Is it weird that I’ve come to think about today as sort of an anniversary?
Tonight will mark two years, two years since I lost a part of me. Two years since that part of me was taken away to a point where I know for a fact I can’t get it back. I have been thinking about this date for a while now. Trying to figure out how I was going to react to it, considering the fact that I’m currently in California again right now.
No, I am not in San Diego again. But yes, I am on a project. So, I think that’s what makes it different. That’s what makes me wonder how I am going to be this year. I am currently in San Francisco, so Northern California. At first, I was nervous because I thought that he was going to be here as well and since this is a longer contract I didn’t know what I could have done to avoid him for so long. But, Thank God, he’s not here. I found that out early on.
But there is a guy here that I can’t tell how I feel when I am around him, I can’t tell if I feel uncomfortable or not. But, I’ll go into that a little later.
Anyway, back to the issue at hand, if you can call it that. I have been patiently awaiting this day for some time now. A couple of weeks ago, well closer to a month really, I self harmed again. This time is was more aggressive but less destructive? If that makes sense. I didn’t use my normal means, but I did leave marks this time, which I normally don’t do. And I also felt as if I couldn’t necessarily control myself? I just got so angry with everything, but also just angry for no reason. I was also just overwhelmed with everything being put on me. And I felt like I had a lot more random bouts of crying and I just felt so alone. I thought about reaching out to my friends and asking them to at the very least talk to me, but it was hard to make that step, because they’re so busy. And I know that they said and constantly say that no matter what they would drop what they were doing, so to speak, for me but, I can’t seem to wrap my head around that.
So, instead I get stuck in my head, and stuck in my thoughts, and essentially stuck on a loop that never seems to be ending of how I am,
- Not worth their time &
- I don’t know how to explain why I am feeling the way I am feeling. So,
- What’s the point of bringing it up anyway?
I think for me that’s been the scariest part of these two years. There are times where I am so overwhelmed and consumed by emotions that it literally terrifies me. Even writing this, I am afraid of how I am going to feel afterwards because I don’t know if this will be cathartic or destructive.
It doesn’t help that my friends are in a time zone 2 or 3 hours ahead. And that’s why I felt so stuck last time. I had no one to talk to. I was alone and the people that could’ve helped were asleep. It sucked.
For now however, I am going to start the day like a regular day. I want it to be regular day. I don’t want to be consumed y this anymore. I just want to enjoy my Friday while I look forward to the weekend.
I am not defined by this. I know that. Not just because I have been told that, but also because I am so much more! I just need some time to make sure that solidifies in my head.