Take a Chance on Me

Every so often I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I wonder why I’m still single, I wonder why I haven’t completely dropped all the weight I’ve been working so hard to lose, I wonder if I’m on the right track, I wonder if I’m doing the right thing, I just wonder about so many things.

I have been trying to read my Bible more and pray more, it’s gotten a lot better, it I wonder if I’m doing enough.

I have this compulsive need to fix everything and I don’t always know how or if I do, I don’t have the money.

There was a job that I was really interested in and 100% could have done, but they don’t think I have enough experience. The unfortunate part is I know that I would have done a fantastic job. And if they would have just given me a chance to learn, perfect my craft, and show them what I can do i know they wouldn’t have been disappointed.

I hate that no one can see how great I truly am.

Better yet, I have that no one is willing to see how great I truly am.

I don’t want to be alone forever. I don’t want to have to be constantly finding a job that pays more. I want something that will cover my expenses and my parents expenses easily.

I’m fortunate to have so much and I don’t take it for granted. Not one bit.

Mr. Lonely

Have you ever felt the feeling of loneliness? No, not the ‘I don’t have anyone to hang out with on a Saturday night’ loneliness, but true loneliness. The kind where you’re constantly checking your phone hoping that someone would text you just to get you out of your own thoughts. The same kind however, that when the wrong person messages you, you simply can’t bring yourself to respond.

I have been waiting for one person to text me first for the past four years. He’s done it maybe 5 times. Yet, do I continue to wait? Of course, because those are the times were he actually needs me. Believe me, those are rare.

However, I tell my friends this all the time, I shut down when I’m overwhelmed. In our group message there are four of us total, including me. So when the three of them get on a topic or have a posting spree where multiple messages are arriving at once, you’d think that would fill the void that I’ve created for lack of contact, but it doesn’t. I shut down when I see 30 unread messages, I would rather let them continue to pile up than read them in that moment. It’s too much, I am overwhelmed and I feel like I am behind and can never catch up.

I know, selfish of me right? I complain that I have no one to talk to, but then when people talk to me, I shut them out. But, picture this wouldn’t you rather have a meal and not just constant appetizers. I feel that at times when I talk with my friends (love them to death, don’t get me wrong) we don’t talk about the important stuff. 

Okay, let me not sit here and lie to you guys, at times we do talk about what’s going on in our lives, we have our real talks, but it’s not the same you know? Those talks one come around ever so often or when someone is really stressed. Even still, I don’t open up as much as I would like. And yes, that’s also on me, I get that. I own up to it. But, when you’ve been hurt like I’ve been hurt then you would be able to understand. (I feel like a broken record.)

Earlier today I googled what it meant to feel lonely and one of those test popped up. Even though it said it was not a diagnosis, a score of 30 or above constituted as ‘extremely or severe loneliness’ I received a 32.

I think to myself constantly, am I lonely or do I miss my best friend? Por que los nos dos?, you ask. Oh yeah, it’s definitely both. But who do I tell that to? fuck. I can’t tell him.

My biggest fear is being a burden on him again.

He’s already moved on with his life, I don’t want to continue bring him back into my crap. He has bigger things to work about than the crazy thoughts going on in my head. But, then I don’t want to be the same burden on someone else. Then I am still lonely because I don’t want to let anyone in because I don’t want to be a burden again. So, I still have no one to talk to.

I am in a vicious cycle and I don’t know how to get out.

For now, I’m tired. So I am going to bed.

Alex.

 

Relationships 

You know what’s not fair? When I say that I want a boyfriend or that I want to be in a relationship and people come back with, 

“Oh, but you have the rest of your life to be in a relationship. What’s the hurry?”

The hurry is that I am tired of being single. The hurry is that I have done the single life, I’ve traveled and have had my own experiences. I’ve done what I want to do, and now I want to share that with someone else. Is that so bad?

I am not saying that I need a man, but why the hell can’t I have one? I get it, I’m young, I single, I’m independent. Whoop de freaking do? 

However, the problem is I’m alone. At night, I don’t have anyone to go home to, I don’t have anyone to texting me to see how my day was, I don’t have anyone to go to dinner, or the movies, or rock climbing or whatever the case may be. I don’t have anyone to be adventurous with or spontaneous, or even yet just someone to be bored with.

For those of you who think I should be able to do these things on my own and be happy. Fuck you. I never said I couldn’t. I simply do not want to. Why do I have to do things alone? Why should I be forced to be an independent black woman who don’t need no man? What’s the joy in having success if you have no one to share it with? And what’s the point of getting success if you’re just going to give it to the person you never grew with? 

Look don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to get married now, I don’t even know what I’m going to be doing in August. But, in reality, I am tired of being alone, I am tired of not having someone anyone really to share my secrets with. I tired of my current situation. That’s it.

Moral of the story: I shouldn’t have to be forced to do it alone either, and I shouldn’t be shamed for wanting to do it with someone.