Is it an Anniversary or Not?

Is it weird that I’ve come to think about today as sort of an anniversary?

Tonight will mark two years, two years since I lost a part of me. Two years since that part of me was taken away to a point where I know for a fact I can’t get it back. I have been thinking about this date for a while now. Trying to figure out how I was going to react to it, considering the fact that I’m currently in California again right now.

No, I am not in San Diego again. But yes, I am on a project. So, I think that’s what makes it different. That’s what makes me wonder how I am going to be this year. I am currently in San Francisco, so Northern California. At first, I was nervous because I thought that he was going to be here as well and since this is a longer contract I didn’t know what I could have done to avoid him for so long. But, Thank God, he’s not here. I found that out early on.

But there is a guy here that I can’t tell how I feel when I am around him, I can’t tell if I feel uncomfortable or not. But, I’ll go into that a little later.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand, if you can call it that. I have been patiently awaiting this day for some time now. A couple of weeks ago, well closer to a month really, I self harmed again. This time is was more aggressive but less destructive? If that makes sense. I didn’t use my normal means, but I did leave marks this time, which I normally don’t do. And I also felt as if I couldn’t necessarily control myself? I just got so angry with everything, but also just angry for no reason. I was also just overwhelmed with everything being put on me. And I felt like I had a lot more random bouts of crying and I just felt so alone. I thought about reaching out to my friends and asking them to at the very least talk to me, but it was hard to make that step, because they’re so busy. And I know that they said and constantly say that no matter what they would drop what they were doing, so to speak, for me but, I can’t seem to wrap my head around that.

So, instead I get stuck in my head, and stuck in my thoughts, and essentially stuck on a loop that never seems to be ending of how I am,

  1. Not worth their time &
  2. I don’t know how to explain why I am feeling the way I am feeling. So,
  3. What’s the point of bringing it up anyway?

I think for me that’s been the scariest part of these two years. There are times where I am so overwhelmed and consumed by emotions that it literally terrifies me. Even writing this, I am afraid of how I am going to feel afterwards because I don’t know if this will be cathartic or destructive.

It doesn’t help that my friends are in a time zone 2 or 3 hours ahead. And that’s why I felt so stuck last time. I had no one to talk to. I was alone and the people that could’ve helped were asleep. It sucked.

For now however, I am going to start the day like a regular day. I want it to be regular day. I don’t want to be consumed y this anymore. I just want to enjoy my Friday while I look forward to the weekend.

I am not defined by this. I know that. Not just because I have been told that, but also because I am so much more! I just need some time to make sure that solidifies in my head.

Alex.

A Trip

I took a trip to to New York to visit some friends. I took a trip to get out of the constant feeling of always being needed to do something. I took this trip because I needed a break.

I don’t know if it’s helped.

I’ve been here two nights and each one consisted of nightmares. Well, technically not, but they were weird and bad dreams.

Two nights ago, my first night, I don’t really remember what I was dreaming about, but I know I didn’t like it. I also kept waking up every other hour which was frustrating.

Then last night, I had the type of dream where I woke up within the dream and started to become hysterical. I was hyperventilating and I started to cry. The more I cried the worst it got. My friend woke up as a result and tried to comfort me, but that just made it even worse. It got to the point where I couldn’t stop and was in a full blown panic attack and I finally woke myself up in real life, but in a similar panic of heavy breathing. My heart was racing and I felt like it was going to start all over again. But, I was able to calm down after about 20 minutes.

I’ve never had a panic attack, so I’m not entirely sure what it’s supposed to feel like. But that sure as hell felt like one and it was terrifying even if it was just a dream. It just felt so real and it came out of nowhere which I think is what made it worse.

Aside from the fact that I haven’t been sleeping well, my trip so far has been good. I’m halfway through and I feel relaxed and I’m even starting to hear back from jobs that I applied to. Positive things.

I hope the rest of the trip goes well and I hope the bad dreams stop.

Relapse

I don’t know what to do.

& I don’t know what happened.

But, I’m afraid that it’s going to happen again.

Long story short, November fucking sucked. My family was in an accident and I’ve been taking care of my mom, who fractured her back, and sister, who ruptured her Achilles tendon and consequently had a blood clot.

I’ve been the one waking up in the middle of the night giving pain meds. I’ve been the one making meals, cleaning, and shopping. I’ve been the one to take them to the ER and stay with them when they’ve been admitted. I’ve been the one to do everything.

I became a nurse and a mom overnight.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind it because it’s something that I just had to do. Well, I didn’t mind it. At first. But now. I’m tired. I’m tired of only being the one called. I’m tired of only being the one who cooks and cleans. I tired of constantly trying to make everyone happy. I’ve been taking care of them, with no one to take care of me.

I’ve had two breakdowns this month.

The first one, I was extremely tired and exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically just lost it after going to the gym. I called my friend to try and calm me down and she suggested I contact my doctor. I did. And it wasn’t what I expected and we ran out of time.

During that breakdown, I ended up self harming again. It was the only thing that I could do to get the thoughts to stop. It was the only thing I could think of to do to get my mind off everything that was happening around me. It was the only thing I could do for myself.

After that time, I had to snap out of it because I had responsibilities as a nurse mom and I couldn’t focus on myself, right? I had no time. So I pushed my emotions aside and got back to work.

Today, well yesterday. It happened again. I got overwhelmed with everything that was going on and all the responsibilities I have to do that don’t belong to me and I sat in my car and drank. For two reasons, 1. I didn’t want to go inside and be bombarded with requests to do something. & 2. I didn’t want my family to know that I was drinking, especially not that much.

When I got inside what do you know, I was already being asked about tomorrow. Can you do this, take me here, help with that. Like, can I breathe for one moment before you start the attacks.

All day I had been thinking about getting a tattoo that says, breathe or just breathe on my wrist. So when I came back today, I thought it would be a good idea to write it on just to see what it would look like. The pen turned into a razor I found and I ended up self harming again.. I think this might have been the first time I did it while drinking. But regardless, it happened. And I not to sure that it won’t happen again.

I just want to go somewhere where people don’t need me to take care of them, but instead I’m the one being taken care of. I want to go where people don’t know me. I just want to go somewhere. Anywhere. I just don’t want to be here anymore. At least not right now.

Alex.

Me Too 

It’s not fair. 

When I see other women and they are so put together & they say that they are survivors of sexual assault as well. I don’t think it’s fair that they are okay & I’m not. I know that it will take some time. But, when will I get to stand tall & proud I say that I survived too? Because as of  right now, I don’t see myself being able to to do that…ever.

When will I be able to say that it no longer affects me? 5 years from now? 2 years? 1 month? 2 more  weeks? The fact that I will never know when I’ll be myself again is what bothers me most. I know I have to take it one day at a time, but these days are getting harder and harder. 

I’m so tired. But, not only that I feel so guilty. I feel as if I’m complaining too much. I feel like I should just get over it because it wasn’t that bad. I feel as if I should be happy, because I’ve lived a blessed life. I’ve had some trials here and there, but overall it’s been good. So I feel like I shouldn’t complain. I feel like I have no right to do so.

And that’s what makes some days harder than others. I am in this enormous amount of pain, but I don’t feel like can express that. There are days where I am overwhelmed by sadness, but I feel like I’m not allowed to be, or at the very least l don’t think I can be.  But then there are days when I’m completely fine. 

I just want to go home. I just want to be happy again. I just want to go back & stop it from happening, so l don’t have to feel this way anymore.

I regret everything…

Well there goes that… 

I’m no longer a virgin.

Well, technically not?

…Fuck, I don’t know.
The following information is:

NSFW

but it’s based on real life events. My life. It’s difficult to explain and pretty vulgar.

I guess I attempted, well he attempted, okay I guess it’s not an attempt because it actually happened. We had anal sex. I didn’t want to & it didn’t last long because it hurt too much. He tried twice. But, I still couldn’t take it, so eventually he stopped.

Prior to that however he tried to have vaginal sex with me, but I definitely didn’t want that. But, he was relentless and just kept saying it’s just the tip, it’s just the tip. Although, it definitely felt like more than that. It all happened so fast and he was almost fully inside, without a condom, and without me being on birth control. It was the tip and then some and that’s why I was so scared. I can’t get pregnant, because I don’t believe in abortions. I can’t get pregnant because I’m not married. And I can’t get pregnant because I don’t know him. And this day in age I am too smart to know how not to get pregnant. So if I did, I’m just stupid.

I made him put a condom on though before I turned over for him to go in the back way. Which probably made it worse because then there was less lubrication. I didn’t want it to happen, but he was already inside before I could say no. I did say no, and I did make it stop.

The hardest part for me is that I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I want. I know I don’t want to get pregnant which is why I didn’t have sex with him. Honestly, that was probably the MAIN reason I didn’t have sex with him. That oh and the fact that, I don’t know him, nor love him, nor is he my husband, nor did I want to. So I fought harder to make sure that didn’t happen.

I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. I wanted to twice, but I couldn’t. Because there was nothing to cry about. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t mad. I’m just confused. And now I’m hurt and bleeding.

My period isn’t supposed to start until next week. I woke up this morning bleeding. No other period systems, like chronic cramps, and fatigue. None of that. Just bleeding. At first, I thought it was spotting. And now it’s pretty consistent. I don’t know what to do. I guess it’s probably just my period. Which is good because that means I’m not pregnant. So I think I might just have to wait it out.

I’m sorry this is so detailed. But, I don’t have anyone else that I can talk to. When I get back home, (currently across the country) I’ll set up an appointment to meet a new psychologist for the third time in the life and go from there.

Date of delflowerment: April 26th, 2017

Alex.

I Need To Stop Doing This To Myself

Damn Daniel,

Back at it again. Similar atmosphere, different guy, rougher conditions..

I guess I should stop going back to guy’s rooms, huh?

He didn’t go too far, well actually he didn’t do anything. He just kept pinning me down: on the chair, on the bed, against the wall. He also kept grabbing my face and was trying to kiss me.

He did, however, the very last time he had me pinned in my room, try and force my hand down to his you know what.

Basically, all night he wouldn’t let me leave, and then said, “Oh I’m just messing with you. I love messing with you. I wish you could see your face. If you didn’t want to kiss me you could have just said no.”

Let the record show, I said no & I said stop, several times.

Half of me was turned on by what was happening and the other half was worried that he would take it a step too far and actually not let me go.

Does that make me a bad person? 

Either way though, I was extremely nervous about the situation and he could tell that and that’s partly why he continued to mess with me, which I didn’t like. Because I thought he was being serious and I was genuinely scared.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. Granted, I’ve never had guys want me before so this is all a new experience for me and I guess I’m just trying to figure out how to handle myself.

Of the three guys in the past week who have tried something with me, I reciprocated one. Because, I like him.

But, like I said. I’ve been hit on more times in the past week than I have in my entire life. So you know when you get too much attention too fast it all goes to your head? Yeah, that hasn’t happened yet. I’m still just trying to figure out what my appeal is as well as trying to build my confidence. I’m all talk and little action and guys just need to respect that for now.

I’m also not trying to sleep with someone I just met. That’s not, nor will that ever be me.

Alexandria

I’m Okay, But Not Really. I Will Be. 

This past weekend was my first sexual experience. Yes, you heard me right. My first. What does that mean exactly? It means that no, I didn’t have sex, yes he asked me if I was sure, and of course my response was yes. Hard to follow? He was a gentleman.

Needless to say, I was exposed to other things, but my inability to commit and follow through made it hard. (bad choice of words)

Anyway, that’s besides the point. I’m writing this post after two days of processing and contemplating if what I did was wrong, right, whatever. Also, with the help of a very good friend, I didn’t fall back into old habits which was good. Although, it was tempting to punish myself in more ways than just mentally. I even thought of just saying you know what fuck it, I’ll fuck him. Which would have probably been the worst form of self harm I could do.

If you’re wondering why it’s so bad to just have sex, I’ll tell you why. I plan on saving myself until marriage or at the very least until I have a stable and boyfriend that I see myself marrying. My first time is not going to be with someone I meet less than 48 hours earlier.

Now where was I?  Ah, yes. Guilt, shame, regret. All things I felt after than night and all the next day. Guilty: I felt as if I led him on. Here’s the text I sent, you be the judge:

“Huge shot in the dark here: & if you want to go out and do something else I understand, no worries. But, would you like to have a chill night drink and watch a movie with me? I’ll even let you pick the movie.”

Keep in mind this took me one hour to craft and I had to close my eyes to send it. I expected him not to respond, but of course we all know he did. Okay, okay, I get it now. I essentially asked him to Netflix and Chill, but I sent it as an innocent request. He took it as the non-innocent one. Obviously. So, when things started happening, I had to let him know that I wasn’t interested in having sex. Why you ask? I’m a Virgin.

Shame: I felt absolutely terrible that I led him on. I knew that I didn’t want to have sex, but I knew that he would interpret it as such and I went ahead it with anyway. I was also ashamed that I was so inexperienced and a lot of things were fumbled. I also felt the shame of my own body, which is mostly why nothing happened. I’m not comfortable enough with my body to fully expose it to someone else. I can’t even imagine why he likes me and that 1. Pisses me off. 2. Makes me extremely sad. I mean don’t get me wrong. My face is gorgeous, but my body isn’t a ten. So why did he want to touch and be inside of it? I know, those are definitely things that I need to work out internally, and accepting your body probably also comes with the territory of being more experienced. So there’s hope right?

Regret: Honestly, my biggest regret, and feminist of the world do not attack me, was the fact that I did not satisfy him. I tried, but I just wasn’t emotionally ready. I felt bad that I wasted his time, gave him blue balls, ruined his night. Only one of this things I know for sure, here’s a hint it’s the one that contains a color. Even though he said it was okay. Well, he “it is what is”. Whatever the hell that means. Another thing I regret is that I didn’t leave early. When he finally knew that he wasn’t going to be getting any, I should have left then. But, I didn’t. And it’s what happened after that I wish I didn’t happen.

Moral of the story: Don’t put yourself in situations where you are not ready, mentally or physically.

I have worked through my demons on this one, so I think I’m done writing for me.

Oh, but to make matters worse, I like him.

Alexandria

So many thoughts…and not enough words.

This tends to happen to me a lot. I get OVERWHELMED with the thoughts that are in my head and I feel the need to write them down, but I physically can’t.

This is also why I haven’t finished my book. I know how I want certain scenes to playout I know who the characters are and I know what’s going to happed to them, but I can’t bring myself to writing it all down because it’s to much. My hands literally cannot type as fast as I can think.

This is always why I have this nasty habit of jumping from one thing to another because that’s how the thoughts are arranged in my head. I find myself skipping words when I type because my brain can’t process what my head want to do.

Back to the initial point at hand, I didn’t want this post to be about my book. I want it to be about the new year, I wanted it to be about how I was going to change certain aspects of my life while retaining others. It was going to be about my resolutions and how I plan on keeping them this time. This post was also supposed to be written days ago. Here’s a shocker, I’m rarely on time for things.

I also tend to get distracted easily. In the 5 minutes since I have begun this post I have been distracted about 7 times. I keep stopping and starting, and wondering what I am going to type next.

This post wasn’t even supposed to be this long. This was supposed to be two maybe three paragraphs of how I was supposed to write, how I didn’t, why I couldn’t, and what is causing my emotional break today. I haven’t even gotten to that. I haven’t even had the chance to tell you that today is my father’s birthday. And that my mother, I know you’re not supposed to start a sentence with and, gave him a birthday cards with words printed on it that came from a loving wife, and proceeded to write in her own words which read, and I’m not not quoting.

I wish this was how we are. This is how we used to be, and this is how I felt. But, not anymore. I am lonely and unhappy and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I told you this expecting you to change and you haven’t.

Happy Birthday right?

Alex.