Take a Chance on Me

Every so often I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I wonder why I’m still single, I wonder why I haven’t completely dropped all the weight I’ve been working so hard to lose, I wonder if I’m on the right track, I wonder if I’m doing the right thing, I just wonder about so many things.

I have been trying to read my Bible more and pray more, it’s gotten a lot better, it I wonder if I’m doing enough.

I have this compulsive need to fix everything and I don’t always know how or if I do, I don’t have the money.

There was a job that I was really interested in and 100% could have done, but they don’t think I have enough experience. The unfortunate part is I know that I would have done a fantastic job. And if they would have just given me a chance to learn, perfect my craft, and show them what I can do i know they wouldn’t have been disappointed.

I hate that no one can see how great I truly am.

Better yet, I have that no one is willing to see how great I truly am.

I don’t want to be alone forever. I don’t want to have to be constantly finding a job that pays more. I want something that will cover my expenses and my parents expenses easily.

I’m fortunate to have so much and I don’t take it for granted. Not one bit.

I Slipped

On Friday night. I was home. Alone. I watched Sharp objects.

I drank Deep Eddy’s Lemon vodka.

I broke a glass.

& then I used it to cut myself.

I had no reason to do it. It was honestly just the perfect storm, because I’ve been really wanting to break a glass and see what it would feel like to do so and to potentially use it. But, I didn’t feel anything. I saw the blood, but I didn’t feel the pain. It just felt like it was something to do.

It was also the first time I cut anywhere other than my wrist. But, I wanted the lines to be longer, so I cut the length of my thigh.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. And I’m afraid to tell me friend that I failed, because I don’t want to let them down.

Continue reading “I Slipped”

Childlike

I feel like a child.

I feel like the person who hasn’t grown up.

I feel like a failure.

I feel like a nothing.

I feel nothing.

I feel like I am not who I want to be.

I feel like I am not who I am supposed to be.

I feel like I am not who I want/ed to be.

I feel like…

I don’t know.

I just don’t feel like me.

Grow the fuck up Alex.

Be better than this.

Be better.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Is there anything even wrong with me?

Why can’t I get passed this?

Why am I like this?

Why can’t I be normal?

What is happening to me?

Why is this happening to me?

Fuck.