. I wanted to be around people, but at the same time I wanted to be alone. So, when she told me she couldn’t meet up I was both saddened and relieved at the same time. She asked me later that night if I was okay and I said that I didn’t want to talk anymore. I think I worried her and hurt her feelings, but I honestly was in one of my funks and talking didn’t seem to be working. (Per Wednesday’s conversation I think I was just done and had given up.) Later that night she asked if I wanted to grab lunch on Friday. I agreed.

So, on Friday, I woke up and had to clean the house for the two people who were coming over to go to Savannah with me. I woke up crazy early and started cleaning. I then received and email for another contract. (I had an interview two days prior on Wednesday). So after I finished cleaning I had onboarding documents that I needed to fill out, which took longer than expected. So I was delayed. We were supposed to meet at 1:45pm, but because, of paperwork and traffic, I didn’t get there until 2:30pm. Stupid Atlanta traffic.

When I arrived, we were both hangry so we got food first and then ate and talked about randomness. It was nice. She asked me how I was feeling this morning as opposed to the night before and it was hard to explain into words why that day was just harder. We spoke for a while just going back and forth about why it wasn’t my fault, how it doesn’t define me, how I didn’t ’cause’ it, etc. And then it happened.

It finally hit me. Almost two months into it why I have been down on myself, why I have been having bad days, etc. Prior to the incidences I told you that I was working out and eating healthy. I was losing weight and gaining confidence. Essentially, I was happy.

I was SO happy.

I was finally on the right track to being the person I know I can be, healthy, fit, beautiful, with a job. And then just like that. Everything came crashing down. He took more than my virginity that day. He took my confidence, my trust, my hope, my motivation, my care, my will, my faith, my strength, he took me.

The second I said those words, “I was happy” tears began to flow. (the second time I have truly cried over this.) I cried because I realized that that was the case, I was happy before all of this happened and now I am not, I cried because I finally understood somewhat why I was in this funk, and I cried because honestly it just felt good. Cree was happy to see that I was letting myself show emotion over this. But, as quickly as the tears came, they went. I had to dry them up because I didn’t want to seem weak, I didn’t want to wallow. I wanted to be over what was making me feel this way. Now that I knew what was wrong, I wanted to get passed it.

Moral of the story:

I’m glad that I have started letting people in. I am glad that my friends know and I have someone to talk to on days where I just can’t deal with my thoughts anymore. I am truly blessed to have friends like that.

I am also glad that I figured out what has been bringing me down these past two months other than the actual incidents themselves. Because now that I know, I feel like I can start to move past this.

Remember, the five stages of grief I posted  a while back? I guess I finally hit the depression stage. I was hoping to skip it.

My weekend in Savannah was good, because I didn’t feel the pressure to talk about it, even though one of the girls knew about it. At first, I was waiting for her to bring it up and then I realized she wasn’t going to and that was fine by me. I was able to enjoy the weekend and I didn’t even think about him once and  I wasn’t sad once. I was happy. I was happy without feeling guilty about it at the same time (which has also been the case lately).

Now I know I can be happy again and that is just something that I need to work towards, because it is so doable. And I want to get back to where I once was.

I don’t want this to be a defining moment in my life. I want it to be just another Wednesday.

Alex.

 

 

An Open Letter to My Friends

Life is not and nor will it ever just be sunshine and roses. It won’t be just Gifs and memes and links either. It’s not always perfect, so I don’t know why we keep fooling ourselves and pretending that it is.

You guys asked who Alexandria was, well here she is:

She is broken, hurt, and confused.

I am tired of us pretending, or not pretending, (I can’t speak for everyone) that nothing is ever wrong with us or me. I feel as if we only allow ourselves to be real whenever the four of us can get together once in a blue moon for a scheduled call, at a scheduled time, on a scheduled date, and if I don’t speak up I miss my window. The problem is I never speak up, I never have, because it’s hard for my to open up and express my emotions, so much so that I have to type this on a separate site just to make sure that I get it all down and don’t accidentally hit enter.

This weekend was a wake up call for me. We’re supposed to be roots. We’re supposed to keep each other strong and thriving and vibrant and flourishing. But, how can a tree grow if it’s never watered. How can we get better if no one checks in on us? I know it’s been hard since college, four girls in four different states, with four different job/school paths, and four different set of individual problems makes it hard. I get that, I do. But, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t fight tooth and nail to ensure everyone’s okay.

And maybe I am just being selfish and I am the only one feeling this way, OR maybe I not? I wouldn’t know because we don’t/haven’t had this conversation.

I am tired of holding everything in, because in reality there is no point. Someone recently told me, “I think we need to talk through it. What else is the point of having confidential girl friends” And she was right. What is the point? Recently, I have been seeing a therapist and she told me the same thing.

So why am I bringing this up all of sudden? Last night my car was broken into. It was my fault. When I came home I forgot to roll the windows up. It wouldn’t have been a problem if I didn’t leave my wallet in the car. But, I always leave it in the car, even though I know it’s not safe. I just have forgotten it at home too many times in the past. So all morning I had to go through the process of canceling cards, calling my bank, calling the police, and calling the stores to see if they had footage of the guy. Thankfully, he was stupid enough to leave really good prints on my car, so they dusted for that. And he went to customer service at one the stores and they caught him on camera. So now I wait, I wait for new cards, I wait for them to catch him, I wait to hear back from the police, and I wait a year to unfreeze my credit, because I foolishly had my SS card in there (I needed it for a project) and I fear that they’ll open a card in my name.

Why is this such a big deal that I needed to preface it with a book first? I don’t know. I guess, I just felt overwhelmed. And I hated that people continued to tell me that it was my fault. I know I shouldn’t have left it in there, but that doesn’t give them any right to take it. People are the fucking worst. And you’re probably still asking yourself, why is she this upset?

Well, maybe it’s because people feel that they can take whatever they want from you and have absolutely no remorse for their fucking actions. And you’re left blaming yourself for the actions of others. Well, I don’t want to blame myself anymore and I am tired of living in silence and fear.

Halfway through the California project I was sexually assaulted by one of my co-workers, twice. Then, the last week of the project I was raped, by him. I’ve been tested and all tests came back clean. I’m also currently seeking help to try get past this.

Now, I am not telling you this so that you can feel bad for me, or take pity on me. But, to let you know that even though I can smile and carry on, I’ve been hurt. And some days are worse than others, some days I am fine and I don’t even think about it, but some days it’s all I can think about.

I am telling you this, because I want to be able to share my bad days if/when they happen with someone. I’m tired of going through things alone and “suffering in silence”.

I am tired of feeling as if I am surrounded by people, but no one to talk to.

Mr. Lonely

Have you ever felt the feeling of loneliness? No, not the ‘I don’t have anyone to hang out with on a Saturday night’ loneliness, but true loneliness. The kind where you’re constantly checking your phone hoping that someone would text you just to get you out of your own thoughts. The same kind however, that when the wrong person messages you, you simply can’t bring yourself to respond.

I have been waiting for one person to text me first for the past four years. He’s done it maybe 5 times. Yet, do I continue to wait? Of course, because those are the times were he actually needs me. Believe me, those are rare.

However, I tell my friends this all the time, I shut down when I’m overwhelmed. In our group message there are four of us total, including me. So when the three of them get on a topic or have a posting spree where multiple messages are arriving at once, you’d think that would fill the void that I’ve created for lack of contact, but it doesn’t. I shut down when I see 30 unread messages, I would rather let them continue to pile up than read them in that moment. It’s too much, I am overwhelmed and I feel like I am behind and can never catch up.

I know, selfish of me right? I complain that I have no one to talk to, but then when people talk to me, I shut them out. But, picture this wouldn’t you rather have a meal and not just constant appetizers. I feel that at times when I talk with my friends (love them to death, don’t get me wrong) we don’t talk about the important stuff. 

Okay, let me not sit here and lie to you guys, at times we do talk about what’s going on in our lives, we have our real talks, but it’s not the same you know? Those talks one come around ever so often or when someone is really stressed. Even still, I don’t open up as much as I would like. And yes, that’s also on me, I get that. I own up to it. But, when you’ve been hurt like I’ve been hurt then you would be able to understand. (I feel like a broken record.)

Earlier today I googled what it meant to feel lonely and one of those test popped up. Even though it said it was not a diagnosis, a score of 30 or above constituted as ‘extremely or severe loneliness’ I received a 32.

I think to myself constantly, am I lonely or do I miss my best friend? Por que los nos dos?, you ask. Oh yeah, it’s definitely both. But who do I tell that to? fuck. I can’t tell him.

My biggest fear is being a burden on him again.

He’s already moved on with his life, I don’t want to continue bring him back into my crap. He has bigger things to work about than the crazy thoughts going on in my head. But, then I don’t want to be the same burden on someone else. Then I am still lonely because I don’t want to let anyone in because I don’t want to be a burden again. So, I still have no one to talk to.

I am in a vicious cycle and I don’t know how to get out.

For now, I’m tired. So I am going to bed.

Alex.