Square One: Part Two 

I feel like everyone else’s life is going on without me and I am emotionally at a stand still.

I feel like I am stuck and I have no way how to get out. 

It’s worse because I’m currently not working right now, so I literally have nothing to do. But, in reality, I also don’t want to do anything. 

For two weeks now I have been lying on my bed or the couch, blaming my laziness on my back injury, but really it might just be me. 

I’m not motivated to do anything or to go anywhere. I just want to watch television, eat, and sleep.

I don’t know if I’m depressed or just lazy. I want to get up and work out and lose all the weight I’ve gained, but it’s physically so hard to do. I had high hopes for losing weight this month and I think I might have lost maybe one pound? 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

And I hate that nothing has changed: 

  1. My back hasn’t gotten better. 
  2. I’m still fat. 
  3. I’m back to thinking about the incident and him. 

I’m literally fighting with myself on a daily basis. “You shouldn’t be eating that. You should be working out.” “You can work out later, keep lying here.”

I’m also a self sabotaging person. Yesterday I bought bags of salad and today I went out to buy ramen. It’s like I don’t want myself to get better and succeed. 

I hate how far I’ve fallen. I hate how lazy I’ve been. I hate that I’ve gained so much weight. I hate that I’m not happy. I hate that I have no one to talk to about this because everyone is so busy. 

I hate that I’m all alone.

Alex. 

Me Too 

It’s not fair. 

When I see other women and they are so put together & they say that they are survivors of sexual assault as well. I don’t think it’s fair that they are okay & I’m not. I know that it will take some time. But, when will I get to stand tall & proud I say that I survived too? Because as of  right now, I don’t see myself being able to to do that…ever.

When will I be able to say that it no longer affects me? 5 years from now? 2 years? 1 month? 2 more  weeks? The fact that I will never know when I’ll be myself again is what bothers me most. I know I have to take it one day at a time, but these days are getting harder and harder. 

I’m so tired. But, not only that I feel so guilty. I feel as if I’m complaining too much. I feel like I should just get over it because it wasn’t that bad. I feel as if I should be happy, because I’ve lived a blessed life. I’ve had some trials here and there, but overall it’s been good. So I feel like I shouldn’t complain. I feel like I have no right to do so.

And that’s what makes some days harder than others. I am in this enormous amount of pain, but I don’t feel like can express that. There are days where I am overwhelmed by sadness, but I feel like I’m not allowed to be, or at the very least l don’t think I can be.  But then there are days when I’m completely fine. 

I just want to go home. I just want to be happy again. I just want to go back & stop it from happening, so l don’t have to feel this way anymore.

I regret everything…

Mr. Lonely

Have you ever felt the feeling of loneliness? No, not the ‘I don’t have anyone to hang out with on a Saturday night’ loneliness, but true loneliness. The kind where you’re constantly checking your phone hoping that someone would text you just to get you out of your own thoughts. The same kind however, that when the wrong person messages you, you simply can’t bring yourself to respond.

I have been waiting for one person to text me first for the past four years. He’s done it maybe 5 times. Yet, do I continue to wait? Of course, because those are the times were he actually needs me. Believe me, those are rare.

However, I tell my friends this all the time, I shut down when I’m overwhelmed. In our group message there are four of us total, including me. So when the three of them get on a topic or have a posting spree where multiple messages are arriving at once, you’d think that would fill the void that I’ve created for lack of contact, but it doesn’t. I shut down when I see 30 unread messages, I would rather let them continue to pile up than read them in that moment. It’s too much, I am overwhelmed and I feel like I am behind and can never catch up.

I know, selfish of me right? I complain that I have no one to talk to, but then when people talk to me, I shut them out. But, picture this wouldn’t you rather have a meal and not just constant appetizers. I feel that at times when I talk with my friends (love them to death, don’t get me wrong) we don’t talk about the important stuff. 

Okay, let me not sit here and lie to you guys, at times we do talk about what’s going on in our lives, we have our real talks, but it’s not the same you know? Those talks one come around ever so often or when someone is really stressed. Even still, I don’t open up as much as I would like. And yes, that’s also on me, I get that. I own up to it. But, when you’ve been hurt like I’ve been hurt then you would be able to understand. (I feel like a broken record.)

Earlier today I googled what it meant to feel lonely and one of those test popped up. Even though it said it was not a diagnosis, a score of 30 or above constituted as ‘extremely or severe loneliness’ I received a 32.

I think to myself constantly, am I lonely or do I miss my best friend? Por que los nos dos?, you ask. Oh yeah, it’s definitely both. But who do I tell that to? fuck. I can’t tell him.

My biggest fear is being a burden on him again.

He’s already moved on with his life, I don’t want to continue bring him back into my crap. He has bigger things to work about than the crazy thoughts going on in my head. But, then I don’t want to be the same burden on someone else. Then I am still lonely because I don’t want to let anyone in because I don’t want to be a burden again. So, I still have no one to talk to.

I am in a vicious cycle and I don’t know how to get out.

For now, I’m tired. So I am going to bed.

Alex.