Birthdays & Reflections

Yesterday was my birthday. I am now officially 27 years of age.

Alright , enough with the formalities. This calendar past year has been without a doubt one of the greatest years I have had ever. My past birthday year started off with a rocky start since my family was in a car accident about a week before my birthday and my mom broke her back and my sister torn her Achilles tendon and developed a blood clot shortly after. But since then, my other sister got married. My brother has a fiance and a daughter. And I received my first training role. Oh and I’ve been to seven countries. And I have about $2300 left of personal credit card debt.

Like I said, this past year was amazing. It has been a whirlwind of emotions and a series of ups and down, mainly up and I am so lucky, well blessed to have been afforded all of the opportunities that I have over the past year.

With that being said, about a month ago after losing my last position, I slowly entered into a depression. I guess that’s what it’s called when the things that usually bring you joy, no longer do. I would say that I was in my funk for about three weeks with the last week being the most difficult. I finally truly snapped out of it on Saturday when I took a trip to visit my friend in Michigan.

But, before then I wasn’t happy and I honestly wasn’t see a way out of it. I was miserable and I didn’t know why. And then I got mad at myself for being so miserable because I have so many things that other people do not.

I figured that I was being ungrateful or that I was being selfish because things weren’t going my way. But, the truth is/was I was physically or mentally, whatever the case may be, unable to be “happy”. I wasn’t able to snap out of it like I usually did. Even my aunt noticed that there was something wrong with me. That was the first time EVER that I couldn’t mask how I was feeling enough to make it through even the simplest of interactions.

I started this post a week ago. My birthday was November 6th. In that past week, I started to feel significantly better. Things were/are starting to look up and I started to feel like myself again. Slowly, but surely. But then Wednesday hit and something stopped. I stopped getting better. I stopped seeing the good. I stopped being patient with myself, I stopped talking to my friends. I just stopped.

I think it’s all related to job stress. I am waiting to hear back from a position that I really want and the wait is what’s killing me, because I feel like I have to wait even longer because they are on the west coast and are up three hours after me. There also the stress that I was supposed to have worked two days this week with a family I babysit for but the dad canceled on me. That wouldn’t have been that big of an issue, but I turned down ANOTHER family because of this family and he cancels. Finally, I think it just all came crashing down on me because this week I had to borrow from my savings again. Not just my regular savings, but the savings that you hide away and forget is there savings. It’s been two months since my last paycheck and I am getting worried. Again.

I thought my life would be different by now. I thought that I would in a relationship, have a great career, own my own home. You know the normal things that people aspire to have in their late twenties. And don’t get me wrong on the outside looking in, I seem to have it all. I get to travel, for free, I only work half of the year, I have little to no debt, I’m healthy. What more could person ask for, right?

Genuine happiness on a daily basis for starters. 

FUCK

I keep finding myself in situations that I don’t want to be in or situations that I am just not ready for. But, why am I not ready for these situations? What’s preventing me from enjoying myself and allowing myself to be touched? What’s going on? FUCK if I know.

I was told not to go back to the room, his room, the room of the guy who pinned me down to the bed for fun because he enjoyed making me uncomfortable. I was told not to go back to his room. I was told, but I did not listen. obviously.

Yesterday, I went back. I told him the second that I walked into the room that nothing was going to happen. I told him that. I continued to tell him that. I said that we are just here as friends and nothing needs to happen right? Just friends.

Again, he pinned me down, but again I told him. Nothing is going to happen. I tried to stand my ground, but it’s hard when someone is trying to take both your bra off and pull your pants down at the same time.

He stopped for a while, claimed he was tired. I told him I was a virgin, and he proceeded to say that he doesn’t mess with virgins. Lucky for me right? Wrong. Well, I don’t know. All I know is that there is more to be done than just sex.

Again, I told him nothing was going to happen and again he pinned me down. I finally let him kiss me, but he began to become too handsy. Keep in mind he is stronger than me, so the more I moved his hand away the more forceful he became when putting it back.

Somehow, my bra and shirt were off. Keep in mind, initially I told him nothing was going to happen. I stopped saying it, but I didn’t stop thinking it. I did however continue to say the words stop & no throughout. I kept trying to push his hands away and push him off of me, but like I said he was stronger. At one point my hands were pinned together and I couldn’t move them to stop him.

Eventually, I gave up trying to push him off, I gave up saying no. I gave up saying that nothing was going to happen because something was already happening. Besides, it was too late right? I just let whatever happen happened.

The problem is this:

I still can’t tell if I wanted it to happen or if I just gave up trying to stop him.

Why did I go back to his room? Why did let him take my clothes off? Why wasn’t I stronger? Why don’t I know what I want? Why couldn’t he take my no for what it was? Why did something have to happen?

But, my biggest drawback and my biggest question: There is a difference between wanting something to happen and letting it happen, right?

Which one did I do?

Alex.

I Need To Stop Doing This To Myself

Damn Daniel,

Back at it again. Similar atmosphere, different guy, rougher conditions..

I guess I should stop going back to guy’s rooms, huh?

He didn’t go too far, well actually he didn’t do anything. He just kept pinning me down: on the chair, on the bed, against the wall. He also kept grabbing my face and was trying to kiss me.

He did, however, the very last time he had me pinned in my room, try and force my hand down to his you know what.

Basically, all night he wouldn’t let me leave, and then said, “Oh I’m just messing with you. I love messing with you. I wish you could see your face. If you didn’t want to kiss me you could have just said no.”

Let the record show, I said no & I said stop, several times.

Half of me was turned on by what was happening and the other half was worried that he would take it a step too far and actually not let me go.

Does that make me a bad person? 

Either way though, I was extremely nervous about the situation and he could tell that and that’s partly why he continued to mess with me, which I didn’t like. Because I thought he was being serious and I was genuinely scared.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. Granted, I’ve never had guys want me before so this is all a new experience for me and I guess I’m just trying to figure out how to handle myself.

Of the three guys in the past week who have tried something with me, I reciprocated one. Because, I like him.

But, like I said. I’ve been hit on more times in the past week than I have in my entire life. So you know when you get too much attention too fast it all goes to your head? Yeah, that hasn’t happened yet. I’m still just trying to figure out what my appeal is as well as trying to build my confidence. I’m all talk and little action and guys just need to respect that for now.

I’m also not trying to sleep with someone I just met. That’s not, nor will that ever be me.

Alexandria

I’m Leaving

I don’t think I have ever been so determined to change my current situation.

Theo, the 13 year old I take care of, made me so angry to the point where I literally didn’t know what to do. The situation wasn’t even worth the argument that it caused, but it just ruined both of our days because we are so stubborn. I just walked out. This is the second time that I have done that and it’s just because I don’t know what else to do.

He keeps saying he’s sorry, but it doesn’t help when you continue to do the same thing over and over again. Don’t be sorry, be better. How do you change a person if it’s all they know. How do you stop a behavior that someone has grown up with. How do you help to raise someone else’s kid without stepping on the toes of the parents. Theo could never be my son because I wouldn’t have let it get this far. He rarely gets told no, so it makes it so much harder when I do it. Working with him has just shown me that it’s Theo’s world we all just live in it. It’s either his way or the highway. And I can’t live like that. No anymore.

There’s a lack of respect that he has for me and I don’t know how to get it back. Long talks aren’t working, yelling isn’t working, reasoning doesn’t work, and being nice doesn’t either. I just want him to succeed and be the best person he can be, but he is making it so hard for me to stay.

What’s even worse is that he is setting a bad example for his little bother. The same one who has now gotten into the even worse habit of copying everything his brother does. Theo sings a song, so does Bud. Theo wants a snack, so does Bud. Theo doesn’t want to do his homework, neither does Bud. So you can see how problematic life has become if the sole purpose of me being there is to help these children get better at school.

They are making it so hard for me to see myself doing this for the rest of my life. I thought I was great with working with kids. They are beginning to make me doubt that.

I love kids, I love working with kids, and I enjoying making kids happy, and watching them succeed. But it’s day like these when I ask myself, “Are you sure you can do this?” and not only that but I tend to tell myself, “You can be doing so much more with your life and earning so much more as well.”

Alexandria

I Bring This On Myself

I have come into the habit of talking back to my parents and it’s not something that I have ever thought I would do. Why? For fear of getting a whooping. But, look. I am 24 years old living at home with my parents and being treated like a child.

Perhaps it’s because for the past 24 years I have acting liked a child, but now I am tired of it. I am tired of living at home, under someone else’s rules. It’s 2017, it’s time for me to move on and move out. I don’t want to leave my mom, but I also don’t want to stay here with my dad either.

We don’t have the best relationship and I am tired of pretending like we do. I have hoped for so long that it will change and I have tried to change myself to help the situation, but there are just too many things that he has done in the past and is still continuing to do today that are bothering the heck out of me.

Granted, the arguments that we get into now, I bring on myself. I ‘ve caused everything that has happened to me.

So now, I am trying to cause this. I want to cause myself to get a job and move out. I want my own place, my own life, my own responsibilities.

So this week. I am putting every possible effort into finding a job, a good paying job. Any job really. And hopefully something will come out of it. If not, hopefully by next week I will know whether or not I have gotten into my Masters program. I just hate that I don’t know the next step of my life right now.

But as we learned at church yesterday, God has a plan for me and he already knows what’s around the river bend. I just have to continue trusting in him. He’s known my life since conception and he has a plan for me.

Alex.

So many thoughts…and not enough words.

This tends to happen to me a lot. I get OVERWHELMED with the thoughts that are in my head and I feel the need to write them down, but I physically can’t.

This is also why I haven’t finished my book. I know how I want certain scenes to playout I know who the characters are and I know what’s going to happed to them, but I can’t bring myself to writing it all down because it’s to much. My hands literally cannot type as fast as I can think.

This is always why I have this nasty habit of jumping from one thing to another because that’s how the thoughts are arranged in my head. I find myself skipping words when I type because my brain can’t process what my head want to do.

Back to the initial point at hand, I didn’t want this post to be about my book. I want it to be about the new year, I wanted it to be about how I was going to change certain aspects of my life while retaining others. It was going to be about my resolutions and how I plan on keeping them this time. This post was also supposed to be written days ago. Here’s a shocker, I’m rarely on time for things.

I also tend to get distracted easily. In the 5 minutes since I have begun this post I have been distracted about 7 times. I keep stopping and starting, and wondering what I am going to type next.

This post wasn’t even supposed to be this long. This was supposed to be two maybe three paragraphs of how I was supposed to write, how I didn’t, why I couldn’t, and what is causing my emotional break today. I haven’t even gotten to that. I haven’t even had the chance to tell you that today is my father’s birthday. And that my mother, I know you’re not supposed to start a sentence with and, gave him a birthday cards with words printed on it that came from a loving wife, and proceeded to write in her own words which read, and I’m not not quoting.

I wish this was how we are. This is how we used to be, and this is how I felt. But, not anymore. I am lonely and unhappy and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I told you this expecting you to change and you haven’t.

Happy Birthday right?

Alex.

Advice

When it comes to giving advice, I am pretty darn good at it. When it comes to taking my own advice or taking advice from someone else, it’s as if I have lost all common sense.

I am taking the GRE again for the second time next week. The first time I took it was in October of 2015. I had six weeks to study and I used my time fairly wisely. I did the practice questions, practice exams, I learned some new words. ( I don’t remember what any of them are now, but I know I learned new ones for the test.) I even signed up for a online study guide course. I took it seriously, well as seriously as I could, why, because it’s important, and also because I was scared.

I didn’t want to door poorly, I mean these are subject matters that you learn in high school, I should know it right? Plus, my graduate career depends on this test that has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with what I want to study and my future career goals.

Small rant: The GRE is a complete waste of time, it’s something that you 1. Shouldn’t have to take at all, or 2. Should take right after high school considering it lasts for five years and it’s everything you learned in like the 10th grade. I hate it with a passion. In fact, I hate all standardized test, because I don’t test well and it’s not really showing what you know, but what you can memorize and how well you can take a test.

Going through this process has made me feel inadequate. I feel as if I am not smart enough to get accepted. Which is partly why it has taken me so long to apply. My fear of rejection has quadrupled since I started preparing for this graduate school application. Questions flood my mind on a daily basis. “What if you don’t do well on the GRE?” “What if your GPA isn’t high enough?” “What if they don’t like your Goals Statement?” “What if you simply just don’t get in?” “What then?” “What will you do?”

Now, see if this was anyone else coming to me saying all of these things, I would just reinforce how smart they actually are. I would let them know that you graduated from a Top 20 school, you can do anything. I would tell them that as hard as it is right now, once you get in you will know that it was all worth it. I would also let them know something that one of my friends in middle school told me, “Keep saying it’s not easy and it will keep getting harder.” And then I will throw some clichés in there like, “Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game” and “You got this, I believe in you.” Blah Blah Blah.

See, these are the things I already know about myself. These are the things that I would expect someone to say to me. But, still these are the things that are of no value when you don’t feel as if you are capable of succeeding in a world where most people are destined to fail. I don’t know. Maybe I am just overreacting, maybe I am going to take this week to study my butt off and do better than I did the first time, because now I want it more. And maybe when I submit my application I will receive an acceptance letter no questions asked.

Or maybe not.

Alex.

Here I Am

Someone once told me that I should write down all my feelings in order to get through them. That same person also told me that he couldn’t be the person that I wanted him to be. But, hey. That’s neither here nor there. I will save that story for another day.

I used to keep a diary a child, I mean what middle school girl didn’t. It wasn’t a regular diary though, you know one with a lock and key, no it was a five subject spiral notebook, college ruled, with pockets, and I filled every single page up front a back.

It was my baby, it was my everything, because it literally had ever single thought that crossed my mind in middle school and early high school in it.

It helped me to get through some tough times and it helped me to relive that great times. I wrote in pen because everything that happened to me was permanent. No take backs, no do overs.

I miss that journal, diary, whatever. Every few years I will take it out from under my bed and read about just how messed up I used to be. Not saying that I am completely fine now, although I would like to think I have gotten better. Contrary to my own beliefs.

Back then, a lot was going on with me, family drama, friend drama, cancer, cutting, weight issues, you name it. Typical teenage girl angst living in America. So writing was my outlet, it was my way of telling my imaginary audience, who sometimes I couldn’t even pay to listen, that no matter how bad it got I wasn’t giving up but instead looking for help.

I looked for help in so many places and with so many people. And I would like to tell you that movie story ending where all I had to do was look within and the help was with me all along, but truth is, that hasn’t happened. At least, not yet. I’m still holding out hope though.

So, I decided to start writing a blog again for three reasons. 1. I missed it, I missed having the time to just write how I feel and talk to myself without the judgement of others. 2. I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed with a few things that are happening in my life right now and I wanted to find a good way to relieve that stress. 3. I am hoping that this blog becomes famous and I get a book deal out of this. (Obviously the most important one)

Just so you know, the things I write are completely my own. This is my life and I don’t expect it to be perfect and neither should you. I would love to hear your feedback and constructive criticism. But, do keep in mind. I am human, so my feelings do get hurt from time to time. But, I am also stronger than you think.

Wow, I forgot how good it was to actually journal. I missed it so much. Hopefully, I’ll keep it up. And hopefully you’ll keep reading.

Goodbye & Goodnight,

Alexandria