Relationships 

You know what’s not fair? When I say that I want a boyfriend or that I want to be in a relationship and people come back with, 

“Oh, but you have the rest of your life to be in a relationship. What’s the hurry?”

The hurry is that I am tired of being single. The hurry is that I have done the single life, I’ve traveled and have had my own experiences. I’ve done what I want to do, and now I want to share that with someone else. Is that so bad?

I am not saying that I need a man, but why the hell can’t I have one? I get it, I’m young, I single, I’m independent. Whoop de freaking do? 

However, the problem is I’m alone. At night, I don’t have anyone to go home to, I don’t have anyone to texting me to see how my day was, I don’t have anyone to go to dinner, or the movies, or rock climbing or whatever the case may be. I don’t have anyone to be adventurous with or spontaneous, or even yet just someone to be bored with.

For those of you who think I should be able to do these things on my own and be happy. Fuck you. I never said I couldn’t. I simply do not want to. Why do I have to do things alone? Why should I be forced to be an independent black woman who don’t need no man? What’s the joy in having success if you have no one to share it with? And what’s the point of getting success if you’re just going to give it to the person you never grew with? 

Look don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to get married now, I don’t even know what I’m going to be doing in August. But, in reality, I am tired of being alone, I am tired of not having someone anyone really to share my secrets with. I tired of my current situation. That’s it.

Moral of the story: I shouldn’t have to be forced to do it alone either, and I shouldn’t be shamed for wanting to do it with someone. 

The Dating Game 

The problem I have with dating apps is… trifold? If that word is even allowed to be used in this instance. 

  1. I feel like I am forcing fate. 
  2. I don’t understand why guys swipe right on me. 
  3. I don’t feel like I am good enough. 

Now now, I know what you’re thinking. Gosh, she’s really hard on herself. But here’s the truth. I’ve never been the smallest girl in the room. Granted, I haven’t been the biggest either. But, I feel like that’s a huge factor for some guys. I’ve always been athletic, so I guess I have that going for me. But, until recently I haven’t actually stuck to maintaining a healthy lifestyle. This time I’m actually serious about losing the weight because I know I can do it and I want to see how good I can look. But, I digress this isn’t a fat post. Well, not entirely. 

Back to number one. Forcing fate and all that. I am a believer of “meet cutes” you know where you meet someone in like a coffee shop or restaurant or store and it’s like a great story to tell the kids in the future. You can’t have a “meet cute” online. What will I tell my kids, “Yeah sweetie, I swiped right on your father. And we’ve been together ever since.” How romantic? On that same note however, I don’t know why I’m thinking of forever with people I haven’t even met. But every time I am about to swipe right, I have to ask myself, “do I see myself with this person in the future?” (keep in mind that I have no way of knowing if they’ve swiped on me first before I swipe them.) Maybe I am taking it too seriously.

Numero dos. I am pretty hard on myself. But after hearing what my own friends do on the app (they just swipe tight on every girl, because it’s a numbers game and the girls have to initiate the conversation first so if they end up not liking her they don’t respond.) I wonder if the people who swiped right for me, I wonder if they’re genuine. To be honest,  I know there is a reason for everyone to pick anyone, I want to know what my catch is. How do I lure people in? 

And finally, because I’m falling asleep. (Correction, fell asleep, woke up and now I’m finishing this.) I know that the thought of me not being good enough is just another way I continue to bring myself down, but it’s still there. I see all these guys doing great things and then there’s me. After they meet me, will they think I’m still as amazing as they once imagined or will they be disappointed? 

But hey,  none of this even matters if they don’t respond, right? 

Alexandria