I’m Not Ready

I was asked recently about my temperament. I feel like for the most part it’s pretty steady. But, every so often it can change. Just like that. And currently, I feel like a ‘just like that’ moment is occurring.

I am slowly starting to realize how much money I actually missed out on by not being accepted for a project I applied for. And to make matters worse, it would have been the perfect project for me. Here’s why:

  1. The project was in California, with the same hospital system I worked at when the incident happened.
  2. It’s in the same city where the Huxtables currently reside and I would have been there for Theo’s birthday, which is today.
  3. It would have been for a different company so the chances of me seeing him are slim to none.
  4. I would have been working inpatient hours, so more hours equals more pay.

ALL of which are fantastic reasons. Like I said, perfect project.

I have been trying to console myself with the idea that everything happens for a reason, and since I lost that opportunity I have received two initiated conversations about a full time position. But so far, nothing has come from it. Which means I have nothing right now. ‘I have no money and no prospects’ as my friends would always say.

I am starting to get worried that I am currently going down the wrong path and eventually it’s going to be to hard to turn away. I am starting to feel as if I haven’t accomplished much with my life. And I am slowly, not fully yet, starting to feel like I am wasting my life and I could be doing so much more.

I want to be doing so much more, but right now no one is giving me the chance. All I need is for one organization to take a chance on me and give me an opportunity to prove to them that I am actually really good at what I do. I just need to be trained and given the platform to shine.

And I need for it to happen soon. Because currently I am starting to lose hope just a little. And not yet, but I feel it coming on, I feel like I am on the verge of a backslide of the century.

I have been on an extended high for way too long. I have had the summer of a lifetime and I am currently achieving my body goals and I feel like the universe might think that I am too happy and it’s time to be taken down a notch.

I’m not ready.

Alex

Quick Life Update

It’s been a while since I have written. And I hate for you guys to think that I only write when my life is falling apart, but that seems to always be the case. Mainly, since it’s the only thing that keeps me together.

However, this time it’s not falling apart. It’s been better than ever. 

These past few months, I have actually been really happy. I have been working consistently, I have been eating healthier, working out, and speaking more of my truth to my friends ( i.e. letting them in more on my day to day life). Needless to say, I have been living my life like it’s golden.

In fact, this past week I actually went back to California to visit the family that I used to work for ( they moved out there last August) and I spent a week with them and I really  enjoyed myself and hanging out with the kids.

For whatever reason, I thought that maybe I would have a trigger of some sorts, but to my surprise, I didn’t think of him once. Not once. Not even one time. Looking back at it, I am completely happy that he isn’t even on my radar anymore. However, a part of me is saddened that that part of my life is over now. Because I feel that if I don’t remember it was it really significant enough to do all the damage that it did. I know the logical answer is yes, but still. It’s something I think about.

Granted, I am no longer the person who needs to obsess over it, or talk it out, or avoid talking it out, or cry over it, or get upset that I am not crying over it, or simply even think about it at all. In fact, I haven’t thought about it. Like I said, AT ALL. And yes, I am ecstatic, I am elated, I am joyful, and thankful, and blessed that I no longer have to deal with that part of my life anymore. I am still concerned that I am concerned that it’s over.

But, hey. No more dwelling. Here is the truth:

I have been traveling constantly the last 6 months for work and this past week started  my two month travel adventure. I get to go to camp three times, I am meeting up with my friends, I am going to travel somewhere with my sister (don’t know where yet), hopefully I am going to Bermuda. But, moral of the story is, I will be busy making happy memories with the people I love, surrounded by people who love me, and I couldn’t be happier.

I feel great and I am not ashamed about that anymore.

Goodbye & Goodnight

Alex.

I’m Okay

Two words. 

Six letters. 

One contraction. 

That’s all it takes to get someone to stop worrying about you.

I can’t believe it’s that simple. I hate that it’s that simple.

I want it to be the truth. And maybe it is the truth.

But, what is it the truth? Is that all it take for me to be okay with myself?

Am I okay? How will I know? When will I know?

Alex.

No One Asked

You know what I have been thinking about these past few nights? I have told 6 people total that I was raped and not a single one of them asked if I was going to press charges.

Why not?

You think that if someone told you that a crime was committed against them that they would want that person to pay for what they did. But, no one asked if I was going to press charges. Or at the very least, no one asked what I was going to do about it. One of the reason I hesitated to tell anyone was because I didn’t feel like I was ready to deal with the consequences and the aftermath of what happened. But, it never came.

Why is that?

I know it’s not a subject that people want to talk about, believe me. And I know it’s hard to know what I want at times, believe me. It changes constantly. But, why is it okay that I could tell you that I was violated in the worst way possible and your best response is “Fuck that guy” and not “Let’s go after that guy and make him pay for what he did!” Now, I am not saying that that is what I want to do, by any means. The thought did cross my mind, but as quick as it came it left. But, at the very least, why didn’t anyone bring it up? How come they were just so accepting of what happened and so giving of their apologies and condolences? This is not okay. I am not okay, and a ‘no one should ever have to deal with this’ just doesn’t suffice anymore.

What’s wrong with America?

Why is okay that women can be attacked feel that they should just stay silent about it? Why is it okay that I had no control over what happened to my body and there’s still nothing I can do about it? Why is this okay? WHY IS IT OKAY!? It’s not. And it shouldn’t be.

Why am I accepting this? Why do I have to be the one who suffers and he can just go on and live his life like normal? There are absolutely no repercussions for him and that’s my fault. I am the one that’s letting him get away with this. I am the one that’s too afraid of what everyone else would think about me that I can’t even face facts and let the world know that he’s an awful person. But, is he? Or is just what he did awful? And maybe that’s also something that is holding me back. Maybe the fact that I am still separating what he did, from who he is, is what’s holding me back. But, should I be? Is that the right thing to do? Are the two separate?

I don’t want to feel like I am still doing the wrong thing, by not reporting it. But, what’s the point really? There’s no more physical evidence. There’s nothing left, expect for ‘he said, she said’. So, at this point, is it really worth it? By me containing the situation, I am containing the reactions of others. I am able to limit the amount of lives that this affects. Including my therapist, as of right now it’s only 8. (The irony is that’s my favorite number). Maybe, I should just leave it at that. I should just drop the entire situation and try to move on with my life, sicne I can’t do anything to change what happened. But, I can change how I react to it.

I am tired of reacting to it. I am tired of dealing with it. I am tired of feeling helpless. I am tired of worrying about this. I am tired of creating ways to make myself miserable. I am just so tired. I want to live my life, the way it was supposed to be, but I can’t anymore because this is now apart of it.

This was never supposed to be apart of my story and now that it is, I don’t know how to cope. I don’t know how to live without constantly thinking about it, about him, and about how this has and is consuming my life. At times, I feel like if I don’t think about it, or a I don’t talk about it, then maybe it never happened. Maybe, I was just overreacting. I don’t know how I am supposed to respond to this. I don’t know what I am supposed to do. And whatever it is, I don’t think that I am doing it right. I have become to consumed by this.

In fact, I feel as if I am living two separate lives. Perhaps three.

  1. The life that my family believes that I am living: Happy, healthy, working, and applying to school.
  2. The life my friends think I am living: Happy enough for the most part, healthy enough for the most part, and applying to school.
  3. The life that I think I am living: Happy for a moment and miserable the next, healthy enough at this moment, but I was healthier before and could be doing better, and applying to school.

As much as a I am dreading grad school homework. I am actually genuinely excited about it. It’s one of the few life goals that I have right now that I am still happy about. I feel like it’s the only thing that I have done/ am doing for me. Yes, I am a consultant, but my sister helped me start with that. Granted, I have earned my own keep since, but it wouldn’t have been possible without her. And trust me, she doesn’t let me forget it.

Grad school is something that will prove my worth. It is something that will make this whole thing worth it. It’s a way for me to prove to myself and to everyone else, that I am actually good at what I do.

I am actually really good at what I do.

Contrary to how it seems with me barely holding it together at times, I am very good that the things that I put my mind to. I just have felt that in the recent past, people don’t seem to believe that. And maybe it’s because I continue to do things for other people and they don’t seem to understand/recognize my worth. But, I am a damn good person, friend, and educator.

Why isn’t that enough? Why do I have to keep proving that? Or maybe I don’t, but it sure as hell feels like I do. Grad school applications are basically you selling yourself and saying that schools should pick you over other people. I am so tired of proving my worth. I am so tired of continually saying that I am good enough to be here.

I am good enough to be here.

Other people believe it, why can’t I?

I just want to move on, but I feel like I’m stuck.

Help,

Alexandria.

Edit: I take that back. One person did. The first person I told. She did ask. But, only her.

So many thoughts…and not enough words.

This tends to happen to me a lot. I get OVERWHELMED with the thoughts that are in my head and I feel the need to write them down, but I physically can’t.

This is also why I haven’t finished my book. I know how I want certain scenes to playout I know who the characters are and I know what’s going to happed to them, but I can’t bring myself to writing it all down because it’s to much. My hands literally cannot type as fast as I can think.

This is always why I have this nasty habit of jumping from one thing to another because that’s how the thoughts are arranged in my head. I find myself skipping words when I type because my brain can’t process what my head want to do.

Back to the initial point at hand, I didn’t want this post to be about my book. I want it to be about the new year, I wanted it to be about how I was going to change certain aspects of my life while retaining others. It was going to be about my resolutions and how I plan on keeping them this time. This post was also supposed to be written days ago. Here’s a shocker, I’m rarely on time for things.

I also tend to get distracted easily. In the 5 minutes since I have begun this post I have been distracted about 7 times. I keep stopping and starting, and wondering what I am going to type next.

This post wasn’t even supposed to be this long. This was supposed to be two maybe three paragraphs of how I was supposed to write, how I didn’t, why I couldn’t, and what is causing my emotional break today. I haven’t even gotten to that. I haven’t even had the chance to tell you that today is my father’s birthday. And that my mother, I know you’re not supposed to start a sentence with and, gave him a birthday cards with words printed on it that came from a loving wife, and proceeded to write in her own words which read, and I’m not not quoting.

I wish this was how we are. This is how we used to be, and this is how I felt. But, not anymore. I am lonely and unhappy and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I told you this expecting you to change and you haven’t.

Happy Birthday right?

Alex.