I’m Okay, But Not Really. I Will Be.¬†

This past weekend was my first sexual experience. Yes, you heard me right. My first. What does that mean exactly? It means that no, I didn’t have sex, yes he asked me if I was sure, and of course my response was yes. Hard to follow? He was a gentleman.

Needless to say, I was exposed to other things, but my inability to commit and follow through made it hard. (bad choice of words)

Anyway, that’s besides the point. I’m writing this post after two days of processing and contemplating if what I did was wrong, right, whatever. Also, with the help of a very good friend, I didn’t fall back into old habits which was good. Although, it was tempting to punish myself in more ways than just mentally. I even thought of just saying you know what fuck it, I’ll fuck him. Which would have probably been the worst form of self harm I could do.

If you’re wondering why it’s so bad to just have sex, I’ll tell you why. I plan on saving myself until marriage or at the very least until I have a stable and boyfriend that I see myself marrying. My first time is not going to be with someone I meet less than 48 hours earlier.

Now where was I?  Ah, yes. Guilt, shame, regret. All things I felt after than night and all the next day. Guilty: I felt as if I led him on. Here’s the text I sent, you be the judge:

“Huge shot in the dark here: & if you want to go out and do something else I understand, no worries. But, would you like to have a chill night drink and watch a movie with me? I’ll even let you pick the movie.”

Keep in mind this took me one hour to craft and I had to close my eyes to send it. I expected him not to respond, but of course we all know he did. Okay, okay, I get it now. I essentially asked him to Netflix and Chill, but I sent it as an innocent request. He took it as the non-innocent one. Obviously. So, when things started happening, I had to let him know that I wasn’t interested in having sex. Why you ask? I’m a Virgin.

Shame: I felt absolutely terrible that I led him on. I knew that I didn’t want to have sex, but I knew that he would interpret it as such and I went ahead it with anyway. I was also ashamed that I was so inexperienced and a lot of things were fumbled. I also felt the shame of my own body, which is mostly why nothing happened. I’m not comfortable enough with my body to fully expose it to someone else. I can’t even imagine why he likes me and that 1. Pisses me off. 2. Makes me extremely sad. I mean don’t get me wrong. My face is gorgeous, but my body isn’t a ten. So why did he want to touch and be inside of it? I know, those are definitely things that I need to work out internally, and accepting your body probably also comes with the territory of being more experienced. So there’s hope right?

Regret: Honestly, my biggest regret, and feminist of the world do not attack me, was the fact that I did not satisfy him. I tried, but I just wasn’t emotionally ready. I felt bad that I wasted his time, gave him blue balls, ruined his night. Only one of this things I know for sure, here’s a hint it’s the one that contains a color. Even though he said it was okay. Well, he “it is what is”. Whatever the hell that means. Another thing I regret is that I didn’t leave early. When he finally knew that he wasn’t going to be getting any, I should have left then. But, I didn’t. And it’s what happened after that I wish I didn’t happen.

Moral of the story: Don’t put yourself in situations where you are not ready, mentally or physically.

I have worked through my demons on this one, so I think I’m done writing for me.

Oh, but to make matters worse, I like him.



You know what’s not fair? When I say that I want a boyfriend or that I want to be in a relationship and people come back with, 

“Oh, but you have the rest of your life to be in a relationship. What’s the hurry?”

The hurry is that I am tired of being single. The hurry is that I have done the single life, I’ve traveled and have had my own experiences. I’ve done what I want to do, and now I want to share that with someone else. Is that so bad?

I am not saying that I need a man, but why the hell can’t I have one? I get it, I’m young, I single, I’m independent. Whoop de freaking do? 

However, the problem is I’m alone. At night, I don’t have anyone to go home to, I don’t have anyone to texting me to see how my day was, I don’t have anyone to go to dinner, or the movies, or rock climbing or whatever the case may be. I don’t have anyone to be adventurous with or spontaneous, or even yet just someone to be bored with.

For those of you who think I should be able to do these things on my own and be happy. Fuck you. I never said I couldn’t. I simply do not want to. Why do I have to do things alone? Why should I be forced to be an independent black woman who don’t need no man? What’s the joy in having success if you have no one to share it with? And what’s the point of getting success if you’re just going to give it to the person you never grew with? 

Look don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to get married now, I don’t even know what I’m going to be doing in August. But, in reality, I am tired of being alone, I am tired of not having someone anyone really to share my secrets with. I tired of my current situation. That’s it.

Moral of the story: I shouldn’t have to be forced to do it alone either, and I shouldn’t be shamed for wanting to do it with someone.