Take a Chance on Me

Every so often I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I wonder why I’m still single, I wonder why I haven’t completely dropped all the weight I’ve been working so hard to lose, I wonder if I’m on the right track, I wonder if I’m doing the right thing, I just wonder about so many things.

I have been trying to read my Bible more and pray more, it’s gotten a lot better, it I wonder if I’m doing enough.

I have this compulsive need to fix everything and I don’t always know how or if I do, I don’t have the money.

There was a job that I was really interested in and 100% could have done, but they don’t think I have enough experience. The unfortunate part is I know that I would have done a fantastic job. And if they would have just given me a chance to learn, perfect my craft, and show them what I can do i know they wouldn’t have been disappointed.

I hate that no one can see how great I truly am.

Better yet, I have that no one is willing to see how great I truly am.

I don’t want to be alone forever. I don’t want to have to be constantly finding a job that pays more. I want something that will cover my expenses and my parents expenses easily.

I’m fortunate to have so much and I don’t take it for granted. Not one bit.

Changes

I feel like I am being changed by the people in my environment and I don’t know if I like it. I don’t know if it’s a positive change. I just know that it’s not me.

For example, I just recently bought a straight wig, one because I have always wanted it and two the opportunity presented itself when I was in the wig shop with my co-worker. Don’t get me wrong, the hair looks amazing, and I look amazing and I feel good wearing it (sometimes). But, the reactions that I received from it just made me feel like my natural hair and my natural self isn’t enough. I love my hair in an afro, and yeah at times I could style it a bit more but I love big, curly, and unruly hair. But now I feel like I should wear my hair differently because others like it better. Because it makes me better?

Example #2. We get car rentals for this project and usually I don’t care what car I get as long as it’s a car, right? However, my co-workers are bougie people and they feel that they need to have the best of the best wherever they go. So currently two of them are driving Range Rovers, mainly because they’ve been renting cars longer than me and they have the upgrade privileges, but also because they’re bougie. However one of my other coworkers is driving a regular car and I feel like I should have just listened to her when she said to get whatever car I wanted. When the time came for me to pick up my car yesterday they asked if I wanted a Nissan Maxima or if I wanted a Chrysler 300 (which was the first car I had, that my bougie coworkers swooned over) and I chose the Chrysler because I wanted to impress my co-workers. I’ve regretted that decision since I’ve driven off the lot, because I should have picked the other car, not only to try something new but because it’s still a nice car regardless of name. And it would have been my choice to get it. I know it sounds like a stupid thing to complain about or take issue with, but the problem is that I feel like I’m not doing things for me but for others. And I don’t like it.

I don’t want to be anyone other than who I am. And if I do change I want it to be because I am growing up, not because I am conforming or changing to who other people expect me to become.

I’ve always maintained that I didn’t care what other people thought of me (for the most part), but now I feel like I am constantly on display and being judged by everyone around me and I just need to do whatever I can to measure up to them.

I don’t like it, at all.

I’m Tired

I am so tired of doing the same thing over and over again and not getting anything in return.

I have been applying for jobs consistently for the past 6 months and I have been getting nothing but rejection letters. Currently there are two positions that are looking promising, but there is not guarantee. I essentially just have to pray and hope that one of them come through. Otherwise, I am back to the drawing board. Which I’m basically already at. I apply, I get rejected and thus begins the cycle.

I just don’t understand why I have to essentially beg for a job. Like you know my experience, you know I am educated, just freaking train me and we would be good to go. The ones that piss me off the most are the rejections I get from jobs that literally say, requirements: college degree. I HAVE THAT! Then how am I not qualified? Why can’t you even just give me an INTERVIEW. That’s all I want. I want to at least be given an interview so that I just know that I was at least qualified enough on paper.

Because as is right now, what you are telling me is that I am not even qualified enough to pass your basic qualifications tests. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? I have experience in the field and you see that. You’re just being shitty people.¬†

I’m honestly just so sick and tired of this. I’m running out of money and I am running out of confidence that this is going to end soon. I am tired of living in my parent’s house. I am tired of cleaning up after people. I am tired of doing things for other people and never getting anything back in return. I am just so tired. This is utter bullshit. I deserve more. I deserve better. I am better. But why can’t they see that?

What am I supposed to do now? I can’t give up because I NEED a job. I can’t give up because there are so many people depending on me. I can’t give up because if I do, my money will run out and we will be homeless.

I just want, no. I NEED things to change. And soon. Like now. Because I’m tired.

The Dating Game 

The problem I have with dating apps is… trifold? If that word is even allowed to be used in this instance. 

  1. I feel like I am forcing fate. 
  2. I don’t understand why guys swipe right on me. 
  3. I don’t feel like I am good enough. 

Now now, I know what you’re thinking. Gosh, she’s really hard on herself. But here’s the truth. I’ve never been the smallest girl in the room. Granted, I haven’t been the biggest either. But, I feel like that’s a huge factor for some guys. I’ve always been athletic, so I guess I have that going for me. But, until recently I haven’t actually stuck to maintaining a healthy lifestyle. This time I’m actually serious about losing the weight because I know I can do it and I want to see how good I can look. But, I digress this isn’t a fat post. Well, not entirely. 

Back to number one. Forcing fate and all that. I am a believer of “meet cutes” you know where you meet someone in like a coffee shop or restaurant or store and it’s like a great story to tell the kids in the future. You can’t have a “meet cute” online. What will I tell my kids, “Yeah sweetie, I swiped right on your father. And we’ve been together ever since.” How romantic? On that same note however, I don’t know why I’m thinking of forever with people I haven’t even met. But every time I am about to swipe right, I have to ask myself, “do I see myself with this person in the future?” (keep in mind that I have no way of knowing if they’ve swiped on me first before I swipe them.) Maybe I am taking it too seriously.

Numero dos. I am pretty hard on myself. But after hearing what my own friends do on the app (they just swipe tight on every girl, because it’s a numbers game and the girls have to initiate the conversation first so if they end up not liking her they don’t respond.) I wonder if the people who swiped right for me, I wonder if they’re genuine. To be honest,  I know there is a reason for everyone to pick anyone, I want to know what my catch is. How do I lure people in? 

And finally, because I’m falling asleep. (Correction, fell asleep, woke up and now I’m finishing this.) I know that the thought of me not being good enough is just another way I continue to bring myself down, but it’s still there. I see all these guys doing great things and then there’s me. After they meet me, will they think I’m still as amazing as they once imagined or will they be disappointed? 

But hey,  none of this even matters if they don’t respond, right? 

Alexandria