I’m Not Alone, But I Am

I know that I am not the only person in the world who has gone through a traumatic experience. I get that. I truly do. But, I am the only me who has gone through one. When people say that they are there for you, I believe them I know that they are, but it’s not the same.

I have tried reaching out to support groups or people who have gone through something similar, but that’s also not the same.

What people fail to realize or simply what they fail to tell you is that, no matter how often someone says they will be there for you, it’s not the same as you being capable of being there for yourself.

If that makes sense.

Until, I can wrap my head around the fact that some days will just suck and I have to move forward regardless, it’s going to be hard for me to fully accept support from others.

This past weekend was the closest I have come to in a while when it came to self harming. For the most part, I have been able to distract myself or just not have triggers for a while now. I have just been that busy, which is good. However, this past weekend I felt as if something was wholly off and I wasn’t able to feel like myself.

Long story short, I made it through the weekend without a slip up and I am really proud of myself mainly because as much as I reached out to strangers it was truly to strength from within that kept me safe.

I tend to think the most about my incident when I am in my room on the weekends because for the most part I stay in my hotel bed all day. I also tend to think about what happened when I am at the gym because there was a point in time where I kept running into him. I also tend to think about him whenever I meet someone new that even remotely resembles him. I tend to think about it whenever I hear the words sex, or rape, or backdoor, or virginity, etc. Or even whenever I am out for drinks with friends I tend to think about it. I also think about it at work whenever I am going to the bathroom because I feel as if I am going to be attacked in the stall. I think about him/it whenever I am walking down the staircase. I think about him/it when I am listening to my audio-books or when I am watching TV.

Moral of the story: I think about that night a lot. More than I would like to admit. More than I can admit, because it hurts too much.

What they fail to tell you is that there is never NOT going to be a time when I don’t think about it. And even now when I do I still get that pang in my stomach of just hurt and realization that this truly happened and I wasn’t able to stop it.

See here’s the thing. I know that my friends will always listen to me if I have an issue or a problem, especially when it comes to this, but the problem is they haven’t experienced it. I pray to God they never will.. But, because of that, they don’t get the leaps that my mind takes whenever I am triggered. And let’s be honest, it’s not big triggers, it could be small, but I don’t know how to let them in.

I don’t know how to tell them that even though I may seem fine and I am fine…. enough, that I can still feel not 100%.

I know that I am not alone, but it does feel that way a lot of the time.

Alex

My Year in Review

A Month-to-Month Guide of How 2017 was Both the Best and Worst Year

January (January 6th):

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For months my friends and I had planned to drive to Tennessee to surprise our fourth friend in the group. She’s in law school and has absolutely no time to herself because she’s too busy taking care of everyone else. So we thought it was time to get the band back together. The four of us hadn’t been in the same room together since graduating college in 2015. We had the perfect plan and her mom was involved and everything was set. However, Mother Nature had other plans. The morning we were supposed to leave it started snowing in Tennessee. We still thought that we could make it, but our friend’s mom called and said that people were already starting to get stuck on the side of the road. We were three hours away, I still needed to change my tires, and we hadn’t left by 9am.. So we called it. We didn’t go and thus began the most disappointing year. I just didn’t know it yet.

February (February 17th):

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For my friend’s 25th birthday, she wanted to go on a cruise. So if you know me. You know I love cruises. So of course I went. That month I was still working out, I decided to be healthy and I was at a very good weight! I was happy with my body,  with my hair, with myself, with life. I really enjoyed that cruise and the people I went with and the things we did. I went ATVing for the first time through a jungle, who else can say that they did that?

March (March 8th):

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Needless to say, I was high on life. Right after the cruise, I received a contract. A much needed one, since I spent so much gambling, haha, but that’s a story for a different day. I also decided to sign up for a Tough Mudder, so I started to train for that, and luckily there was a gym right next door to the hotel I stayed at so I could work out for free! It was perfect. I was in great shape, working out everyday (almost), but still enjoying life and eating all the good food that Newport News, VA had to offer. Surprisingly, it was a lot. It was a great month honestly. I was still happy, I was on the right track and everything was going so well. I didn’t know that it was the calm before the storm. How could I have known?

April (April 8th & April 23rd; April 26th):

Before:

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At the beginning of the month I was ecstatic. I received yet another contract and this time it was in sunny San Diego, California. I’ve never been and I was super excited to go. My friend’s grandmother lives there and she goes there like 5 times a year, so I convinced her to come join me for a weekend. The first weekend, I hit up all the sights by myself, like the beaches, the Zoo, In & Out Burger, etc. The second weekend when she came, we went to Balboa Park, Olde Town, all the good brunch spots, and the Gaslamp District. It was great! It was also the day after the first incident. I think back now, maybe if I told her then, everything would have turned out differently. But, then again I did tell someone, and I didn’t take his advice.. Granted, I know I should have, but hindsight is 20/20. Regardless, the first three weeks of April were great, I was still working out, the Tough Mudder was at the end of the month, and I was still eating all the good food. I was happy, I was healthy, I was feeling myself. I was confident. All of this is also probably what contributed to my demise. But like I said,

how could I have known?

After:

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On April 26th, 2017, my life changed forever. I was in a situation that I no longer wanted to be in, but I couldn’t get out of it. Yes, I went there out of my own free will, and the night was okay for a while, but when things started happening that I wasn’t okay with, he didn’t listen. I’m not going to go into grave detail, not again, but I keep replaying that night over and over again, to this day. I am still torn, I don’t know if I did everything I could have done and I don’t know if I contributed to it in any way. But, what I do know is I told him I wasn’t ready and that I wanted him to stop, and he told me to relax and that nothing was happening. He got what he wanted because I was scared.

May (May 21st):

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Another month, another project. The month started off with me telling one of my close friends what happened. It was kind of a relief to get it off my chest and to get some things clarified, but it was the first time I said it out loud and that made what happened to me real. Which means that I could no longer pretend that it didn’t.

Dallas, Texas. I was there for three weeks and during those three weeks I ended up self harming. It was the first time in LONG time that I had done so, and I was so disappointed and angry that it came to that. But, I was just so upset that I wasn’t feeling “the way I was supposed to” (according to whose standards? I have no idea), so I thought I would take matters into my own hands. However, not all of May was bad. Parts of it was good because one of my friends got married and it was a lovely ceremony. The month ended with me getting some sort of infection on my lip, which sucked, and a family reunion, which was great!

June (June 25th):

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June started off as a really good month. It was my mom’s birthday so we got to celebrate that. We went to a Nigerian engagement party and we looked fantastic, if I do say so myself. I was doing well. But, like I said, how could I have know what was going to happen next?

The morning of Father’s day I woke up to a charge of almost $800 on my credit card. Long story short, I left my wallet in the car and the window was left down just enough that someone was able to reach in, unlock the doors, and take my cards. That broke me, that was the finally straw, that was my low, or so I thought (until months later). Anyway, as a result I finally let the rest of my close group of friends in on what I have been dealing with the last few months, because I was tired of pretending that everything was okay when it wasn’t. The month ended with a trip to Savannah, GA that had been planned for months, that I didn’t want to take anymore, but I am glad I did because I had a great time.

July (July 7th):

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More Traveling. So I think it goes without saying that this year alone I have traveled more than I have in my entire life. That was a goal of mine for the past few years and I am glad that I was able to make that happen with this year. The month of July was particularly busy.. I went to Maryland for a conference with my family, then I went to Orlando to spend the weekend with my friend and her new baby, and then I went to South Carolina for another project. While I was there my sister and her friend and I took a day trip to Charleston. Finally, I ended the month in Houston for about a week. So I was busy, to say the least.

Like all my other months, this one started off well and then started to slip. On my way to my SC project (I drove), I had a mini breakdown. I don’t know why, I don’t know what caused it. But, for three hours I was on the verge of tears. I cut myself off from social media and I tried to take care of myself on my own, mainly because I didn’t know how to explain what was happening to me. And then there were a few times where I was just immobile because of my emotions, it was scary. Eventually, I realized that I hadn’t let myself fully feel all the emotions that came with what happened to me, because there’s always been something else that I needed to do, or accomplish. Life essentially got in the way of my emotions. It was the first sign of my depression, but I didn’t know it at the time. This is also why I went to Houston, I needed to spend time with my friend and to get out of my own head.

August (August 27th):

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August was a month of new adventures for me. The family that I had been working with for the past three years was moving to California. That was definitely bittersweet for me, because at the time I didn’t know if I was still going to move with them or not. I also was a Camp Advisor (co-Camp Advisor as seen in the photo) for the first time. The Camp that I was involved with during my college years, the one that changed my life, finally gave me one week of a whole new experience. Needless to say, August was a great month. I was back to being happy and almost back to normal.

September (September 3rd):

20170903_154622[1]It only took nine months, but we finally made it. The “Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Spinsterhood” (what we call ourselves) was finally reunited Labor day weekend. It was definitely a long time coming and a really good weekend. We ate, we laughed, we took pictures, and we walked everywhere, almost. But most importantly, we were together. More great things that happened that month: I got a new phone, I was finally off from work (after my Labor Day weekend trip I was home for one month), I went to Yelp events and I continued my trend of eating good food. I think since the incident August and September were by far my greatest months. But, what have we learned? Do I even need to say it at this point? Fine, for those who weren’t paying attention. How could I have known what was going to happen next?

October (October 4th): 20171004_181541(0)[1]

There’s no point in lying or even sugar coating it. October was the worst month of 2017. Remember that depressive episode I was talking about in July? That was nothing compared to what happened this month and there was no way I could have known to what extent it would go. I was working 12 hour night shifts every day for four weeks straight. I was fine the first week or so, but then I don’t know what happened. I was crying almost everyday, I wanted to go home so bad,  and I wanted to be away from everyone. I was exhausted and tired and constantly reliving what happened. It wasn’t good. It got to the point were I was crying in the bathroom at work and one night I had the strongest urge to self harm and I was about to, but my team leads came to check up on me to see how the night was going. It was my lowest low and I was scared of what was happening to me and what I was capable of doing.

November (November 12th)

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I had about a week in between my October project and this November one and I jsut ended up sleeping most of the time. My next project was in New Jersey, day shift this time, thank God. Since it was so close to New York and I have a friend who lives there I decided that I would go and celebrate my birthday there. On my actual birthday, I went to a restaurant with my aunt, who happened to be on the same project, and the following weekend I spent time with my two friends from college.

But, of course, November was also another busy month, because I had just gotten off a project, and then I came to this one, just to fly back for a wedding for a day and then I had to fly back the next day because I had to work. So I was just exhausted. But, as the month went on, the days got easier, and my sanity slowly returned. I came home for Thanksgiving and spent time with my friends and family, so that was a nice break. I also finished applying to school so it was definitely a weight lifted off my shoulders.

December (December 10th):

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The final month. The beginning of December was not the greatest. After all the festivities of the previous holiday,  I just wanted to lie in my bed and never leave. Which is what I ended up doing. I didn’t willingly leave the house for two weeks. Simply put, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to go anywhere, or do anything, and I was constantly complaining. In fact, it got to the point where I was annoyed with myself for constantly complaining  about my weight, but not actually doing anything to fix it. I think it was the photos from my birthday is where I realized that I had gained so much weight, and when I finally stepped on the scale I found out that I had gained thirty pounds since April. That’s a lot, I was at my heaviest I had been since in like 6 years. Originally, I was supposed to be twenty pounds less than where I was in April, but I guess life had other plans. So December ended up being a rude awakening, that just because something happened to you doesn’t mean you have to let it ruin your entire life.

Lessons Learned:

  1. Always follow what you want to do, don’t let anyone else push you to do something you’re uncomfortable with.
  2. You don’t always get what you wish for, you get what you work for.
  3. Stop letting other people control your happiness. It’s okay to be selfish and do what you want to do.
  4. Step outside of your comfort zone, sometimes it might be worth it.
  5. Enjoy the life you’re given. Embrace both the challenges and successes because both make you who you are.

I know it was a long post, probably my longest one to date. But, 2017 was a year and this was a much needed recap to remind myself that I still had a pretty good year despite everything that happened. I am blessed that I have my family and that we are all healthy. I am blessed that I have my friends and that they are all healthy. I blessed that we as a collective whole, even though we all had a pretty tough year, we made it through. And most importantly I am happy that I was finally able to open up to my friends, which is something that I wanted to do for a long time, I just never had the courage to do so. Granted, there are still some days where I can let them in more, but baby steps.

I pray that 2018 will be better and I will try my best to make sure that it is.

Happy New Year in Advance!

Alex.

Trigger Warnings 

Trigger warnings are real & needed. 

I always thought they were a joke. I always felt like people were being overly sensitive about specific issues. But, no. They’re oh so real. 

I found that out the hard way on Thursday. I was watching The Carmichael Show and I couldn’t even get through the first five minutes of it. 
Without any warning they were arguing about what constitutes rape and I think it was the first time that it actually hit me that I was raped. It was the first time that I allowed myself to feel it? I don’t know, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. That day was hard and filled with alcohol and tears. I just had a breakdown, really. 

It only stopped when I found out that one of my close friends from school had a baby. A nice distraction, but a hard distraction because it reminded me of how close I was to being in the same situation. Regardless, like I said it was a nice distraction. But, I still spent all of Friday in the craziest funk. 

I was supposed to go out with a friend, but that fell through. So I decided to go out by myself. I needed to get out of the house. Big mistake. I was in the crazy funk. I went to breakfast and ate. It was good & I’m fine with eating alone. That wasn’t the issue. The issue was I had to many things on my mind. 

I didn’t want to go home so I decided to go shopping instead. I needed new running shoes and I wanted to check to see if the TJMaxx by me had a certain pair of shoes (Toms) that I wanted, they did. But, I couldn’t even be happy about it. I bought them and bought baby clothes, super cute baby clothes mind you, but I couldn’t even be happy about that either. 

Before TJMaxx I went to Marshall’s and bought work pants (lots of them) and after TJMaxx I went to Belk and bought more baby clothes. Afterwards, I went to the outlets to find tennis shoes and found none. But, literally for the whole 3 hours that I was out, I literally couldn’t feel happy. I couldn’t really feel anything? It was as if I was going through the motions just to say that I did something. I had never felt that way before and it was kind of scary. I just didn’t care. I spent over $200 on Friday and I just kept telling myself, it doesn’t even matter. 

Yesterday (Saturday) was better. I didn’t think about it as much. And I even was able to go out with my mom and feel something. I went to my favorite store Bath & Body Works, bought a few things, and felt happy. 

So at least I am making progress, right? I’m getting better. I’m drinking less, or at the very least feeling the urge to drink less. Although, today was kinda hard, I wanted to get drunk. I didn’t though. Plus side!  

Anyway, I guess I’m just learning that this will always be a part of me. It’s something that happened and something that I can’t change. So, I just have to learn how to deal with it. It’s hard, but I’m trying.

One day at a time. 

-Alexandria Bridges 

All She Can Do Is Write

I’ve realized now that talking about it, doesn’t change what happened. It doesn’t make it any easier and it doesn’t give me back my virginity. It doesn’t do anything, but remind me of the fact that I could have prevented it all. It reminds me of how I should have been stronger and pushed harder. I should have voiced my opinions louder. And more simply, it reminds me of how I shouldn’t have gone back to his room. The first time. Or the second time. And more importantly, the third time.

I didn’t know what I wanted, but I knew I didn’t want that. 

I’ve told one person. My outcry witness so to speak. She advised me to speak with a counselor. I did. We did an initial session, but they’re booked and I don’t know when I can speak with someone again. But, I’d rather talk to a professional than my friends, because my friends can’t do anything for me, other than feel bad. Also, most likely try to convince me to press charges. (I’m not going to). 

I guess I don’t want them to know because I don’t want to go into details again about what happened. Because, I don’t want to have to convince myself again that it wasn’t my fault. I know it’s not, I’m starting to believe that now. I’ve just come to this good place and I don’t want to go back to the self blame game.

But, two of my friends are now pressing the issue. What do I tell them? Do I have to tell them? I don’t, right? But, I don’t want them to guess and or continue to harass me. But, I also don’t want them to know. But, I opened Pandora’s box when I said,

“All men are trash.”

I say it with my other group of friends all the time, and they don’t pry, they just agree. That wasn’t the case here. But, maybe I did it on purpose. Maybe I let it slip that I had a bad experience with a guy because I wanted them to know. Subconsciously. Or maybe, just maybe, it was a accident.

Either way, I’m stuck in a dilemma. I’ve told them that I don’t want to talk about it. But, one came back with and I quote..

“I think we need to talk through it. What else is the point of having confidential girl friends”

I get that, I truly do, but I don’t like talking about me anyway, at least not anymore. And I definitely don’t know how to say this. Like, oh yeah, by the way, I was raped in California.

Not really dinner conversation.

I guess I’m just not ready to let my friends know that I wasn’t strong enough to stop it.

So for now, writing is easier than talking. It always has been and I’m afraid it always will be. Because here, I don’t see your reaction immediately, so I feel more comfortable with giving more details.

Here, I feel like I’m talking to the perfect listener, my imaginary perfect best friend, or my perfect psychologist. The only person who won’t be burdened by my problems. They are always available to listen and they never judge, or say something that I don’t want to hear. Also, I trust you to never get sick of me and stop responding (even though you might not respond now).

There’s something freeing about laying your story on the line for everyone (strangers) to read free from judgement and ridicule. But, in the same breath there’s something confining about not being able to let your friends in and constantly keeping secrets..

It hurts a little. Okay, well a lot. But, I’ve been hurt before when it comes to telling my stories and secrets and I don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t want to lose another friend. So, I just keep my emotions to myself and write it down later and process it on my own. Until, I can’t anymore and then I break down and tell someone.

So for now, this is my solution. This is all I can do. And this will just have to do.

Alex.

Control

I want to be I control at least once. I want to be the one calling the shots. I don’t want to be taken advantage of anymore. Although, I do like that aspect as well. So maybe I am in control of at least that. I like the fight. Okay. Let me stop, because I don’t know how comfortable I am sharing those inner most thoughts.

Back to the topic at hand. I have thought of so many ways to walk into his room and push him down on the bed (just like he did me) and get on top of him and take charge. But, every time I get the opportunity to do so, I lose my nerve.

Last night, I wanted to knock on his door, but by the time I finished working out and washing my hair it was 9 o’clock. Which actually isn’t that late, but you know me any excuse is a good excuse.

We only have a few more days together, so that doesn’t leave much time. I don’t want to have sex. For a few reasons. I don’t know him well enough. I’m not on birth control. I’m saving myself for marriage or at least for someone I love. Besides, like I said before he claims he doesn’t mess with virgins. So there’s that.

I don’t know what I want to do and that’s my main issue. That’s why I’ve been so hesitant. I simply do not know what I want.

Alexandria

I Bring This On Myself

I have come into the habit of talking back to my parents and it’s not something that I have ever thought I would do. Why? For fear of getting a whooping. But, look. I am 24 years old living at home with my parents and being treated like a child.

Perhaps it’s because for the past 24 years I have acting liked a child, but now I am tired of it. I am tired of living at home, under someone else’s rules. It’s 2017, it’s time for me to move on and move out. I don’t want to leave my mom, but I also don’t want to stay here with my dad either.

We don’t have the best relationship and I am tired of pretending like we do. I have hoped for so long that it will change and I have tried to change myself to help the situation, but there are just too many things that he has done in the past and is still continuing to do today that are bothering the heck out of me.

Granted, the arguments that we get into now, I bring on myself. I ‘ve caused everything that has happened to me.

So now, I am trying to cause this. I want to cause myself to get a job and move out. I want my own place, my own life, my own responsibilities.

So this week. I am putting every possible effort into finding a job, a good paying job. Any job really. And hopefully something will come out of it. If not, hopefully by next week I will know whether or not I have gotten into my Masters program. I just hate that I don’t know the next step of my life right now.

But as we learned at church yesterday, God has a plan for me and he already knows what’s around the river bend. I just have to continue trusting in him. He’s known my life since conception and he has a plan for me.

Alex.

So many thoughts…and not enough words.

This tends to happen to me a lot. I get OVERWHELMED with the thoughts that are in my head and I feel the need to write them down, but I physically can’t.

This is also why I haven’t finished my book. I know how I want certain scenes to playout I know who the characters are and I know what’s going to happed to them, but I can’t bring myself to writing it all down because it’s to much. My hands literally cannot type as fast as I can think.

This is always why I have this nasty habit of jumping from one thing to another because that’s how the thoughts are arranged in my head. I find myself skipping words when I type because my brain can’t process what my head want to do.

Back to the initial point at hand, I didn’t want this post to be about my book. I want it to be about the new year, I wanted it to be about how I was going to change certain aspects of my life while retaining others. It was going to be about my resolutions and how I plan on keeping them this time. This post was also supposed to be written days ago. Here’s a shocker, I’m rarely on time for things.

I also tend to get distracted easily. In the 5 minutes since I have begun this post I have been distracted about 7 times. I keep stopping and starting, and wondering what I am going to type next.

This post wasn’t even supposed to be this long. This was supposed to be two maybe three paragraphs of how I was supposed to write, how I didn’t, why I couldn’t, and what is causing my emotional break today. I haven’t even gotten to that. I haven’t even had the chance to tell you that today is my father’s birthday. And that my mother, I know you’re not supposed to start a sentence with and, gave him a birthday cards with words printed on it that came from a loving wife, and proceeded to write in her own words which read, and I’m not not quoting.

I wish this was how we are. This is how we used to be, and this is how I felt. But, not anymore. I am lonely and unhappy and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I told you this expecting you to change and you haven’t.

Happy Birthday right?

Alex.

I Made It

So today I hung out with a couple of old high school friends. Two different groups, but he was in both. Earlier for lunch I caught up with two of my guy friends, one of whom I saw last time when he was in town for Thanksgiving, and the other one I haven’t seen since August. He,

Him… the other one. The one I haven’t seen since August. I can write a book on our relationship and trust me the saga isn’t pretty.  It’s like a drama, but at times a tragedy, that could be a comedy if we let it.

And the second group was still him, but a friend a her boyfriend and another guy that I haven’t seen since summer since he’s living in New York now.

But regardless, I made it though. I made it the four and a half hours we spent at Chick-fil-a sitting side by side. I made it through him coming to my house, even if it was just to drop off his car so we can carpool with my girl friend. And I most certainly made it through the Brewery and dinner. We all had a great time.

I spent the whole day with him and it wasn’t awkward. We talked. I didn’t feel insecure, I didn’t feel less than. I could joke like I would normally do. There were a few times where I felt myself slipping back into old memories (not the good ones either), but I quickly got myself out of it.

All in all today was a good day. In fact, today was a great day. I got to see my friends and hangout like we used to. There wasn’t a pressure for me to be perfect. I felt confident and maybe it was because I knew the guys weren’t interested in me because we have been friends for so long, but I looked good and I felt good. Which is all that matters… right?

I would love to write more, but I am not going to lie. I am super tired and my head really hurts. So I am going to call in a night. If you would like to know more about my Saga with Him just let me know, I’ll fill you in. Maybe I’ll start from the beginning.. Who knows.

Goodbye & Goodnight

Alex. ❤

Advice

When it comes to giving advice, I am pretty darn good at it. When it comes to taking my own advice or taking advice from someone else, it’s as if I have lost all common sense.

I am taking the GRE again for the second time next week. The first time I took it was in October of 2015. I had six weeks to study and I used my time fairly wisely. I did the practice questions, practice exams, I learned some new words. ( I don’t remember what any of them are now, but I know I learned new ones for the test.) I even signed up for a online study guide course. I took it seriously, well as seriously as I could, why, because it’s important, and also because I was scared.

I didn’t want to door poorly, I mean these are subject matters that you learn in high school, I should know it right? Plus, my graduate career depends on this test that has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with what I want to study and my future career goals.

Small rant: The GRE is a complete waste of time, it’s something that you 1. Shouldn’t have to take at all, or 2. Should take right after high school considering it lasts for five years and it’s everything you learned in like the 10th grade. I hate it with a passion. In fact, I hate all standardized test, because I don’t test well and it’s not really showing what you know, but what you can memorize and how well you can take a test.

Going through this process has made me feel inadequate. I feel as if I am not smart enough to get accepted. Which is partly why it has taken me so long to apply. My fear of rejection has quadrupled since I started preparing for this graduate school application. Questions flood my mind on a daily basis. “What if you don’t do well on the GRE?” “What if your GPA isn’t high enough?” “What if they don’t like your Goals Statement?” “What if you simply just don’t get in?” “What then?” “What will you do?”

Now, see if this was anyone else coming to me saying all of these things, I would just reinforce how smart they actually are. I would let them know that you graduated from a Top 20 school, you can do anything. I would tell them that as hard as it is right now, once you get in you will know that it was all worth it. I would also let them know something that one of my friends in middle school told me, “Keep saying it’s not easy and it will keep getting harder.” And then I will throw some clichés in there like, “Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game” and “You got this, I believe in you.” Blah Blah Blah.

See, these are the things I already know about myself. These are the things that I would expect someone to say to me. But, still these are the things that are of no value when you don’t feel as if you are capable of succeeding in a world where most people are destined to fail. I don’t know. Maybe I am just overreacting, maybe I am going to take this week to study my butt off and do better than I did the first time, because now I want it more. And maybe when I submit my application I will receive an acceptance letter no questions asked.

Or maybe not.

Alex.

Here I Am

Someone once told me that I should write down all my feelings in order to get through them. That same person also told me that he couldn’t be the person that I wanted him to be. But, hey. That’s neither here nor there. I will save that story for another day.

I used to keep a diary a child, I mean what middle school girl didn’t. It wasn’t a regular diary though, you know one with a lock and key, no it was a five subject spiral notebook, college ruled, with pockets, and I filled every single page up front a back.

It was my baby, it was my everything, because it literally had ever single thought that crossed my mind in middle school and early high school in it.

It helped me to get through some tough times and it helped me to relive that great times. I wrote in pen because everything that happened to me was permanent. No take backs, no do overs.

I miss that journal, diary, whatever. Every few years I will take it out from under my bed and read about just how messed up I used to be. Not saying that I am completely fine now, although I would like to think I have gotten better. Contrary to my own beliefs.

Back then, a lot was going on with me, family drama, friend drama, cancer, cutting, weight issues, you name it. Typical teenage girl angst living in America. So writing was my outlet, it was my way of telling my imaginary audience, who sometimes I couldn’t even pay to listen, that no matter how bad it got I wasn’t giving up but instead looking for help.

I looked for help in so many places and with so many people. And I would like to tell you that movie story ending where all I had to do was look within and the help was with me all along, but truth is, that hasn’t happened. At least, not yet. I’m still holding out hope though.

So, I decided to start writing a blog again for three reasons. 1. I missed it, I missed having the time to just write how I feel and talk to myself without the judgement of others. 2. I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed with a few things that are happening in my life right now and I wanted to find a good way to relieve that stress. 3. I am hoping that this blog becomes famous and I get a book deal out of this. (Obviously the most important one)

Just so you know, the things I write are completely my own. This is my life and I don’t expect it to be perfect and neither should you. I would love to hear your feedback and constructive criticism. But, do keep in mind. I am human, so my feelings do get hurt from time to time. But, I am also stronger than you think.

Wow, I forgot how good it was to actually journal. I missed it so much. Hopefully, I’ll keep it up. And hopefully you’ll keep reading.

Goodbye & Goodnight,

Alexandria