Unpopular Opinions

In April of this year, as many of you already know, I was raped by a co-worker.  It took me a while to come to terms with what actually happened and that it was in no way my fault. Although, there are still some days where I have to keep reminding myself of that aspect.

Prior to the rape, I was sexually assaulted by the same individual. I told him what I was comfortable with and where my views were on sex and he completely disregarded it.

Since my assaults, I have been placed on birth control (mainly because I was already going to get on it for painful periods and slightly because of fear that it will happen again) and I have been seeing/speaking with a therapist regularly.

I have come to terms with the fact that I will forever be a victim of a sexual assault, but it doesn’t define who I am.

I have also come to terms with the fact that I did not cause my first two assaults, because I knew what I wanted and what I didn’t, but when someone is stronger than you are there really is little you can do.

However, I haven’t come to terms with the fact that I did not cause my rape. Parts of me still blames myself for even putting myself in that environment and in that situation. I have however forgiven him for what he did. But, and this is where the unpopular opinion comes in, I haven’t forgiven myself.

I know, I know, what you’re thinking, but this is my truth, for now, and I have to own it.

I was weak, I was new to the attention and the advances and I guess I cracked under it all. It’s sad that all it takes is for a guy to pay attention to you to lose a part of who you are. But, it was more than that, I know. He was aggressive from the beginning and I took that as flirting and him knowing what he wanted. I thought there was something about me that he was interested in. And there was, it just wasn’t my personality, but my private parts.

I realized too late that I was nothing but a body to him. When we flirted it was nothing more than surface stuff and he never really tried to get to know me, so that should have been a red flag from the beginning. He was just after one thing, and he basically got what he wanted.

So I forgive him for using me, I forgive him for assaulting me, and I forgive him for everything really. Because there’s nothing that I will gain by not doing so. But, I will gain peace and serenity from doing so.

Unfortunately, over the past week I realized something about myself that will get some getting used to and some fixing. I have come to realize and vocalize the fact that I am a certified people pleaser; I am constantly doing things for other people. Now listen, there is nothing wrong with that. But, when it hinders your ability to do for yourself, that’s when it becomes a problem.

I tend to put other people’s wants and needs before my own, whether they know it or not. I check in on people constantly, I make sure that, if they are going through a tough time, they are okay. I let my presence known that I am there for them and that they can reach out to me anytime. In short, I am a damn good friend. 

However, as a result of my constant need to put others first, I tend to get hurt in the process. A lot of what happened between me and the co-worker I did not want to happen, but clearly his needs overcame mine. Don’t get me wrong now, I did ask/tell him to stop several times and I said I wasn’t ready and I didn’t want anything to happen, but he didn’t listen. But, I didn’t put myself first and fight harder. I was afraid of the repercussions, afraid of what he would think, feel, say or do. To say the least I was also paralyzed in fear.

As a result, I actually want to see him again. Not to confront him, or even tell him what he did was wrong, but to prove to myself that I can stand up to him if he tries to make advances at me. I want to prove that I am strong, well, stronger now than I was before.

In reality, I just want to prove that to myself. Actually, I need to prove it to myself. But most importantly, I need to start putting myself and my needs first.

Alex.

 

You Are Still Alive

 

Act like it. 


Every so often I will hear a word or a verse or someone will say something or I will watch a video like this one and things are put in to perspective.

These past two weeks have been really hard for me. I was in a really low place, but with the help of some friends who forced me to get out of my comfort zone and encourage me to let them in, I got better.

I still need to pray more and I still need to read my Bible. I still need to know that in my times of need God is still there for me and that he will never leave me and he never has. The sermon today talked about our Omnipresent and Omnipotent God and it is something I know, but at times seem to forget.

Moral of the story:

I need to realize that there will always be someone there for me and it’s okay to ask for help. God never expected us to do this (live life) on our own.

Psalm 139: 3-13

3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4 Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely. 5 You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. 7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. 13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

No matter what we do or where we go, God is always there. There are still times that I feel like what happened was my fault, but I have to stop and thank God that even though these incidents happened, it could have been worse. In the words of Hamilton, “I am the one thing in life I can control.” I had no control over the evil that was within my rapist and the Devil does work in mysterious ways. But, at least I was able to get out of the situation.

If anything, the incident has taught me that I am not alone and that I have people here to support me no matter what. And I will always have God on my side.

Alex.

 

 

 

Self Confidence & Strength 

I’m constantly feeling lonely and occasionally unwanted. Which is partly why I clung (it’s a strong word, but I’m going to use it anyway) to the guys who finally gave me the time of day. I liked the attention, I never had it before and it felt nice to feel like I was somebody. But, at the same time, because it was all so new to me I questioned every aspect of it. Like, why me? What do they see in me now, that hundreds of guys beforehand didn’t see? Or, if they did see, why didn’t I notice and or why didn’t they tell me? 

I’m 24 and I’ve never had a boyfriend. At times, I’m like whatever I don’t care, I’m waiting for Mr. Right. But, then at times I feel like there has to be something wrong with me. I must not being doing something right. Or I’m simply not pretty enough, or small enough, or short enough, or whatever the case may be. 

Thus, in the same breath that I used to question why not me?, I’m now starting to ask why me? I’ve been shut down and pushed aside for so long, I’m starting to question my worth. I know I shouldn’t be looking for outward validation, but when you’ve been telling yourself you’re beautiful and you’re perfect just the way you are and nothing has come from it, you begin to wonder if you’ve been lying to yourself this whole time just to get you to sleep at night. 

Now, I’m not going to lie and they you that I have no self confidence, in fact before the incident happened I was actually gaining in confidence. I was working out, I was happy, I was loving who I saw in the mirror. I was damn sexy and I knew it. 

Granted, it’s been a long time coming. Growing up, I had little self confidence, I was fat, I didn’t care for my hair, at times. I didn’t think I was pretty and I was also subconscious of how I smelled (I sweat a lot.) Plus, I was/am tall, so being big and towering over people is no fun. But, that was the old me. It took me a long time to build myself up and in three nights (four really) it’s gone. 

I’ve been questioning constantly what people think of me. Do they talk about me, do they think I’m slut? Does he think I’m a liar? Does he know what happened? (even if he did, it wouldn’t be the whole truth.) 

So many things are going through my head all the time now, more so than normal. And it all has to do with how others are perceiving me. They don’t know the real me and I hate it. They just know the weaker, uncertain, version of me. And it’s all because I clearly don’t know how to act around guys who like me. If they do like me. To be honest, I think they just wanted to have sex with me.

& that’s not what I want. 

I want a relationship, I want a partner, I want someone to talk to. I don’t want a one night stand. And I definitely didn’t want what transpired to have happened, at the very least not like that. Not with someone I barely knew, in a city that’s not mine, in a hotel room, by force. 

I want more. I deserve more. 

Alexandria