I’m a Villain

Do you ever feel like you’re the villain in your own story? Not just metaphorically, but actually.

Today, I realized that I’m a complete asshole. I’m a bitch. I’m a terrible person and an even worse daughter.

Today, I made my father cry. It was subtle, but it was there.

I didn’t realize that what I was saying actually affected him until he came to me and said so.

What’s wrong with me?

How can one person be so cruel? I thought I was jokingly speaking to him, but apparently not.

Here’s the story:

He asked what happened to the Rumchata that was on the counter? And I said, ‘well you drank it all. It’s gone. What do you mean?’ I said it with the same attitude I’ve had towards him for most of my life (which I know is a problem). He said he didn’t drink it all and I just kept saying he did, like he drank the Fireball and all the other drinks I bought. And I walked away and left him standing there.

For context, we’ve had this or a similar exchange before. But this one was different.

He came to my workstation with tears in his eyes and said something along the lines of, ‘Even if I did drink it, it was only a small small sip. I can’t have that?’ then he walked away.

Of course, I immediately got up and went to him and gave him a hug, which to be honest I don’t remember the last time I did that. Granted, we’re not a hugging family like that. But still, I hugged him and apologized and told him I loved him and he told me a story of his childhood.

I honestly hate that I am this way. I feel like I know the underlying reasons for it, but it still sucks that I can’t bring myself to change. We’re not getting any younger and time is just constant flying by and I am wasting it by being the way I am.

I am a terrible person and daughter. I know that. I’ve known that. But, I haven’t acknowledged really. Maybe now in doing so, I can learn to change.

Alex.

Changes

I feel like I am being changed by the people in my environment and I don’t know if I like it. I don’t know if it’s a positive change. I just know that it’s not me.

For example, I just recently bought a straight wig, one because I have always wanted it and two the opportunity presented itself when I was in the wig shop with my co-worker. Don’t get me wrong, the hair looks amazing, and I look amazing and I feel good wearing it (sometimes). But, the reactions that I received from it just made me feel like my natural hair and my natural self isn’t enough. I love my hair in an afro, and yeah at times I could style it a bit more but I love big, curly, and unruly hair. But now I feel like I should wear my hair differently because others like it better. Because it makes me better?

Example #2. We get car rentals for this project and usually I don’t care what car I get as long as it’s a car, right? However, my co-workers are bougie people and they feel that they need to have the best of the best wherever they go. So currently two of them are driving Range Rovers, mainly because they’ve been renting cars longer than me and they have the upgrade privileges, but also because they’re bougie. However one of my other coworkers is driving a regular car and I feel like I should have just listened to her when she said to get whatever car I wanted. When the time came for me to pick up my car yesterday they asked if I wanted a Nissan Maxima or if I wanted a Chrysler 300 (which was the first car I had, that my bougie coworkers swooned over) and I chose the Chrysler because I wanted to impress my co-workers. I’ve regretted that decision since I’ve driven off the lot, because I should have picked the other car, not only to try something new but because it’s still a nice car regardless of name. And it would have been my choice to get it. I know it sounds like a stupid thing to complain about or take issue with, but the problem is that I feel like I’m not doing things for me but for others. And I don’t like it.

I don’t want to be anyone other than who I am. And if I do change I want it to be because I am growing up, not because I am conforming or changing to who other people expect me to become.

I’ve always maintained that I didn’t care what other people thought of me (for the most part), but now I feel like I am constantly on display and being judged by everyone around me and I just need to do whatever I can to measure up to them.

I don’t like it, at all.

Same Story, Different Day

Where do I even begin?

A part of me doesn’t even want to write this because what’s even the point? I write, I feel worse, then I feel better, but at the end of the day who reads it?

There are so many emotions and so many thoughts that are going through my head that I don’t know where to start, and when I finally do my fingers can’t keep up.

I guess I’ll start with highlights?:

  1. I just got back from vacation in Japan. It was absolutely amazing. There were a few hiccups getting there and I didn’t get everything I should have while I was there, but all in all, it was a great trip.
  2. I start work again in a couple of weeks. I haven’t had a paycheck since September of last year and before that it was June. I have been living off of my savings for the past few months and it’s been extremely stressful.
  3. I have gained a lot of weight so my fitness journey has been severally altered.
  4. More so before my trip, but also since I’ve been back I have been thinking about harming myself. Not because of something specific that happened, I mean yes, but not really.
  5. I have become a lot closer with my older sister.
  6. I have solidified the idea that I don’t have a best friend. I am very lonely and I don’t feel like I am being listened to.
  7. I am afraid to be constantly complaining, so I keep things to myself as much as I can. Which is also why I tend to withdraw from situations.
  8. I guess I got my wish. I am going back to California in April. Only this time, it will be San Francisco.

So, a lot has happened. A lot will continue to happen and I hate that I am going through it all alone. You don’t know how lonely you truly are until you come home from a vacation and realize you have no one to share your stories with.

The other day, I opened up to my friends about a idea that has always been floating around my head about my views/stance on sex and my incident and they ignore it completely. Not even on person acknowledge what I said. For reference, here is what I sent them. Some background, we were talking about sex and the pressure we feel to wait and if our religious upbringing was a cause. But, also the feeling of it all just being taboo. Also, I was abroad when the conversation happened so I couldn’t respond until about 2:30am their time.

I know I’m late to the conversation and it’s late where you guys are, but… I definitely agree that we’ve put so much pressure on the event itself. A few months ago I wasn’t doing to hot and I was essentially fighting with myself again about what happened. Unpopular opinion coming: I got to thinking that if I was more open to sex and essentially more willing or not waiting that what happened in CA, wouldn’t have happened. It would have just been another night. Chalk it up to the game, as they say. It sucks to think that way, but I do. I still think it’s something that’s special and it should be done with someone who at least likes you for you, and not for your body. But, I do agree that the narrative around it is semi toxic. But it’s also spared me a tragic downward spiral of sexual partners. So that’s good right? I do think that as a group we don’t talk about it enough. It’s a normal everyday activity that people think about and do. I myself have to stop shying away from the conversation when others bring it up, but it’s not taboo, y’all are right on that one.

Not one of them respond to a word I said. There are three of them. One of the girls at 10am posted a link about something irrelevant and to do with the royals. And that was that. The conversation was over. They all got to talk about and converse about the topic, but once I chimed in it was over.

This is why I have friends, but I still feel alone.

This is why I don’t open up.

This is why I feel like I am a better friend to them than they are to me.

This is why I don’t have a best friend.

This is why.

I am so tired of this. I am tired of feeling this way. And I am tired that no one is listening.

Alex.

New Year, Please Change

Something’s got to give.

Anything. 

I am so tired of feeling this way.

I am so tired of complaining about feeling this way.

When I get in my moods it’s hard for me to come out of it. It’s also hard hard for me to explain everything that’s going on in my head. I just want to stay away from people and not have any interactions.

I am supposed to have a call with my friends today, but I wasn’t feeling it since the morning and now I have a sort of out. I am going to the movies with my brother. I honestly just don’t want to do anything.

My parents already pissed me off this morning and that had put me in a sour mood all morning. I am starting to lighten up now that I am going to the movies, but still.

I feel like this is not going to end. I feel like this is my life now and I am so so very tired of it. I just want things to change. I want them to get better. I need them to. Because I’m tired.

ALEX

Quick Life Update

It’s been a while since I have written. And I hate for you guys to think that I only write when my life is falling apart, but that seems to always be the case. Mainly, since it’s the only thing that keeps me together.

However, this time it’s not falling apart. It’s been better than ever. 

These past few months, I have actually been really happy. I have been working consistently, I have been eating healthier, working out, and speaking more of my truth to my friends ( i.e. letting them in more on my day to day life). Needless to say, I have been living my life like it’s golden.

In fact, this past week I actually went back to California to visit the family that I used to work for ( they moved out there last August) and I spent a week with them and I really  enjoyed myself and hanging out with the kids.

For whatever reason, I thought that maybe I would have a trigger of some sorts, but to my surprise, I didn’t think of him once. Not once. Not even one time. Looking back at it, I am completely happy that he isn’t even on my radar anymore. However, a part of me is saddened that that part of my life is over now. Because I feel that if I don’t remember it was it really significant enough to do all the damage that it did. I know the logical answer is yes, but still. It’s something I think about.

Granted, I am no longer the person who needs to obsess over it, or talk it out, or avoid talking it out, or cry over it, or get upset that I am not crying over it, or simply even think about it at all. In fact, I haven’t thought about it. Like I said, AT ALL. And yes, I am ecstatic, I am elated, I am joyful, and thankful, and blessed that I no longer have to deal with that part of my life anymore. I am still concerned that I am concerned that it’s over.

But, hey. No more dwelling. Here is the truth:

I have been traveling constantly the last 6 months for work and this past week started  my two month travel adventure. I get to go to camp three times, I am meeting up with my friends, I am going to travel somewhere with my sister (don’t know where yet), hopefully I am going to Bermuda. But, moral of the story is, I will be busy making happy memories with the people I love, surrounded by people who love me, and I couldn’t be happier.

I feel great and I am not ashamed about that anymore.

Goodbye & Goodnight

Alex.

Always

You will always be my 2am text.

You will always be my drunk text, my tipsy, text, my ‘I’ve only had one drink’, but I want to talk text.

You will always be the person who knew me at my lowest and who I want to see me at my best.

You will always be my best friend, my confidant, my rock when I don’t need it & when I don’t deserve.

You will always be the person who hurt me the most and helped me the most.

You will always be my someone, even if you don’t want to be and even if you don’t know it.

& I will always need you.

Alex.

My Year in Review

A Month-to-Month Guide of How 2017 was Both the Best and Worst Year

January (January 6th):

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For months my friends and I had planned to drive to Tennessee to surprise our fourth friend in the group. She’s in law school and has absolutely no time to herself because she’s too busy taking care of everyone else. So we thought it was time to get the band back together. The four of us hadn’t been in the same room together since graduating college in 2015. We had the perfect plan and her mom was involved and everything was set. However, Mother Nature had other plans. The morning we were supposed to leave it started snowing in Tennessee. We still thought that we could make it, but our friend’s mom called and said that people were already starting to get stuck on the side of the road. We were three hours away, I still needed to change my tires, and we hadn’t left by 9am.. So we called it. We didn’t go and thus began the most disappointing year. I just didn’t know it yet.

February (February 17th):

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For my friend’s 25th birthday, she wanted to go on a cruise. So if you know me. You know I love cruises. So of course I went. That month I was still working out, I decided to be healthy and I was at a very good weight! I was happy with my body,  with my hair, with myself, with life. I really enjoyed that cruise and the people I went with and the things we did. I went ATVing for the first time through a jungle, who else can say that they did that?

March (March 8th):

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Needless to say, I was high on life. Right after the cruise, I received a contract. A much needed one, since I spent so much gambling, haha, but that’s a story for a different day. I also decided to sign up for a Tough Mudder, so I started to train for that, and luckily there was a gym right next door to the hotel I stayed at so I could work out for free! It was perfect. I was in great shape, working out everyday (almost), but still enjoying life and eating all the good food that Newport News, VA had to offer. Surprisingly, it was a lot. It was a great month honestly. I was still happy, I was on the right track and everything was going so well. I didn’t know that it was the calm before the storm. How could I have known?

April (April 8th & April 23rd; April 26th):

Before:

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At the beginning of the month I was ecstatic. I received yet another contract and this time it was in sunny San Diego, California. I’ve never been and I was super excited to go. My friend’s grandmother lives there and she goes there like 5 times a year, so I convinced her to come join me for a weekend. The first weekend, I hit up all the sights by myself, like the beaches, the Zoo, In & Out Burger, etc. The second weekend when she came, we went to Balboa Park, Olde Town, all the good brunch spots, and the Gaslamp District. It was great! It was also the day after the first incident. I think back now, maybe if I told her then, everything would have turned out differently. But, then again I did tell someone, and I didn’t take his advice.. Granted, I know I should have, but hindsight is 20/20. Regardless, the first three weeks of April were great, I was still working out, the Tough Mudder was at the end of the month, and I was still eating all the good food. I was happy, I was healthy, I was feeling myself. I was confident. All of this is also probably what contributed to my demise. But like I said,

how could I have known?

After:

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On April 26th, 2017, my life changed forever. I was in a situation that I no longer wanted to be in, but I couldn’t get out of it. Yes, I went there out of my own free will, and the night was okay for a while, but when things started happening that I wasn’t okay with, he didn’t listen. I’m not going to go into grave detail, not again, but I keep replaying that night over and over again, to this day. I am still torn, I don’t know if I did everything I could have done and I don’t know if I contributed to it in any way. But, what I do know is I told him I wasn’t ready and that I wanted him to stop, and he told me to relax and that nothing was happening. He got what he wanted because I was scared.

May (May 21st):

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Another month, another project. The month started off with me telling one of my close friends what happened. It was kind of a relief to get it off my chest and to get some things clarified, but it was the first time I said it out loud and that made what happened to me real. Which means that I could no longer pretend that it didn’t.

Dallas, Texas. I was there for three weeks and during those three weeks I ended up self harming. It was the first time in LONG time that I had done so, and I was so disappointed and angry that it came to that. But, I was just so upset that I wasn’t feeling “the way I was supposed to” (according to whose standards? I have no idea), so I thought I would take matters into my own hands. However, not all of May was bad. Parts of it was good because one of my friends got married and it was a lovely ceremony. The month ended with me getting some sort of infection on my lip, which sucked, and a family reunion, which was great!

June (June 25th):

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June started off as a really good month. It was my mom’s birthday so we got to celebrate that. We went to a Nigerian engagement party and we looked fantastic, if I do say so myself. I was doing well. But, like I said, how could I have know what was going to happen next?

The morning of Father’s day I woke up to a charge of almost $800 on my credit card. Long story short, I left my wallet in the car and the window was left down just enough that someone was able to reach in, unlock the doors, and take my cards. That broke me, that was the finally straw, that was my low, or so I thought (until months later). Anyway, as a result I finally let the rest of my close group of friends in on what I have been dealing with the last few months, because I was tired of pretending that everything was okay when it wasn’t. The month ended with a trip to Savannah, GA that had been planned for months, that I didn’t want to take anymore, but I am glad I did because I had a great time.

July (July 7th):

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More Traveling. So I think it goes without saying that this year alone I have traveled more than I have in my entire life. That was a goal of mine for the past few years and I am glad that I was able to make that happen with this year. The month of July was particularly busy.. I went to Maryland for a conference with my family, then I went to Orlando to spend the weekend with my friend and her new baby, and then I went to South Carolina for another project. While I was there my sister and her friend and I took a day trip to Charleston. Finally, I ended the month in Houston for about a week. So I was busy, to say the least.

Like all my other months, this one started off well and then started to slip. On my way to my SC project (I drove), I had a mini breakdown. I don’t know why, I don’t know what caused it. But, for three hours I was on the verge of tears. I cut myself off from social media and I tried to take care of myself on my own, mainly because I didn’t know how to explain what was happening to me. And then there were a few times where I was just immobile because of my emotions, it was scary. Eventually, I realized that I hadn’t let myself fully feel all the emotions that came with what happened to me, because there’s always been something else that I needed to do, or accomplish. Life essentially got in the way of my emotions. It was the first sign of my depression, but I didn’t know it at the time. This is also why I went to Houston, I needed to spend time with my friend and to get out of my own head.

August (August 27th):

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August was a month of new adventures for me. The family that I had been working with for the past three years was moving to California. That was definitely bittersweet for me, because at the time I didn’t know if I was still going to move with them or not. I also was a Camp Advisor (co-Camp Advisor as seen in the photo) for the first time. The Camp that I was involved with during my college years, the one that changed my life, finally gave me one week of a whole new experience. Needless to say, August was a great month. I was back to being happy and almost back to normal.

September (September 3rd):

20170903_154622[1]It only took nine months, but we finally made it. The “Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Spinsterhood” (what we call ourselves) was finally reunited Labor day weekend. It was definitely a long time coming and a really good weekend. We ate, we laughed, we took pictures, and we walked everywhere, almost. But most importantly, we were together. More great things that happened that month: I got a new phone, I was finally off from work (after my Labor Day weekend trip I was home for one month), I went to Yelp events and I continued my trend of eating good food. I think since the incident August and September were by far my greatest months. But, what have we learned? Do I even need to say it at this point? Fine, for those who weren’t paying attention. How could I have known what was going to happen next?

October (October 4th): 20171004_181541(0)[1]

There’s no point in lying or even sugar coating it. October was the worst month of 2017. Remember that depressive episode I was talking about in July? That was nothing compared to what happened this month and there was no way I could have known to what extent it would go. I was working 12 hour night shifts every day for four weeks straight. I was fine the first week or so, but then I don’t know what happened. I was crying almost everyday, I wanted to go home so bad,  and I wanted to be away from everyone. I was exhausted and tired and constantly reliving what happened. It wasn’t good. It got to the point were I was crying in the bathroom at work and one night I had the strongest urge to self harm and I was about to, but my team leads came to check up on me to see how the night was going. It was my lowest low and I was scared of what was happening to me and what I was capable of doing.

November (November 12th)

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I had about a week in between my October project and this November one and I jsut ended up sleeping most of the time. My next project was in New Jersey, day shift this time, thank God. Since it was so close to New York and I have a friend who lives there I decided that I would go and celebrate my birthday there. On my actual birthday, I went to a restaurant with my aunt, who happened to be on the same project, and the following weekend I spent time with my two friends from college.

But, of course, November was also another busy month, because I had just gotten off a project, and then I came to this one, just to fly back for a wedding for a day and then I had to fly back the next day because I had to work. So I was just exhausted. But, as the month went on, the days got easier, and my sanity slowly returned. I came home for Thanksgiving and spent time with my friends and family, so that was a nice break. I also finished applying to school so it was definitely a weight lifted off my shoulders.

December (December 10th):

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The final month. The beginning of December was not the greatest. After all the festivities of the previous holiday,  I just wanted to lie in my bed and never leave. Which is what I ended up doing. I didn’t willingly leave the house for two weeks. Simply put, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to go anywhere, or do anything, and I was constantly complaining. In fact, it got to the point where I was annoyed with myself for constantly complaining  about my weight, but not actually doing anything to fix it. I think it was the photos from my birthday is where I realized that I had gained so much weight, and when I finally stepped on the scale I found out that I had gained thirty pounds since April. That’s a lot, I was at my heaviest I had been since in like 6 years. Originally, I was supposed to be twenty pounds less than where I was in April, but I guess life had other plans. So December ended up being a rude awakening, that just because something happened to you doesn’t mean you have to let it ruin your entire life.

Lessons Learned:

  1. Always follow what you want to do, don’t let anyone else push you to do something you’re uncomfortable with.
  2. You don’t always get what you wish for, you get what you work for.
  3. Stop letting other people control your happiness. It’s okay to be selfish and do what you want to do.
  4. Step outside of your comfort zone, sometimes it might be worth it.
  5. Enjoy the life you’re given. Embrace both the challenges and successes because both make you who you are.

I know it was a long post, probably my longest one to date. But, 2017 was a year and this was a much needed recap to remind myself that I still had a pretty good year despite everything that happened. I am blessed that I have my family and that we are all healthy. I am blessed that I have my friends and that they are all healthy. I blessed that we as a collective whole, even though we all had a pretty tough year, we made it through. And most importantly I am happy that I was finally able to open up to my friends, which is something that I wanted to do for a long time, I just never had the courage to do so. Granted, there are still some days where I can let them in more, but baby steps.

I pray that 2018 will be better and I will try my best to make sure that it is.

Happy New Year in Advance!

Alex.

Wild Wild Thoughts 

I feel like if it happens again, this time I will be able to control the outcome.

Does that make me an terrible person?

I want to be put in a similar situation again, so I can prove to myself that I CAN and will control the outcome this time.

Now, does that make me a terrible person?

I’m afraid that every interaction I have with a guy is going to end up the same way.

Am I doing something to lead them on?

Sometimes, I want it to happen again.

I am not leading them on.

If I can prove to myself that I am strong enough to make the right decisions and stand my ground, then maybe I won’t have these thoughts anymore.

But, as I write that, the first thought that comes to mind is that I shouldn’t have to fight you off to get you to stop.

I shouldn’t have to, but I did, and I lost.

How will I know next time will be different?

I know not all guys are the same, but it’s hard to separate what he did, from what all men are capable of doing.

I don’t know for certain if next time will be different, but I know I will be different.

Alex.

No One Asked

You know what I have been thinking about these past few nights? I have told 6 people total that I was raped and not a single one of them asked if I was going to press charges.

Why not?

You think that if someone told you that a crime was committed against them that they would want that person to pay for what they did. But, no one asked if I was going to press charges. Or at the very least, no one asked what I was going to do about it. One of the reason I hesitated to tell anyone was because I didn’t feel like I was ready to deal with the consequences and the aftermath of what happened. But, it never came.

Why is that?

I know it’s not a subject that people want to talk about, believe me. And I know it’s hard to know what I want at times, believe me. It changes constantly. But, why is it okay that I could tell you that I was violated in the worst way possible and your best response is “Fuck that guy” and not “Let’s go after that guy and make him pay for what he did!” Now, I am not saying that that is what I want to do, by any means. The thought did cross my mind, but as quick as it came it left. But, at the very least, why didn’t anyone bring it up? How come they were just so accepting of what happened and so giving of their apologies and condolences? This is not okay. I am not okay, and a ‘no one should ever have to deal with this’ just doesn’t suffice anymore.

What’s wrong with America?

Why is okay that women can be attacked feel that they should just stay silent about it? Why is it okay that I had no control over what happened to my body and there’s still nothing I can do about it? Why is this okay? WHY IS IT OKAY!? It’s not. And it shouldn’t be.

Why am I accepting this? Why do I have to be the one who suffers and he can just go on and live his life like normal? There are absolutely no repercussions for him and that’s my fault. I am the one that’s letting him get away with this. I am the one that’s too afraid of what everyone else would think about me that I can’t even face facts and let the world know that he’s an awful person. But, is he? Or is just what he did awful? And maybe that’s also something that is holding me back. Maybe the fact that I am still separating what he did, from who he is, is what’s holding me back. But, should I be? Is that the right thing to do? Are the two separate?

I don’t want to feel like I am still doing the wrong thing, by not reporting it. But, what’s the point really? There’s no more physical evidence. There’s nothing left, expect for ‘he said, she said’. So, at this point, is it really worth it? By me containing the situation, I am containing the reactions of others. I am able to limit the amount of lives that this affects. Including my therapist, as of right now it’s only 8. (The irony is that’s my favorite number). Maybe, I should just leave it at that. I should just drop the entire situation and try to move on with my life, sicne I can’t do anything to change what happened. But, I can change how I react to it.

I am tired of reacting to it. I am tired of dealing with it. I am tired of feeling helpless. I am tired of worrying about this. I am tired of creating ways to make myself miserable. I am just so tired. I want to live my life, the way it was supposed to be, but I can’t anymore because this is now apart of it.

This was never supposed to be apart of my story and now that it is, I don’t know how to cope. I don’t know how to live without constantly thinking about it, about him, and about how this has and is consuming my life. At times, I feel like if I don’t think about it, or a I don’t talk about it, then maybe it never happened. Maybe, I was just overreacting. I don’t know how I am supposed to respond to this. I don’t know what I am supposed to do. And whatever it is, I don’t think that I am doing it right. I have become to consumed by this.

In fact, I feel as if I am living two separate lives. Perhaps three.

  1. The life that my family believes that I am living: Happy, healthy, working, and applying to school.
  2. The life my friends think I am living: Happy enough for the most part, healthy enough for the most part, and applying to school.
  3. The life that I think I am living: Happy for a moment and miserable the next, healthy enough at this moment, but I was healthier before and could be doing better, and applying to school.

As much as a I am dreading grad school homework. I am actually genuinely excited about it. It’s one of the few life goals that I have right now that I am still happy about. I feel like it’s the only thing that I have done/ am doing for me. Yes, I am a consultant, but my sister helped me start with that. Granted, I have earned my own keep since, but it wouldn’t have been possible without her. And trust me, she doesn’t let me forget it.

Grad school is something that will prove my worth. It is something that will make this whole thing worth it. It’s a way for me to prove to myself and to everyone else, that I am actually good at what I do.

I am actually really good at what I do.

Contrary to how it seems with me barely holding it together at times, I am very good that the things that I put my mind to. I just have felt that in the recent past, people don’t seem to believe that. And maybe it’s because I continue to do things for other people and they don’t seem to understand/recognize my worth. But, I am a damn good person, friend, and educator.

Why isn’t that enough? Why do I have to keep proving that? Or maybe I don’t, but it sure as hell feels like I do. Grad school applications are basically you selling yourself and saying that schools should pick you over other people. I am so tired of proving my worth. I am so tired of continually saying that I am good enough to be here.

I am good enough to be here.

Other people believe it, why can’t I?

I just want to move on, but I feel like I’m stuck.

Help,

Alexandria.

Edit: I take that back. One person did. The first person I told. She did ask. But, only her.

Thoughts: Real & Imaginary Intrusive Ones 

So I know you’re probably tired of hearing about what happened to me, almost as much as I am tired of talking about it. However, there are times when I need to talk about it, in order to get through it. This is one of those times. 

Early this week, I was having a few of my bad days. I was in a funk or a fog, and I just couldn’t shake it. I reached out to one friend and she helped for a bit, but then stopped. I reached out to another friend, same situation. But, then I reached out to the friend who was my outcry witness, because she’s been the only one to actually talk me through whatever I’ve been feeling. She’s been able to rationale my emotions. However, I’ve been hesitant to reach out to her all this time for a few reasons:

  1. She’s in law school. 
  2. Her mom is going through a lot and is having surgery soon.
  3. Her family already puts a lot of pressure on her to help them out. They rely on her.
  4. She doesn’t take enough time for herself. 
  5. I did not want to add to her current stress and have to worry about me.

So with all of that floating around in my head, I haven’t reached out to her until recently. Until, I knew that I couldn’t do it on my own anymore.  But, like I knew she would, she helped she gave me real responses, reassuring sentiments, and I felt her care.

So on to the thoughts. There are two kinds that have been invading my mind. The first set consists of the events that transpired because of you know who. It’s as if my mind is forcing me to relive it constantly any time I am even slightly triggered. Granted, there are times when I can stop it, like if I’m at work or busy. But, then there are times when they don’t go away and I have to relive it over and over and over again…

What’s even worse is when my mind decides that what happened to me wasn’t enough. So, it creates a what if category:

  • What if he finished and I got pregnant and I had to have his kid? 
  • What if he had something and now I’ve contracted it to?
  • What if he hit me instead of that one time choke hold?
  • What if I had just left and gone back to my room and back to sleep?
  • What if I was strong enough to stop him from taking off my clothes?

I feel like I tried so hard to make him stop. I did, I know I did. But, he was so strong and so determined. Even still, why do I feel like such a failure? Why do I still feel like I caused this to happen? Why can’t I just put 100% of the blame on him? What’s wrong with me? How can someone have sympathy for their rapist?

I just want these thoughts to go away. All of them. But, I know they won’t because I can’t pretend like it never happened, because it did happen. So now I have to find a way to live with the consequences? Results? Outcome? Aftermath.

It’s just getting harder and harder and there’s less to distract yourself with.

Alex.