Birthdays & Reflections

Yesterday was my birthday. I am now officially 27 years of age.

Alright , enough with the formalities. This calendar past year has been without a doubt one of the greatest years I have had ever. My past birthday year started off with a rocky start since my family was in a car accident about a week before my birthday and my mom broke her back and my sister torn her Achilles tendon and developed a blood clot shortly after. But since then, my other sister got married. My brother has a fiance and a daughter. And I received my first training role. Oh and I’ve been to seven countries. And I have about $2300 left of personal credit card debt.

Like I said, this past year was amazing. It has been a whirlwind of emotions and a series of ups and down, mainly up and I am so lucky, well blessed to have been afforded all of the opportunities that I have over the past year.

With that being said, about a month ago after losing my last position, I slowly entered into a depression. I guess that’s what it’s called when the things that usually bring you joy, no longer do. I would say that I was in my funk for about three weeks with the last week being the most difficult. I finally truly snapped out of it on Saturday when I took a trip to visit my friend in Michigan.

But, before then I wasn’t happy and I honestly wasn’t see a way out of it. I was miserable and I didn’t know why. And then I got mad at myself for being so miserable because I have so many things that other people do not.

I figured that I was being ungrateful or that I was being selfish because things weren’t going my way. But, the truth is/was I was physically or mentally, whatever the case may be, unable to be “happy”. I wasn’t able to snap out of it like I usually did. Even my aunt noticed that there was something wrong with me. That was the first time EVER that I couldn’t mask how I was feeling enough to make it through even the simplest of interactions.

I started this post a week ago. My birthday was November 6th. In that past week, I started to feel significantly better. Things were/are starting to look up and I started to feel like myself again. Slowly, but surely. But then Wednesday hit and something stopped. I stopped getting better. I stopped seeing the good. I stopped being patient with myself, I stopped talking to my friends. I just stopped.

I think it’s all related to job stress. I am waiting to hear back from a position that I really want and the wait is what’s killing me, because I feel like I have to wait even longer because they are on the west coast and are up three hours after me. There also the stress that I was supposed to have worked two days this week with a family I babysit for but the dad canceled on me. That wouldn’t have been that big of an issue, but I turned down ANOTHER family because of this family and he cancels. Finally, I think it just all came crashing down on me because this week I had to borrow from my savings again. Not just my regular savings, but the savings that you hide away and forget is there savings. It’s been two months since my last paycheck and I am getting worried. Again.

I thought my life would be different by now. I thought that I would in a relationship, have a great career, own my own home. You know the normal things that people aspire to have in their late twenties. And don’t get me wrong on the outside looking in, I seem to have it all. I get to travel, for free, I only work half of the year, I have little to no debt, I’m healthy. What more could person ask for, right?

Genuine happiness on a daily basis for starters. 

I’m Tired

I am so tired of doing the same thing over and over again and not getting anything in return.

I have been applying for jobs consistently for the past 6 months and I have been getting nothing but rejection letters. Currently there are two positions that are looking promising, but there is not guarantee. I essentially just have to pray and hope that one of them come through. Otherwise, I am back to the drawing board. Which I’m basically already at. I apply, I get rejected and thus begins the cycle.

I just don’t understand why I have to essentially beg for a job. Like you know my experience, you know I am educated, just freaking train me and we would be good to go. The ones that piss me off the most are the rejections I get from jobs that literally say, requirements: college degree. I HAVE THAT! Then how am I not qualified? Why can’t you even just give me an INTERVIEW. That’s all I want. I want to at least be given an interview so that I just know that I was at least qualified enough on paper.

Because as is right now, what you are telling me is that I am not even qualified enough to pass your basic qualifications tests. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? I have experience in the field and you see that. You’re just being shitty people. 

I’m honestly just so sick and tired of this. I’m running out of money and I am running out of confidence that this is going to end soon. I am tired of living in my parent’s house. I am tired of cleaning up after people. I am tired of doing things for other people and never getting anything back in return. I am just so tired. This is utter bullshit. I deserve more. I deserve better. I am better. But why can’t they see that?

What am I supposed to do now? I can’t give up because I NEED a job. I can’t give up because there are so many people depending on me. I can’t give up because if I do, my money will run out and we will be homeless.

I just want, no. I NEED things to change. And soon. Like now. Because I’m tired.

I’m Not Ready

I was asked recently about my temperament. I feel like for the most part it’s pretty steady. But, every so often it can change. Just like that. And currently, I feel like a ‘just like that’ moment is occurring.

I am slowly starting to realize how much money I actually missed out on by not being accepted for a project I applied for. And to make matters worse, it would have been the perfect project for me. Here’s why:

  1. The project was in California, with the same hospital system I worked at when the incident happened.
  2. It’s in the same city where the Huxtables currently reside and I would have been there for Theo’s birthday, which is today.
  3. It would have been for a different company so the chances of me seeing him are slim to none.
  4. I would have been working inpatient hours, so more hours equals more pay.

ALL of which are fantastic reasons. Like I said, perfect project.

I have been trying to console myself with the idea that everything happens for a reason, and since I lost that opportunity I have received two initiated conversations about a full time position. But so far, nothing has come from it. Which means I have nothing right now. ‘I have no money and no prospects’ as my friends would always say.

I am starting to get worried that I am currently going down the wrong path and eventually it’s going to be to hard to turn away. I am starting to feel as if I haven’t accomplished much with my life. And I am slowly, not fully yet, starting to feel like I am wasting my life and I could be doing so much more.

I want to be doing so much more, but right now no one is giving me the chance. All I need is for one organization to take a chance on me and give me an opportunity to prove to them that I am actually really good at what I do. I just need to be trained and given the platform to shine.

And I need for it to happen soon. Because currently I am starting to lose hope just a little. And not yet, but I feel it coming on, I feel like I am on the verge of a backslide of the century.

I have been on an extended high for way too long. I have had the summer of a lifetime and I am currently achieving my body goals and I feel like the universe might think that I am too happy and it’s time to be taken down a notch.

I’m not ready.

Alex

I’m Leaving

I don’t think I have ever been so determined to change my current situation.

Theo, the 13 year old I take care of, made me so angry to the point where I literally didn’t know what to do. The situation wasn’t even worth the argument that it caused, but it just ruined both of our days because we are so stubborn. I just walked out. This is the second time that I have done that and it’s just because I don’t know what else to do.

He keeps saying he’s sorry, but it doesn’t help when you continue to do the same thing over and over again. Don’t be sorry, be better. How do you change a person if it’s all they know. How do you stop a behavior that someone has grown up with. How do you help to raise someone else’s kid without stepping on the toes of the parents. Theo could never be my son because I wouldn’t have let it get this far. He rarely gets told no, so it makes it so much harder when I do it. Working with him has just shown me that it’s Theo’s world we all just live in it. It’s either his way or the highway. And I can’t live like that. No anymore.

There’s a lack of respect that he has for me and I don’t know how to get it back. Long talks aren’t working, yelling isn’t working, reasoning doesn’t work, and being nice doesn’t either. I just want him to succeed and be the best person he can be, but he is making it so hard for me to stay.

What’s even worse is that he is setting a bad example for his little bother. The same one who has now gotten into the even worse habit of copying everything his brother does. Theo sings a song, so does Bud. Theo wants a snack, so does Bud. Theo doesn’t want to do his homework, neither does Bud. So you can see how problematic life has become if the sole purpose of me being there is to help these children get better at school.

They are making it so hard for me to see myself doing this for the rest of my life. I thought I was great with working with kids. They are beginning to make me doubt that.

I love kids, I love working with kids, and I enjoying making kids happy, and watching them succeed. But it’s day like these when I ask myself, “Are you sure you can do this?” and not only that but I tend to tell myself, “You can be doing so much more with your life and earning so much more as well.”

Alexandria