Always Silenced

I feel as if every time I want to open up, something happens. Something always comes comes up and I feel silenced, and I feel as if I have missed my opportunity. Then the ten seconds of bravery that I did have, I lose. And I never truly get it back until I eventually break and then what’s the point of that?

It also doesn’t help that I can never really gather my words to actually express what I want to say.

It doesn’t help that I can never really gather my mind to figure out how I feel.

I keep fighting with myself that I am not allowed to feel this way.

I keep telling myself that I shouldn’t be feeling this way.

I keep reminding myself that I don’t need to feel this way.

And I keep saying that I am making it all up.

Like, is it all in my mind? Am I actually feeling this way or do I just want attention?

But if it’s all for attention, then why don’t I share what I am feeling to get that attention?

Why don’t I call up my friends every night or every other night to let them know that I am feeling lonely or sad, or that I haven’t stopped thinking about those nights all day.

Or maybe I should tell them that every time I go to workout I think of him at least once, because remember I was training for a Tough Mudder at the time and he would come into the gym as well to work out.

Should I tell my friends that when things start to wind down on the weekends is when I have the free time to actually remember the things that happen and for the past two weekends I’ve had boughts of tears.

How do I let them know that as the time is slowly approaching and the second wave of the project is happening in April again, I desperately wanted to be on the that project for reasons I can’t even bring myself to say out loud.

You know it’s gotten to the point that the most upsetting thing isn’t the actual incident itself, but how much time has past and what’s happened in the aftermath.

How do you explain out loud the fights that you’re having in your head?

Wild Wild Thoughts 

I feel like if it happens again, this time I will be able to control the outcome.

Does that make me an terrible person?

I want to be put in a similar situation again, so I can prove to myself that I CAN and will control the outcome this time.

Now, does that make me a terrible person?

I’m afraid that every interaction I have with a guy is going to end up the same way.

Am I doing something to lead them on?

Sometimes, I want it to happen again.

I am not leading them on.

If I can prove to myself that I am strong enough to make the right decisions and stand my ground, then maybe I won’t have these thoughts anymore.

But, as I write that, the first thought that comes to mind is that I shouldn’t have to fight you off to get you to stop.

I shouldn’t have to, but I did, and I lost.

How will I know next time will be different?

I know not all guys are the same, but it’s hard to separate what he did, from what all men are capable of doing.

I don’t know for certain if next time will be different, but I know I will be different.


Reality: Yours, Mine, & Actuality

You know what I just realized today:

     We go through life creating and remembering memories that are from our perspective only. Every life event, good or bad, is from our point of view.
    Isn’t it crazy that the same life event that can be detrimental and have a long lasting effect on you, can be essentially meaningless or not as important to someone else? Even if you experience that same life event together?
There’s reality and then there’s our version of reality.
     Sometimes they line up and sometimes they don’t. And only in those special instances do they line up with the other person that experienced the same situation as you.
     Today, I met up with a friend from school. The Friend. The Friend that I have been alluding to all this time. He was my best friend growing up, I told him everything, and anything. He knew all of my secrets and all of my fears and all of my random thoughts. He knew more about me than any other person. Like I said, he was my best friend.
     Then, we had a falling out sophomore year and everything changed. That was a pivotal moment for me and talking about it today, it’s as if he didn’t remember it, but I can’t forget it. I was devastated and felt as if I lost a part of me. I opened up to him and he shot me down. So as a result, I stopped opening up to people because I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone. I didn’t want them to react the way that he did, which was bad. He essentially said that my problems were too much for him to handle and that I should go see a therapist and stop using him as one. 
It’s crazy the moments that stay with you, but flee others.
      It was as if none of it mattered. As if I made it all up. But, I know I didn’t. I know that the feelings that I had were real. The pain I felt was real. The tears I cried were real.
My reality was real.
      Lately, I’ve been thinking back to the night of the incident and I wonder why was my reality so different than his. Did I remember it differently? Did I create a different reality? Is there one reality that’s more important than another? Why isn’t mine important?
      The moral of the story is this: We travel through life being affected by things that only effect us. We laugh, we cry, and we live our own life. But, if we don’t tell others how certain circumstances affects us, then they’ll never know. 
It all just makes you question, how can one event be interpreted so many different ways?
And who’s reality is the correct one?


Things I’ll Never Say

Avril Lavigne wrote a song entitled, “Things I’ll Never Say” and those lyrics have been on repeat in my for the last hour. Of course I’m going to tell you why, but first the lyrics.

I’m searching for the words inside my head

‘Cause I’m feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect

If I could say what I want to say

Guess, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say

It don’t do me any good
It’s just a waste of time
What use is it to you
What’s on my mind
If ain’t coming out
We’re not going anywhere
So why can’t I just tell you that I care

Things I’ll Never Say – Avril Lavigne

Earlier today, at work I had to take Theo who is entering into 8th grade in the fall to get some books, because all the books that he has at home are at a reading level that is way too young for him. While we were searching for books, which was a chore (tell me why this kid didn’t even want to go into the bookstore instead he wanted ME to go in alone and pick out a book for HIM to read. When I asked if he was serious he said yeah, you would know what I would like to read. Like Boy, Bye.)

Anyway, while we were in there he found a couple of books and then handed my the book 13 Reasons Why. To which I replied, I don’t know if you are old enough to be reading this book and anyway I have to ask your parent’s first. But, he claimed that he’s seen the show and that he parent’s knew that he watched it. So I said we could get it, but I still wanted to run it by them of course.

Parts of me was like, yeah this book is definitely too mature for him, but then other parts were like he was interested in a book and really wanted to read it, so who am I to stifle that, especially when he hates reading.

Long story short we get home, both parents say no. Dad was an aggressive no and didn’t want him reading or watching the show and was mad when he found that he did watch a little bit of it. Mom was just like a shocked, “yeah no”.

Which really got me thinking, At what age did I learn about suicide?

I think I was about his age. I don’t know if you guys remember the website Xanga. But, Xanga was where I first started online journaling. I had two pages. One for all of my poems that I used to write (they weren’t really poems just stream of consciousness middle school angst) and another was about my everyday woes of middle school. Anyway, since my poem page was more of a secret page I had followers on there that I didn’t really know. I met a girl on there who used to harm herself and we started talking. At first, I just really wanted to help her, she was looking for a friend and I thought I could be that one. I think she had written on her blog that she had been hospitalized a few times for suicide attempts and I think that was the first time I had really heard anything  about the word or someone wanting to do it.

Growing  up in church, you learn that suicide is a sin. Growing up in my household, you learn that suicide is selfish.  So, I learned both.

Side Note Confession: I have thought about suicide a lot. Never far as to how I was going to do it, just really death in general. For instance, as I am driving I think about how easy it would be for me to  get into an accident. And not even necessarily with another person, I think about ramming my car into walls or off bridges, etc. Aside from cars, I’ve thought to myself a couple times during self harm incidents what would happen if  I cut too deep and couldn’t stop the bleeding. I have never acted on these thoughts obviously, but they are unfortunately still there.

The Xanga girl was one of two interactions that I online with suicidal people.  The second one was a friends little sister. Somehow we started messaging on AIM and she told me her story and how she didn’t want to live anymore and I just talked to her. I made sure she was okay, and didn’t want to harm herself so permanently anymore.

I bring this all up just to say, and I asked my friends when they learned about suicide to get a general census (they all said about middle school age), at what age can kids start to learn about it. Also, why not now? If he’s (Theo) is interested why not let him read it and we discuss the themes within the book.

I get not letting him watch the show, I don’t even want to watch the show, the first thirty minutes is already vastly different from the book and I don’t approve. Not only that, everyone that I have heard that watch the series has said that it glorified suicide which I  am not here for. But, what I don’t get is why we’re so afraid of the topic. Some people have said that maybe it might put the idea in his head if it wasn’t already there. I feel like that’s not wholly plausible. If someone never thought about murder and watched Dexter or How to Get Away with Murder, I don’t think the idea is now in their head to go and commit murder.

But, I  definitely get it. Wanted to shield your child is something that every parent goes through. But, at what point in time are you making subject so taboo that they will feel comfortable coming to you. I know for a fact that I couldn’t go to my parents about suicide because they would just shut it down as something that’s selfish and stupid. So I kept that and a lot of things inside. There were and still are so many Things I will Never Say for fear of rejection, judgement, and disappointment. But, it’s not fair you know?

I’m not just talking about suicide now, but all the things that make us uncomfortable. It’s not fair that we can’t talk about them. Or that we are not allowed to talk about them. I shouldn’t feel uncomfortable talking about the female reproductive system with my girls, or sex in general, or anything of importance. I feel like I have tried to be perfect for so long I have forgotten how to be vulnerable.

There were so many things that I was told not to talk about by so many people that I have just stopped talking about everything.  I am very selective when it comes to sharing my information with my friends because at the end of the day I don’t want to get hurt. It’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to them as my friends because it looks as if I can’t trust them.

The moral of the story is this, I feel like there are certain things that we should talk about openly now that way people don’t feel ashamed to talk about them later in life. Because God forbid Theo’s ever suicidal, I want him to be able to go to someone to talk about how he’s feeling without fear of judgement and ridicule.

I just want him to be able to be open and honest about the same things I am having trouble with expressing now. Which is basically everything.

Alex. ❤



But I Stayed

I said NO, but I stayed.

So what does that mean?

Does it mean that I wanted it?

Does it mean that I wasn’t strong enough to leave?

Does it mean that I just didn’t care about what happened to me?

I said no, but I stayed.

I didn’t enjoy any of it, because I wasn’t ready for any of it.

But, I stayed.

I should have gotten up and went back to my room, but I didn’t… 

I stayed.

I should have called it a night, the second I became too uncomfortable, but I didn’t… 

I stayed.

I’ve been asking myself every day since it happened why I stayed and I can’t seem to come up with a reason good enough to make it okay. Maybe I was curious. Maybe I liked the attention? Maybe I didn’t want to upset him by leaving? Maybe I didn’t want him to look at me differently? Maybe I was afraid to stand up to him?

But whatever the case may be, one thing remains the same.

I said no. I said stop. But, he didn’t listen.


Letting Them In

How I do I tell my friends that I am not the person they think I am? How do I let them know that they strong, confident, courageous, out going person they see me as is somewhat different from the person that I am behind closed doors.

How do you even approach a topic like this. Oh, by the way there’s something that I need to tell you. You in fact don’t know everything about me, here are the crazy parts that I have been conveniently leaving out for the past 5 years.

Look, I am not saying that I haven’t shared some things with them, but when you have been hurt the way I have in the way that I have you find it very difficult to open back up to people. i.e. when your best friend basically states that your friendship wasn’t what you thought it was and that they were tired of you, and that you need to in fact seek help for your problems, you tend to become more closed off with your emotions.

I used to be transparent when it came to talking about things, at least with him and now I am as clear as mud in the middle of a torrential downpour. Why should I be forthcoming with my feelings if I am not sure of how people are going to take them?

But, I guess that’s life right? And trust and all that jazz. I guess what I am getting at, is it too late to let people into your world of crazy? At what point has that door closed for good?

And if it is still open….

How do you even take that first step inside?

Questions to my Ex-Best Friend

What happened between us?

Was I too intense for you?

How come you never opened up to me like I opened up to you?

What happened?

Did you ever truly know how much pain I was in?

Do you think of me?

Can we ever go back to a normal relationship?

Did we ever have a normal relationship?

Do you think of me?

Do you know that I think of you? (Not constantly, but enough.)

Did I hurt you?

Are we still friends?

Were we ever friends?

Did you know you were my best friend?

Did you know that you were the person who hurt me the most?

Because of the relationship we had and how much I trusted in you and how much you turned around to hurt me and didn’t think twice, I can’t trust anyone anymore. You hurt me, you really did. I loved you and you took that for granted. I trusted you and you took that for granted. I let you into my crazy messed up world and you took that for granted. Now, I won’t let anyone in for fear of them getting sick of me like you did. I am sorry that I was too much for you. I am sorry that I feel things too deeply. I am sorry that I sometimes got emotional over little things. I am sorry that I am crazy. I am sorry that I didn’t know when to stop. I am sorry that I lost you. I am sorry that this hurts so much. I hate that this hurts so much. I hate that I can’t talk to you. I hate that even if I do talk to you it’s never going to be the same. I hate myself for causing this situation to happen. I hate you for letting this situation happen. I hate myself for losing you. I want my friend back. I want my best friend back. I want the person who knows all of my secrets back. I want you back.

But, I know I can’t have that. None of it.

I hate that. I hate myself. & I hate you.