Take a Chance on Me

Every so often I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I wonder why I’m still single, I wonder why I haven’t completely dropped all the weight I’ve been working so hard to lose, I wonder if I’m on the right track, I wonder if I’m doing the right thing, I just wonder about so many things.

I have been trying to read my Bible more and pray more, it’s gotten a lot better, it I wonder if I’m doing enough.

I have this compulsive need to fix everything and I don’t always know how or if I do, I don’t have the money.

There was a job that I was really interested in and 100% could have done, but they don’t think I have enough experience. The unfortunate part is I know that I would have done a fantastic job. And if they would have just given me a chance to learn, perfect my craft, and show them what I can do i know they wouldn’t have been disappointed.

I hate that no one can see how great I truly am.

Better yet, I have that no one is willing to see how great I truly am.

I don’t want to be alone forever. I don’t want to have to be constantly finding a job that pays more. I want something that will cover my expenses and my parents expenses easily.

I’m fortunate to have so much and I don’t take it for granted. Not one bit.

I’m Not Alone, But I Am

I know that I am not the only person in the world who has gone through a traumatic experience. I get that. I truly do. But, I am the only me who has gone through one. When people say that they are there for you, I believe them I know that they are, but it’s not the same.

I have tried reaching out to support groups or people who have gone through something similar, but that’s also not the same.

What people fail to realize or simply what they fail to tell you is that, no matter how often someone says they will be there for you, it’s not the same as you being capable of being there for yourself.

If that makes sense.

Until, I can wrap my head around the fact that some days will just suck and I have to move forward regardless, it’s going to be hard for me to fully accept support from others.

This past weekend was the closest I have come to in a while when it came to self harming. For the most part, I have been able to distract myself or just not have triggers for a while now. I have just been that busy, which is good. However, this past weekend I felt as if something was wholly off and I wasn’t able to feel like myself.

Long story short, I made it through the weekend without a slip up and I am really proud of myself mainly because as much as I reached out to strangers it was truly to strength from within that kept me safe.

I tend to think the most about my incident when I am in my room on the weekends because for the most part I stay in my hotel bed all day. I also tend to think about what happened when I am at the gym because there was a point in time where I kept running into him. I also tend to think about him whenever I meet someone new that even remotely resembles him. I tend to think about it whenever I hear the words sex, or rape, or backdoor, or virginity, etc. Or even whenever I am out for drinks with friends I tend to think about it. I also think about it at work whenever I am going to the bathroom because I feel as if I am going to be attacked in the stall. I think about him/it whenever I am walking down the staircase. I think about him/it when I am listening to my audio-books or when I am watching TV.

Moral of the story: I think about that night a lot. More than I would like to admit. More than I can admit, because it hurts too much.

What they fail to tell you is that there is never NOT going to be a time when I don’t think about it. And even now when I do I still get that pang in my stomach of just hurt and realization that this truly happened and I wasn’t able to stop it.

See here’s the thing. I know that my friends will always listen to me if I have an issue or a problem, especially when it comes to this, but the problem is they haven’t experienced it. I pray to God they never will.. But, because of that, they don’t get the leaps that my mind takes whenever I am triggered. And let’s be honest, it’s not big triggers, it could be small, but I don’t know how to let them in.

I don’t know how to tell them that even though I may seem fine and I am fine…. enough, that I can still feel not 100%.

I know that I am not alone, but it does feel that way a lot of the time.

Alex

Self Confidence & Strength 

I’m constantly feeling lonely and occasionally unwanted. Which is partly why I clung (it’s a strong word, but I’m going to use it anyway) to the guys who finally gave me the time of day. I liked the attention, I never had it before and it felt nice to feel like I was somebody. But, at the same time, because it was all so new to me I questioned every aspect of it. Like, why me? What do they see in me now, that hundreds of guys beforehand didn’t see? Or, if they did see, why didn’t I notice and or why didn’t they tell me? 

I’m 24 and I’ve never had a boyfriend. At times, I’m like whatever I don’t care, I’m waiting for Mr. Right. But, then at times I feel like there has to be something wrong with me. I must not being doing something right. Or I’m simply not pretty enough, or small enough, or short enough, or whatever the case may be. 

Thus, in the same breath that I used to question why not me?, I’m now starting to ask why me? I’ve been shut down and pushed aside for so long, I’m starting to question my worth. I know I shouldn’t be looking for outward validation, but when you’ve been telling yourself you’re beautiful and you’re perfect just the way you are and nothing has come from it, you begin to wonder if you’ve been lying to yourself this whole time just to get you to sleep at night. 

Now, I’m not going to lie and they you that I have no self confidence, in fact before the incident happened I was actually gaining in confidence. I was working out, I was happy, I was loving who I saw in the mirror. I was damn sexy and I knew it. 

Granted, it’s been a long time coming. Growing up, I had little self confidence, I was fat, I didn’t care for my hair, at times. I didn’t think I was pretty and I was also subconscious of how I smelled (I sweat a lot.) Plus, I was/am tall, so being big and towering over people is no fun. But, that was the old me. It took me a long time to build myself up and in three nights (four really) it’s gone. 

I’ve been questioning constantly what people think of me. Do they talk about me, do they think I’m slut? Does he think I’m a liar? Does he know what happened? (even if he did, it wouldn’t be the whole truth.) 

So many things are going through my head all the time now, more so than normal. And it all has to do with how others are perceiving me. They don’t know the real me and I hate it. They just know the weaker, uncertain, version of me. And it’s all because I clearly don’t know how to act around guys who like me. If they do like me. To be honest, I think they just wanted to have sex with me.

& that’s not what I want. 

I want a relationship, I want a partner, I want someone to talk to. I don’t want a one night stand. And I definitely didn’t want what transpired to have happened, at the very least not like that. Not with someone I barely knew, in a city that’s not mine, in a hotel room, by force. 

I want more. I deserve more. 

Alexandria

But I Stayed

I said NO, but I stayed.

So what does that mean?

Does it mean that I wanted it?

Does it mean that I wasn’t strong enough to leave?

Does it mean that I just didn’t care about what happened to me?

I said no, but I stayed.

I didn’t enjoy any of it, because I wasn’t ready for any of it.

But, I stayed.

I should have gotten up and went back to my room, but I didn’t… 

I stayed.

I should have called it a night, the second I became too uncomfortable, but I didn’t… 

I stayed.

I’ve been asking myself every day since it happened why I stayed and I can’t seem to come up with a reason good enough to make it okay. Maybe I was curious. Maybe I liked the attention? Maybe I didn’t want to upset him by leaving? Maybe I didn’t want him to look at me differently? Maybe I was afraid to stand up to him?

But whatever the case may be, one thing remains the same.

I said no. I said stop. But, he didn’t listen.

alex…

Mr. Lonely

Have you ever felt the feeling of loneliness? No, not the ‘I don’t have anyone to hang out with on a Saturday night’ loneliness, but true loneliness. The kind where you’re constantly checking your phone hoping that someone would text you just to get you out of your own thoughts. The same kind however, that when the wrong person messages you, you simply can’t bring yourself to respond.

I have been waiting for one person to text me first for the past four years. He’s done it maybe 5 times. Yet, do I continue to wait? Of course, because those are the times were he actually needs me. Believe me, those are rare.

However, I tell my friends this all the time, I shut down when I’m overwhelmed. In our group message there are four of us total, including me. So when the three of them get on a topic or have a posting spree where multiple messages are arriving at once, you’d think that would fill the void that I’ve created for lack of contact, but it doesn’t. I shut down when I see 30 unread messages, I would rather let them continue to pile up than read them in that moment. It’s too much, I am overwhelmed and I feel like I am behind and can never catch up.

I know, selfish of me right? I complain that I have no one to talk to, but then when people talk to me, I shut them out. But, picture this wouldn’t you rather have a meal and not just constant appetizers. I feel that at times when I talk with my friends (love them to death, don’t get me wrong) we don’t talk about the important stuff. 

Okay, let me not sit here and lie to you guys, at times we do talk about what’s going on in our lives, we have our real talks, but it’s not the same you know? Those talks one come around ever so often or when someone is really stressed. Even still, I don’t open up as much as I would like. And yes, that’s also on me, I get that. I own up to it. But, when you’ve been hurt like I’ve been hurt then you would be able to understand. (I feel like a broken record.)

Earlier today I googled what it meant to feel lonely and one of those test popped up. Even though it said it was not a diagnosis, a score of 30 or above constituted as ‘extremely or severe loneliness’ I received a 32.

I think to myself constantly, am I lonely or do I miss my best friend? Por que los nos dos?, you ask. Oh yeah, it’s definitely both. But who do I tell that to? fuck. I can’t tell him.

My biggest fear is being a burden on him again.

He’s already moved on with his life, I don’t want to continue bring him back into my crap. He has bigger things to work about than the crazy thoughts going on in my head. But, then I don’t want to be the same burden on someone else. Then I am still lonely because I don’t want to let anyone in because I don’t want to be a burden again. So, I still have no one to talk to.

I am in a vicious cycle and I don’t know how to get out.

For now, I’m tired. So I am going to bed.

Alex.