Relapse

I don’t know what to do.

& I don’t know what happened.

But, I’m afraid that it’s going to happen again.

Long story short, November fucking sucked. My family was in an accident and I’ve been taking care of my mom, who fractured her back, and sister, who ruptured her Achilles tendon and consequently had a blood clot.

I’ve been the one waking up in the middle of the night giving pain meds. I’ve been the one making meals, cleaning, and shopping. I’ve been the one to take them to the ER and stay with them when they’ve been admitted. I’ve been the one to do everything.

I became a nurse and a mom overnight.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind it because it’s something that I just had to do. Well, I didn’t mind it. At first. But now. I’m tired. I’m tired of only being the one called. I’m tired of only being the one who cooks and cleans. I tired of constantly trying to make everyone happy. I’ve been taking care of them, with no one to take care of me.

I’ve had two breakdowns this month.

The first one, I was extremely tired and exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically just lost it after going to the gym. I called my friend to try and calm me down and she suggested I contact my doctor. I did. And it wasn’t what I expected and we ran out of time.

During that breakdown, I ended up self harming again. It was the only thing that I could do to get the thoughts to stop. It was the only thing I could think of to do to get my mind off everything that was happening around me. It was the only thing I could do for myself.

After that time, I had to snap out of it because I had responsibilities as a nurse mom and I couldn’t focus on myself, right? I had no time. So I pushed my emotions aside and got back to work.

Today, well yesterday. It happened again. I got overwhelmed with everything that was going on and all the responsibilities I have to do that don’t belong to me and I sat in my car and drank. For two reasons, 1. I didn’t want to go inside and be bombarded with requests to do something. & 2. I didn’t want my family to know that I was drinking, especially not that much.

When I got inside what do you know, I was already being asked about tomorrow. Can you do this, take me here, help with that. Like, can I breathe for one moment before you start the attacks.

All day I had been thinking about getting a tattoo that says, breathe or just breathe on my wrist. So when I came back today, I thought it would be a good idea to write it on just to see what it would look like. The pen turned into a razor I found and I ended up self harming again.. I think this might have been the first time I did it while drinking. But regardless, it happened. And I not to sure that it won’t happen again.

I just want to go somewhere where people don’t need me to take care of them, but instead I’m the one being taken care of. I want to go where people don’t know me. I just want to go somewhere. Anywhere. I just don’t want to be here anymore. At least not right now.

Alex.

Wild Wild Thoughts 

I feel like if it happens again, this time I will be able to control the outcome.

Does that make me an terrible person?

I want to be put in a similar situation again, so I can prove to myself that I CAN and will control the outcome this time.

Now, does that make me a terrible person?

I’m afraid that every interaction I have with a guy is going to end up the same way.

Am I doing something to lead them on?

Sometimes, I want it to happen again.

I am not leading them on.

If I can prove to myself that I am strong enough to make the right decisions and stand my ground, then maybe I won’t have these thoughts anymore.

But, as I write that, the first thought that comes to mind is that I shouldn’t have to fight you off to get you to stop.

I shouldn’t have to, but I did, and I lost.

How will I know next time will be different?

I know not all guys are the same, but it’s hard to separate what he did, from what all men are capable of doing.

I don’t know for certain if next time will be different, but I know I will be different.

Alex.

Mr. Lonely

Have you ever felt the feeling of loneliness? No, not the ‘I don’t have anyone to hang out with on a Saturday night’ loneliness, but true loneliness. The kind where you’re constantly checking your phone hoping that someone would text you just to get you out of your own thoughts. The same kind however, that when the wrong person messages you, you simply can’t bring yourself to respond.

I have been waiting for one person to text me first for the past four years. He’s done it maybe 5 times. Yet, do I continue to wait? Of course, because those are the times were he actually needs me. Believe me, those are rare.

However, I tell my friends this all the time, I shut down when I’m overwhelmed. In our group message there are four of us total, including me. So when the three of them get on a topic or have a posting spree where multiple messages are arriving at once, you’d think that would fill the void that I’ve created for lack of contact, but it doesn’t. I shut down when I see 30 unread messages, I would rather let them continue to pile up than read them in that moment. It’s too much, I am overwhelmed and I feel like I am behind and can never catch up.

I know, selfish of me right? I complain that I have no one to talk to, but then when people talk to me, I shut them out. But, picture this wouldn’t you rather have a meal and not just constant appetizers. I feel that at times when I talk with my friends (love them to death, don’t get me wrong) we don’t talk about the important stuff. 

Okay, let me not sit here and lie to you guys, at times we do talk about what’s going on in our lives, we have our real talks, but it’s not the same you know? Those talks one come around ever so often or when someone is really stressed. Even still, I don’t open up as much as I would like. And yes, that’s also on me, I get that. I own up to it. But, when you’ve been hurt like I’ve been hurt then you would be able to understand. (I feel like a broken record.)

Earlier today I googled what it meant to feel lonely and one of those test popped up. Even though it said it was not a diagnosis, a score of 30 or above constituted as ‘extremely or severe loneliness’ I received a 32.

I think to myself constantly, am I lonely or do I miss my best friend? Por que los nos dos?, you ask. Oh yeah, it’s definitely both. But who do I tell that to? fuck. I can’t tell him.

My biggest fear is being a burden on him again.

He’s already moved on with his life, I don’t want to continue bring him back into my crap. He has bigger things to work about than the crazy thoughts going on in my head. But, then I don’t want to be the same burden on someone else. Then I am still lonely because I don’t want to let anyone in because I don’t want to be a burden again. So, I still have no one to talk to.

I am in a vicious cycle and I don’t know how to get out.

For now, I’m tired. So I am going to bed.

Alex.

 

Questions to my Ex-Best Friend

What happened between us?

Was I too intense for you?

How come you never opened up to me like I opened up to you?

What happened?

Did you ever truly know how much pain I was in?

Do you think of me?

Can we ever go back to a normal relationship?

Did we ever have a normal relationship?

Do you think of me?

Do you know that I think of you? (Not constantly, but enough.)

Did I hurt you?

Are we still friends?

Were we ever friends?

Did you know you were my best friend?

Did you know that you were the person who hurt me the most?

Because of the relationship we had and how much I trusted in you and how much you turned around to hurt me and didn’t think twice, I can’t trust anyone anymore. You hurt me, you really did. I loved you and you took that for granted. I trusted you and you took that for granted. I let you into my crazy messed up world and you took that for granted. Now, I won’t let anyone in for fear of them getting sick of me like you did. I am sorry that I was too much for you. I am sorry that I feel things too deeply. I am sorry that I sometimes got emotional over little things. I am sorry that I am crazy. I am sorry that I didn’t know when to stop. I am sorry that I lost you. I am sorry that this hurts so much. I hate that this hurts so much. I hate that I can’t talk to you. I hate that even if I do talk to you it’s never going to be the same. I hate myself for causing this situation to happen. I hate you for letting this situation happen. I hate myself for losing you. I want my friend back. I want my best friend back. I want the person who knows all of my secrets back. I want you back.

But, I know I can’t have that. None of it.

I hate that. I hate myself. & I hate you.

Alex.