Have you ever felt the feeling of loneliness? No, not the ‘I don’t have anyone to hang out with on a Saturday night’ loneliness, but true loneliness. The kind where you’re constantly checking your phone hoping that someone would text you just to get you out of your own thoughts. The same kind however, that when the wrong person messages you, you simply can’t bring yourself to respond.
I have been waiting for one person to text me first for the past four years. He’s done it maybe 5 times. Yet, do I continue to wait? Of course, because those are the times were he actually needs me. Believe me, those are rare.
However, I tell my friends this all the time, I shut down when I’m overwhelmed. In our group message there are four of us total, including me. So when the three of them get on a topic or have a posting spree where multiple messages are arriving at once, you’d think that would fill the void that I’ve created for lack of contact, but it doesn’t. I shut down when I see 30 unread messages, I would rather let them continue to pile up than read them in that moment. It’s too much, I am overwhelmed and I feel like I am behind and can never catch up.
I know, selfish of me right? I complain that I have no one to talk to, but then when people talk to me, I shut them out. But, picture this wouldn’t you rather have a meal and not just constant appetizers. I feel that at times when I talk with my friends (love them to death, don’t get me wrong) we don’t talk about the important stuff.
Okay, let me not sit here and lie to you guys, at times we do talk about what’s going on in our lives, we have our real talks, but it’s not the same you know? Those talks one come around ever so often or when someone is really stressed. Even still, I don’t open up as much as I would like. And yes, that’s also on me, I get that. I own up to it. But, when you’ve been hurt like I’ve been hurt then you would be able to understand. (I feel like a broken record.)
Earlier today I googled what it meant to feel lonely and one of those test popped up. Even though it said it was not a diagnosis, a score of 30 or above constituted as ‘extremely or severe loneliness’ I received a 32.
I think to myself constantly, am I lonely or do I miss my best friend? Por que los nos dos?, you ask. Oh yeah, it’s definitely both. But who do I tell that to? fuck. I can’t tell him.
My biggest fear is being a burden on him again.
He’s already moved on with his life, I don’t want to continue bring him back into my crap. He has bigger things to work about than the crazy thoughts going on in my head. But, then I don’t want to be the same burden on someone else. Then I am still lonely because I don’t want to let anyone in because I don’t want to be a burden again. So, I still have no one to talk to.
I am in a vicious cycle and I don’t know how to get out.
For now, I’m tired. So I am going to bed.