Conversations with a man that I have felt the safest with sexually, but I have no physical attraction to. We hooked up, but didn’t go all the way, when he was in town. I would have gone all the way if he had a condom, but I guess it worked out for the best since I was bleeding heavily out of the blue that same night.
Me: Are you upset with me?
Him: Lol. Nah.
Me: Disappointed?
Him: Nope. Why would I?
Me: I can think of two reasons, but maybe that’s just all in my head.
Him: Alright. Tell me the 2 reasons, and I’ll tell you why you’re wrong
Me: You make it feel so easy to tell you. 1. You’re still mad at me for the last night you were in town. Maybe mad is the wrong adjective. Saddened or disappointed. And now 2. The fact that I’m high and drunk out in public isn’t the best or safest thing to do. Etc.
Him: No. I am not mad, or disappointed, or saddened. I enjoyed it. Yes I would’ve been happy if we went all the way, but I was also happy with what I was able to experience. My darling. Be drunk and high, and love your best life with your friends.
Me: You’re actually physically attracted to me?
Him: You are attractive. So, yes
Me: I think I just wish you would have said that. I wish I would have know. I wish I could have heard it from you that night.
Him: I understand. And I would’ve loved to show it, but like you said, you’ve been raped before, so I had to show restraint. Your comfort was paramount
Me: Fuck that.
Him: If I do get the chance again, we’ll play it differently
Me: Tell me, what would be different.
Him: I’d one hand wrap my hands around your waist, drag you close into me, and tangle my lips with yours
Me: Then what…
Him: Slide my arms under your shirt to feel the skin beneath. Slide it up to cup the soft and warm feel of your breasts.
. . .
It goes on from there, but you get the idea. However, similar to the night we made out I didn’t feel anything.. Not excitement, not shame, not desire, nothing.
No feelings at all.
He makes me feel comfortable enough to want to try things with him, but is comfort enough? I know it’s not, but I thought I’d ask anyway.
All She Could Do Was Write 