Fear vs. Fantasy

I have a problem

It’s a pretty big one, considering the ramifications. I know I’ve probably said this before, but I think that for the longest time I have always wanted something bad to happen. Not really, but really. I think I just kept fantasizing it. A LOT. Perhaps, too much.

I kept thinking the worst possible thing. Always. And a part of me, albeit a small part wanted it to come true. Like an accident or a something. I don’t think I wanted the bad thing to necessarily happen. I think I just wanted to see how I would react to the bad thing itself, if that makes sense?

I wanted to get sick to see how strong I would be as a result.

I wanted to be put in bad situations to see if I could find my way out of them.

I wanted bad things to happen so I could be my own savior.

But now that some have come true and I wasn’t strong enough. I want a do over to prove that I still can rescue myself.

Silence

I don’t want to talk about this anymore, because I don’t want to stop.

But, I don’t want you to know how bad it is and I don’t want you to report me.

I want to be honest, but I’m afraid of where that honesty will get me, so I’m done talking.

Childlike

I feel like a child.

I feel like the person who hasn’t grown up.

I feel like a failure.

I feel like a nothing.

I feel nothing.

I feel like I am not who I want to be.

I feel like I am not who I am supposed to be.

I feel like I am not who I want/ed to be.

I feel like…

I don’t know.

I just don’t feel like me.

Grow the fuck up Alex.

Be better than this.

Be better.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Is there anything even wrong with me?

Why can’t I get passed this?

Why am I like this?

Why can’t I be normal?

What is happening to me?

Why is this happening to me?

Fuck.

I’m Not Ready

I was asked recently about my temperament. I feel like for the most part it’s pretty steady. But, every so often it can change. Just like that. And currently, I feel like a ‘just like that’ moment is occurring.

I am slowly starting to realize how much money I actually missed out on by not being accepted for a project I applied for. And to make matters worse, it would have been the perfect project for me. Here’s why:

1. The project was in California, with the same hospital system I worked at when the incident happened.
2. It’s in the same city where the Huxtables currently reside and I would have been there for Theo’s birthday, which is today.
3. It would have been for a different company so the chances of me seeing him are slim to none.
4. I would have been working inpatient hours, so more hours equals more pay.

ALL of which are fantastic reasons. Like I said, perfect project.

I have been trying to console myself with the idea that everything happens for a reason, and since I lost that opportunity I have received two initiated conversations about a full time position. But so far, nothing has come from it. Which means I have nothing right now. ‘I have no money and no prospects’ as my friends would always say.

I am starting to get worried that I am currently going down the wrong path and eventually it’s going to be to hard to turn away. I am starting to feel as if I haven’t accomplished much with my life. And I am slowly, not fully yet, starting to feel like I am wasting my life and I could be doing so much more.

I want to be doing so much more, but right now no one is giving me the chance. All I need is for one organization to take a chance on me and give me an opportunity to prove to them that I am actually really good at what I do. I just need to be trained and given the platform to shine.

And I need for it to happen soon. Because currently I am starting to lose hope just a little. And not yet, but I feel it coming on, I feel like I am on the verge of a backslide of the century.

I have been on an extended high for way too long. I have had the summer of a lifetime and I am currently achieving my body goals and I feel like the universe might think that I am too happy and it’s time to be taken down a notch.

I’m not ready.

Alex

Always Silenced

I feel as if every time I want to open up, something happens. Something always comes comes up and I feel silenced, and I feel as if I have missed my opportunity. Then the ten seconds of bravery that I did have, I lose. And I never truly get it back until I eventually break and then what’s the point of that?

It also doesn’t help that I can never really gather my words to actually express what I want to say.

It doesn’t help that I can never really gather my mind to figure out how I feel.

I keep fighting with myself that I am not allowed to feel this way.

I keep telling myself that I shouldn’t be feeling this way.

I keep reminding myself that I don’t need to feel this way.

And I keep saying that I am making it all up.

Like, is it all in my mind? Am I actually feeling this way or do I just want attention?

But if it’s all for attention, then why don’t I share what I am feeling to get that attention?

Why don’t I call up my friends every night or every other night to let them know that I am feeling lonely or sad, or that I haven’t stopped thinking about those nights all day.

Or maybe I should tell them that every time I go to workout I think of him at least once, because remember I was training for a Tough Mudder at the time and he would come into the gym as well to work out.

Should I tell my friends that when things start to wind down on the weekends is when I have the free time to actually remember the things that happen and for the past two weekends I’ve had boughts of tears.

How do I let them know that as the time is slowly approaching and the second wave of the project is happening in April again, I desperately wanted to be on the that project for reasons I can’t even bring myself to say out loud.

You know it’s gotten to the point that the most upsetting thing isn’t the actual incident itself, but how much time has past and what’s happened in the aftermath.

How do you explain out loud the fights that you’re having in your head?

Wild Wild Thoughts

I feel like if it happens again, this time I will be able to control the outcome.

Does that make me an terrible person?

I want to be put in a similar situation again, so I can prove to myself that I CAN and will control the outcome this time.

Now, does that make me a terrible person?

I’m afraid that every interaction I have with a guy is going to end up the same way.

Am I doing something to lead them on?

Sometimes, I want it to happen again.

I am not leading them on.

If I can prove to myself that I am strong enough to make the right decisions and stand my ground, then maybe I won’t have these thoughts anymore.

But, as I write that, the first thought that comes to mind is that I shouldn’t have to fight you off to get you to stop.

I shouldn’t have to, but I did, and I lost.

How will I know next time will be different?

I know not all guys are the same, but it’s hard to separate what he did, from what all men are capable of doing.

I don’t know for certain if next time will be different, but I know I will be different.

Alex.

I’m Okay

Two words. 

Six letters. 

One contraction. 

That’s all it takes to get someone to stop worrying about you.

I can’t believe it’s that simple. I hate that it’s that simple.

I want it to be the truth. And maybe it is the truth.

But, what is it the truth? Is that all it take for me to be okay with myself?

Am I okay? How will I know? When will I know?

Alex.

Thoughts: Real & Imaginary Intrusive Ones

So I know you’re probably tired of hearing about what happened to me, almost as much as I am tired of talking about it. However, there are times when I need to talk about it, in order to get through it. This is one of those times. 

Early this week, I was having a few of my bad days. I was in a funk or a fog, and I just couldn’t shake it. I reached out to one friend and she helped for a bit, but then stopped. I reached out to another friend, same situation. But, then I reached out to the friend who was my outcry witness, because she’s been the only one to actually talk me through whatever I’ve been feeling. She’s been able to rationale my emotions. However, I’ve been hesitant to reach out to her all this time for a few reasons:

1. She’s in law school. 
2. Her mom is going through a lot and is having surgery soon.
3. Her family already puts a lot of pressure on her to help them out. They rely on her.
4. She doesn’t take enough time for herself. 
5. I did not want to add to her current stress and have to worry about me.

So with all of that floating around in my head, I haven’t reached out to her until recently. Until, I knew that I couldn’t do it on my own anymore.  But, like I knew she would, she helped she gave me real responses, reassuring sentiments, and I felt her care.

So on to the thoughts. There are two kinds that have been invading my mind. The first set consists of the events that transpired because of you know who. It’s as if my mind is forcing me to relive it constantly any time I am even slightly triggered. Granted, there are times when I can stop it, like if I’m at work or busy. But, then there are times when they don’t go away and I have to relive it over and over and over again…

What’s even worse is when my mind decides that what happened to me wasn’t enough. So, it creates a what if category:

• What if he finished and I got pregnant and I had to have his kid? 
• What if he had something and now I’ve contracted it to?
• What if he hit me instead of that one time choke hold?
• What if I had just left and gone back to my room and back to sleep?
• What if I was strong enough to stop him from taking off my clothes?

I feel like I tried so hard to make him stop. I did, I know I did. But, he was so strong and so determined. Even still, why do I feel like such a failure? Why do I still feel like I caused this to happen? Why can’t I just put 100% of the blame on him? What’s wrong with me? How can someone have sympathy for their rapist?

I just want these thoughts to go away. All of them. But, I know they won’t because I can’t pretend like it never happened, because it did happen. So now I have to find a way to live with the consequences? Results? Outcome? Aftermath.

It’s just getting harder and harder and there’s less to distract yourself with.

Alex. 

Unpopular Opinions

In April of this year, as many of you already know, I was raped by a co-worker.  It took me a while to come to terms with what actually happened and that it was in no way my fault. Although, there are still some days where I have to keep reminding myself of that aspect.

Prior to the rape, I was sexually assaulted by the same individual. I told him what I was comfortable with and where my views were on sex and he completely disregarded it.

Since my assaults, I have been placed on birth control (mainly because I was already going to get on it for painful periods and slightly because of fear that it will happen again) and I have been seeing/speaking with a therapist regularly.

I have come to terms with the fact that I will forever be a victim of a sexual assault, but it doesn’t define who I am.

I have also come to terms with the fact that I did not cause my first two assaults, because I knew what I wanted and what I didn’t, but when someone is stronger than you are there really is little you can do.

However, I haven’t come to terms with the fact that I did not cause my rape. Parts of me still blames myself for even putting myself in that environment and in that situation. I have however forgiven him for what he did. But, and this is where the unpopular opinion comes in, I haven’t forgiven myself.

I know, I know, what you’re thinking, but this is my truth, for now, and I have to own it.

I was weak, I was new to the attention and the advances and I guess I cracked under it all. It’s sad that all it takes is for a guy to pay attention to you to lose a part of who you are. But, it was more than that, I know. He was aggressive from the beginning and I took that as flirting and him knowing what he wanted. I thought there was something about me that he was interested in. And there was, it just wasn’t my personality, but my private parts.

I realized too late that I was nothing but a body to him. When we flirted it was nothing more than surface stuff and he never really tried to get to know me, so that should have been a red flag from the beginning. He was just after one thing, and he basically got what he wanted.

So I forgive him for using me, I forgive him for assaulting me, and I forgive him for everything really. Because there’s nothing that I will gain by not doing so. But, I will gain peace and serenity from doing so.

Unfortunately, over the past week I realized something about myself that will get some getting used to and some fixing. I have come to realize and vocalize the fact that I am a certified people pleaser; I am constantly doing things for other people. Now listen, there is nothing wrong with that. But, when it hinders your ability to do for yourself, that’s when it becomes a problem.

I tend to put other people’s wants and needs before my own, whether they know it or not. I check in on people constantly, I make sure that, if they are going through a tough time, they are okay. I let my presence known that I am there for them and that they can reach out to me anytime. In short, I am a damn good friend. 

However, as a result of my constant need to put others first, I tend to get hurt in the process. A lot of what happened between me and the co-worker I did not want to happen, but clearly his needs overcame mine. Don’t get me wrong now, I did ask/tell him to stop several times and I said I wasn’t ready and I didn’t want anything to happen, but he didn’t listen. But, I didn’t put myself first and fight harder. I was afraid of the repercussions, afraid of what he would think, feel, say or do. To say the least I was also paralyzed in fear.

As a result, I actually want to see him again. Not to confront him, or even tell him what he did was wrong, but to prove to myself that I can stand up to him if he tries to make advances at me. I want to prove that I am strong, well, stronger now than I was before.

In reality, I just want to prove that to myself. Actually, I need to prove it to myself. But most importantly, I need to start putting myself and my needs first.

Alex.

 

Reality: Yours, Mine, & Actuality

You know what I just realized today:

     We go through life creating and remembering memories that are from our perspective only. Every life event, good or bad, is from our point of view.

    Isn’t it crazy that the same life event that can be detrimental and have a long lasting effect on you, can be essentially meaningless or not as important to someone else? Even if you experience that same life event together?

There’s reality and then there’s our version of reality.

     Sometimes they line up and sometimes they don’t. And only in those special instances do they line up with the other person that experienced the same situation as you.

     Today, I met up with a friend from school. The Friend. The Friend that I have been alluding to all this time. He was my best friend growing up, I told him everything, and anything. He knew all of my secrets and all of my fears and all of my random thoughts. He knew more about me than any other person. Like I said, he was my best friend.

     Then, we had a falling out sophomore year and everything changed. That was a pivotal moment for me and talking about it today, it’s as if he didn’t remember it, but I can’t forget it. I was devastated and felt as if I lost a part of me. I opened up to him and he shot me down. So as a result, I stopped opening up to people because I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone. I didn’t want them to react the way that he did, which was bad. He essentially said that my problems were too much for him to handle and that I should go see a therapist and stop using him as one. 

It’s crazy the moments that stay with you, but flee others.

      It was as if none of it mattered. As if I made it all up. But, I know I didn’t. I know that the feelings that I had were real. The pain I felt was real. The tears I cried were real.

My reality was real.

      Lately, I’ve been thinking back to the night of the incident and I wonder why was my reality so different than his. Did I remember it differently? Did I create a different reality? Is there one reality that’s more important than another? Why isn’t mine important?

      The moral of the story is this: We travel through life being affected by things that only effect us. We laugh, we cry, and we live our own life. But, if we don’t tell others how certain circumstances affects us, then they’ll never know. 

It all just makes you question, how can one event be interpreted so many different ways?

And who’s reality is the correct one?